A
female
age
36-40,
*ana009
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and about 2 years ago I cheated. I told my boyfriend I wanted a break because he wasn't there until late at night and then he'd be up early for work and I felt like we were so distant but I still did care about him. I was young, 21 at the time and I thought I just needed to go out with my friends and have some alone time. Well, in the process of doing that I ran into an old guy friend of mine who I did nothing with ever and he made me feel good giving me compliments and attention so for about 2 weeks we were hanging out and we ended up hooking up so I ended up cheating in my eyes even though I was on a "break". My boyfriend did call though the very next day and told me he would've worked on things if I would've just spoke up and not ran away from our problems. After the 2 weeks were up I realized this guy friend of mine was nothing compared to my boyfriend so I called him up and we got back together. He always kept asking if we slept together and what we did and wanted to know all the details. I thought that by telling him I would just be hurting him. Now after 2 years of staying together but him not giving me any affection really and being the boyfriend in our 1st year of dating, the trust is gone on my end and there's nothing I can do about it. I ended up recently confessing to him that I did sleep with the guy and he doesn't want to even talk now. He says he just needs time. but i don't understand how much time he needs and if he's stayed with me the past 2 years knowing I did do more than just kiss the guy, then admitting it now would change everything? I'm just really confused because I've been there trying to show him I'll never do something like that again and it was very immature and I only want us to be happy together but he just doesn't seem happy anymore with me and says he can't be in this relationship right now but "maybe" down the road when he gets over it. My question is after 2 years of being sad about what I did, isn't 2 years a long enough time for him to know whether or not he really loves me and wants to stay together and proven to him that it was the biggest mistake and I don't want to be apart and take "time" because it feels like during this past 2 years we've taken time apart even being together every night! I just wanted some advice whether or not if you think he'll ever truly forgive me and if time will help us or if he seems not that into me anymore. I could move on and meet other guys but I don't want to right now because I'm devestated and only thinking about being with him even though he won't call or anything. I know I hurt him really bad but I just want to show him I want to make him happy. Do you think the best thing is to just leave him alone and if he calls me then it shows he cares?
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female
reader, lana009 +, writes (21 May 2009):
lana009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your honesty. I am scared he will not forgive me and i'm not quite sure if he will. Last week when I did tell him about that I did more than just kissing, he hasn't spoken to me since and I'm really scared now because I do love him and miss him SO much. I know you commented on me saying "I can move on and meet other guys but I don't want to right now" I didn't mean that to sound like I wanted to and was keeping my options opened, I just meant that other people tell me I should move on and meet someone to get over him but I'm choosing not to because I can't even think about any other guy but him. I tried texting him to tell him I want to be there to comfort him and asked him why after all this time although he knew inside that I was keeping the biggest secret, now that I finally came clean because I thought it would just help us even if not at first, he's completely looking at me differently I feel like and almost like he tricked me into telling him so that he would be able to walk away from me even more confident or something.
If he really loved me wouldn't he be at least call or text me back? I feel so ashamed and I know I should be. I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me but I do feel like I'm completely lost without him and I'm heartbroken that he won't talk to me and I don't know if he ever will again. How long do you think before he clears his head of the information I told him and MAYBE can say he can move forward now that everything's out on the table and the trust will be built again? I'm so lost. Any advise would help. Thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): no he will not forgive you because you lied and broke the trust. you slept with someone else almost immedialtely and did not think twice about having sex with this other guy. then you did the wrong thing again by lying.
your bf is hurting over the facts- he asked whether anything sexual happened and you lied. realise this as well, he has also invested the 3 yrs with you. he has also loved you all this time but you deliberately lied to him. this infidelity is not just about you, its about him as well. how does he trust you going forward.
you say that you were naive at 21 but after these 2 years the naivity is still there. yes you have grown up somewhat but need to realise that your actions have consequences and that you have lied repeatedly to him. he still loves you but he doesn't trust you and right now nothing you say or do will fix it. time may heal but remember that he too is suffering for your actions. you want to be pardoned for having sex with someone else and believe that you have suffered by keeping silent. you only kept silent because you knew it was wrong and you knew the outcome if you told your bf. and this is exactly what has happened now that he knews.
you both have invested 3 years of love. but was this relationship based on honesty or a pack of lies. you both are hurting and maybe pining for each other but major unresolved issues are standing in your way. you could have saved both yourself and your bf so much heatache and pain by jut being thuthful from the beginning. your relationship was not a happy one because of major trust issues which sadly you contributed to.
"I could move on and meet other guys but I don't want to right now........." this tells me that you are not completely committed to this relationship, you are keeping your options open (which is not a bad thing). someone truly in love and wanting to work things out would never even consider thinking about meeting other guys during this painful period in both your and your bf's lives.
i am hoping that both you and your bf can work things out but remember you have a lot of working to do here. you complain of him bot being around. why? is he working all the time? what is keeping him from you? friend? so many questions which only you can provide insight to.
Good luck and take care.
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