A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 9 years. I am a doctoral student and work full-time. My husband goes to school part-time. I have been thinking about this for a while and just need some advice. I love my husband, but he says he is not an affectionate person. The only time he hugs me is while he is laying next to me in bed (sometimes). There hasn't been any foreplay in years and I can't even remember the last time he kissed me (even a peck). Oral sex for me? Not! He goes out on a ride or to a party on the weekend with his motorcycle buddies, but claims he doesn't like going. I sit at home and watch T.V. I ask to go, but he always says no. He claims he doesn't want his wife around those people or in those places.I don't get it! I am sitting here crying just wanting some sort of affection. Am I so wrong?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (17 May 2009):
 OK I think the advice you have already been given has a lot of merit.
You say you are a full time doctoral student and your husband goes to school part time. What else does he do with the rest of his time, does he work?
I think the fact is that depending on what else is going on in his life, he has lost his way on how to communicate with you and the affection side of things also is combined into this.
You need to have more in your life than just your husband. Whether he does or doesn't want you on these biking weekends, you need to go off on your own and take time out with friend's or family. Don't be the one sitting there waiting for him to come home.
Who does the housework and the cooking?
Don't be indispensable, be a little bit more mysterious, does he talk to you about his weekends? Do you know for sure that he does go to where he says he is going?
I just wonder if there is something more underlying than this? He says he doesn't want you around these people and puts you off going. Why? I don't know if the truth is being told here.
I am not trying to alarm you but unless you know for sure where he is going you cannot know he is telling you the truth.
My ex used to tell me he was off on cycling weekends and was actually spending time with another woman. Don't trust everything he says, if there is no sex happening either I think I would most certainly question what is going on.
How long has it been since you last had any REAL physical contact?
If this doesn't get resolved then you must seriously consider getting yourselves into some sort of counselling but find out the real truth first of all. Even if you have to be a little bit sneeky to get to the truth.
Don't sit back and take it - get some fire in your belly and get active. You are still in the prime of your life and if your husband is not going to give you any attention then you need to look at your life and consider what it is that you want out of life?
Decide the things YOU want to do, I am afraid at times like this you have to get a little selfish. Who is the main bread winner in your house i.e. who brings home the most money? Who could survive the best here, if the other person was no longer around?
Cover all your bases and start to kick start your life again.
Get to the truth and see what is really going on.
Does your husband resent the fact that you are always working and he feels neglected or something, I know it sounds pathetic but men don't often talk they go to their caves (so to speak), women talk.
So do you have any close friend's or family that are around you for support?
The aunts and uncles on this site will help you as much as possible and will give you all kinds of advice but at the end of the day it is up to YOU to decide how you act on it and whether you want change in your life or not.
You are at a crossroads and if you do decide to get active and find out all the issues here on both sides, you need to be emotionally strong enough and have a good support network of friend's and family around you to cope with whatever is chucked at you. You may be exhausted with all the things you deal with in your work on a day to day basis, but you now need to dig deep inside of yourself and get that fire in your belly like I described earlier.
Believe me, you have it in you and sitting alone with a TV for comfort is not going to change anything.
Life is for living, so make yourself feel better, treat yourself to the nice things in life, like a little pampering if you can afford it and time out for you.
Keep us posted on how things go OK. We are always here for you at any time.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): You have put up with this for too long and I think your husband is avoiding some of your issues - by going off with these biker friends. The whole point to being married is to do things together to enrich your lives. Of course you don't want to do EVERYthing together as its important to do things with friends but this whole thing is making you very very unhappy. Its time to confront him. Its time to lay it on the line and explain you cannot take any more and you are looking to him for answers. You want a guy that says "Hey its the weekend - what shall we do today?" not....."I'm off biking this weekend see ya Sunday". Combined with the lack of affection this is just no way to live - you are being trapped in an existence. While you are laying it on the line I suggest you find a hobby or interest and fast - show this guy that if he's not interested in you then, guess what, YOU are interested in yourself and if he is not prepared to take some role then you will seek other ways to fill your time. Get your hair done and wear some new and exciting clothes that make you feel good about yourself. Do it for yourself and not him. At the moment he knows you will be sitting there waiting for him when he gets back. Get out there and see if he notices. It will help your self confidence and your situation, and more importantly what to do about it, will become a lot clearer. Its time to take control of your life again.
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