A
male
age
51-59,
*RDad
writes:I found out yesterday my 16-year old step-daughter whom I have raised since she was 6 months is dating an 18 year old. The kicker... my wife's known for 2 months and kept it from me. How did I find out? I happened to ask the right questions and my daughter had no choice but to tell me about this boy. I stood there telling my daughter how I was disappointed with her deceptive ways and lies and I ended by telling her I did not approve of her relationship. Afterwards, my wife allows her to go to a baseball game with "friends" and then after she drops her off comes back and confesses to me that she knew about this relationship... and then the waterworks. She told me she felt like such a bad mother because she stood there and didn't defend or stand up for her daughter. That she always feels like she can never protect 'her' daughter, that all this is her fault, etc. etc. Wait a minute... back up now. What about her loyalty to me, her husband? I'm preaching to my daughter about deception, lying, not being forthcoming and it appears she's learned it all from my wife. It was then I understood the glances our daughter shot at mom while I was telling her I was disappointed with her actions. Mind you, I kept my calm while addressing my daughter.I've done nothing but provide for my wife, her 2 daughters (oldest one is 21 and in college in a different state... thanks to me.) and my biological daughter. I'm loyal, honest, truthful and committed 150% to my wife and my family. I'm a very involved father. We are presently planning a sweet 16 for my daughter in question and I have gone beyond what most men would... hiring the DJ, photographer, printing pictures, printing invitations, etc. etc. NEVER have I disrespected, much less harm any of my daughters. I've done nothing but provide, champion and give them advice. And oh yes, set rules and discipline by way of taking away privileges. And I receive nothing but lies, cover-ups and betrayal?My 16-year old daughter went through her rebellious stage last year... she put my wife and I through hell. My wife fed into the situation by, you guessed it -- lying and covering up and blatantly undermining me. It culminated in my deciding to leave and ending this marriage. When my wife saw that I was serious she put her foot down with our daughter and sent her to her father's house whom has been totally absent in her life up until about 2 years ago when she went looking for him. I told my wife that was not a good idea, but it was the best she knew to do. They put up with her antics for less than 2 weeks and sent her packing. It was then my daughter realized the only ones she had in her corner were my wife and I. She promised she'd be better, cut her attitude, lying, etc. etc. We agreed to take her back and told her she had to earn our trust and earn privileges and other perks. I thought we were doing okay... boy was I ever wrong. Ignorance is bliss... and if that's so, then I am ridiculously happy (insert sarcastic chuckle here).I feel very hurt and betrayed and angry and stupid. I am seriously considering ending my marriage. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): I understand that you feel you should always present a united front to the girls, however it is not unhealthy for them to understand that relationships and marriages are not 100% agreement and wedded bliss. They must learn how to resolve relationship issues and differences, where do they learn that? They aren't going to learn anything helpful from the other teens in their lives. I think this is not just a husband/wife issue but probably a family issue. Maybe you should sit down as calmly as possible with both of these important women in your life and have an in depth discussion on these core values you thought you all had in your family and how you can become more trusting of one another within your family unit. I would also like to point out from the female perspective, that there are often times growing up things that we don't feel comfortable sharing or talking about with our fathers but will discuss with our mothers. This is normal. It is however up to your wife to clue you in, this is just a part of her role in being not only your wife but your parent. I think maybe more than anger, you are feeling hurt that your wife of so many years doesn't confide in you the way you do in her. This is something you both should work on together. Also, if your wife feels that she is a bad mother/parent then maybe there is much more underlying all of this that is causing those feelings and you might want to address those issues as well. There seems to be many different factors here, but I don't believe any of them point to divorce. In fact I almost get the feeling you have in the past and are willing to again use divorce as leverage to even the playing field and maybe get what you think is right. That in and of itself is not healthy, and you might try a different approach. I could be wrong on all accounts, but please do take a moment and try to put yourself in their shoes, then maybe ask them if they would do the same if they were in your shoes. Best of luck to you.
A
male
reader, RRDad +, writes (20 June 2010):
RRDad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your insight on my situation. I wondered why I was labeled "controlling" after re-reading my post, I can't blame you all.
First, I'm not against my 16-year old daughter dating. She actually sat mom and I down a couple months back and asked us permission to date a boy she'd been talking with for a while and who she felt she liked. We granted her permission and that lasted all but two weeks. She's never been banned from dating. I'm your typical father who at times over-reacts. GUILTY! But I cool down after a couple hours. Granted over-reacting is not my typical way. I don't cuss at my kids, nor at my wife. I've never laid a hand on anyone, much less those I love.
My 21-year old step-daughter, whom I've raised since she was 6 years old, and I have a great relationship. My wife has even commented many a times how she confides more in me than her. I try to be open-minded and try to give advice when asked.
So to summarize, I don't have a problem with the dating. Yes, I have concerns with the age difference and yes I told my daughter that I didn't agree with her relationship, but I never forbade her from seeing him.
My issues are not so much with my daugther's lies and deception, rather with my wife's lies and deception. I believe that she and I must always show a united front. I never undermine her even when I don't agree; rather, I bring it up when she and I are alone. But in the end I respect her decision, again whether I agree with it or not. And I take issue with my wife's actions because there's no need for it.
I understand my daughter is a typical 16-year old girl. She's a wonderful person... beautiful, intelligent, will keep you in stitches for hours and has a beautiful voice. I tell her all this every chance I get. But much like any teenager she's also coniving, cunning and manipulative. Why? Because she wants things her way. As a father, I'm here to guide her, to steer her in the right direction and yes, to discipline. Kids needs structure and discipline... and not offering structure and discipline is a form of neglect. Neglect is a form of abuse.
Again, thanks for all your comments and advice.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 I’m really torn on this one. On the one hand I’m trying to raise teenage daughters too, and have faced concerns about a two-year age difference in dating. I’m not dealing with a ‘step’ situation, but if you’ve been there since she was six months old, you really are her father in every way that matters. All too often we see questions here about women who take much older kids into new relationships and fail to stand up for them. Again, since you’ve essentially been there for the girl’s whole life, that shouldn’t be an issue – you and your wife ought to be on the same page about raising the child. Like you I’ve been the one to discipline; like you I’ve been involved.
I understand your disappointment with your wife. You guys should be putting up a united front, and your wife shouldn’t let the kids play one parent off against the other.
But …
You haven’t said anything about the character of the boy in question. Do you have a particular reason to believe that he’s bad news? Of course the age difference is worrisome, but it is not, in and of itself, the end of the world. He might be a good guy, he might be good for her if he respects her, honours her choices, and doesn’t pressure her to be doing bad things. There’s none of that in your post. To me that’s as important an issue as the principle of your wife not being forthcoming.
Unless there’s a lot more history here, I have a sense that you’re over-reacting. What you’ve described here sounds to me like a need for a very frank discussion with your wife, no doubt about it. But ending the marriage? On the basis of the information you’ve provided, that’s not a reasonable thing to do.
How much is this about your daughter, and how much is it about you? Again, without knowing you and your family, I can only stab in the dark, but to be honest I’m getting the sense that your issue is more about control than anything else.
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A
female
reader, laetitia +, writes (20 June 2010):
 It comes a time, when teenagers need their space. She is starting to enter the world of dating, relationships. Although every good father wants to protect their child from making some bad mistake at a young age, it's best to just let her be. All she needs is to be properly educated about teen pregancies and protection. That is best delivered by her mother. I would feel uncomfortable discussing such issues with my father. If you continue trying to be the strict overprotective father, you may seriously hurt your relationship with her. You have to realize that at her age, hormones are taking their peak and emotional control is almost impossible. I think that you should just allow your daughter to date. At her age, relationship rarely last long, so don't worry. In a few months she might be crying over a break up as most teenage girls do. It's all part of life and we all go through it at some point and it's not parent's job to try to avoid it.
If I were you, I will just tell your daughter to do whatever she wants as long as she respects family gatherings and calling home if is going to be late.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Oh boy..been there..done this...Teenagers can be so trying, especially the girls. And when you are a step-parent, it just seems like you can never win. My husband and I went through this with my daughter from my 1st marriage. She was CONSTANTLY trying to pit us against each other. They just KNOW what to do, and she constantly tried to undermine my husband. We had many disagreements about this type of situation.
I hope that you won't end your marriage, but I can certainly understand your frustration. It is IMPARATIVE that you and your wife stand as a united front..no matter what. I know your wife probably feels torn, I know I did..but what she is doing isn't right, and its not helping. I think you need to read your wife the riot act again and tell her you absolutely will NOT put up with this anymore. She's either with you, or you're out the door. Otherwise, your marriage may not survive. And as a final note, yes, my husband and I did weather the storm, my daughter learned to stop trying to divide us, and she's now 28 and happily married.
Talk to your wife AGAIN and tell her you've had enough and you mean it. She needs to come clean and be with you and make decisions together and STICK with them.
I wish you all the best, trust me, I know how bad this kind of a situation can be. My husband went through hell for awhile. I felt so badly and felt caught in the middle, but then realized what I had to do. Hopefully your wife will see the light as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): I'm surprised that you would really consider ending your marriage over this sort of minor disagreement. Teenagers are rebellious and secretive and 16 is fairly standard for a girl to start dating. It sounds like your wife and step-daughter might have kept this from you because they know you will disapprove and try to stop it. Is there something about the boy in question that makes him unsuitable or do you not want your step-daughter to date at all? Your wife is probably not trying to undermine you but thinks her daughter is within her rights to date or doesn't think she (or you) can stop her and would rather be in the loop.My parents had a similar conflict with my sister when she was a teenager. By taking a hard line my father pushed her even closer to a boyfriend who otherwise might have come and gone. My mother took my sister's side (in his eyes) but was just trying to let my sister be her own person and not push her away by being so rigid that she couldn't confide in her when the relationship went wrong.I'm not saying you aren't a committed provider and parent, but at 16 your daughter should be learning to make her own mistakes. It's not clear that by 'preaching' you are trying to see the other side of this argument. Your wife's 'waterworks' may be genuine distress and it's not clear who she is protecting her daughter from but it sounds like it might be your judgment. Maybe you could relax a little, being the parent of teenagers must be hard but so is being a 16 year old girl!
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