A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. And next year it is 10 years. But we don't have sex that much anymore. Is this normal in a relationship?. Or is there something wrong with me?. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): Communication is key to a happy and healthy relationship. I agree with Wise Owl, why would you jump to there being something wrong with you? No there is nothing wrong with you, no more so than any of the rest of us! Do you want to marry? You need to talk to him, to make sure that you are both on the same page with what you want in life. You need to check into any medical reasons that your mans libido, is low! Is your own libido healthy and normal? If not, check with your own doctor! Next, is porn involved? Men can become addicted to his hand along with porn. If there is going to be porn in your relationship, it needs to be used by you two, as a couple! Advise him to not cheat with his hand, and that you will be the one to service his tool, then make it so! If he resists you, could alcohol or drug use be a factor? Then lastly, is he stepping out on you, with another lady, or even a man? You know some men watch porn, for the big packages of the dudes, so just be aware. I pray that he has just gotten lazy! Xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2019): Why does there have to be something wrong with you?
You've been together nine years; and passion may plateau or dive at some point. It's natural for it to fluctuate. If it dives and never recovers; then there's a problem, but it doesn't have to be you.
It's usually when porn predominates or substitutes for having sex. It's selfish-pleasure! Some guys assume it's better than cheating; but it is cheating, if it interferes with your sex-life! It's always accessible, and requires no partner to reach orgasm. Masturbation can become habitual; and the need for sexual-intercourse will decline. It doesn't make a person stop loving you; only need less physical intimacy.
The only solution is to have a serious discussion (not argument) about it; and try to see if there is a way to work it out. If you meet nothing but his resistance, denial, or avoidance of any discussion of your problems; then you have a partner who doesn't care as much about your relationship as you do. It's up to you to decide if he compensates in other ways that makes the relationship fulfilling and worthwhile.
If you fight a lot, he doesn't get enough rest, if he's a workaholic, he has developed diabetes, or some undetected illness; or if he's much older, and his testosterone levels are dropping. Let cheating be your last assumption; if you know he's not the cheating-kind. The above could be the reason(s). Too much drinking drugs, and smoking also lowers the sex-drive. It's also a side-effect of some medications. Like allergy meds, anxiety medications, or antidepressants.
Don't expect him to admit if he's masturbating; because it's too embarrassing to confess as a grown-man. If he's cheating on you, then you'll have to look for signs. Such as, a lot of time away unaccounted for. Mysterious phone-calls that are always taken in another room. The scent of perfume that isn't yours. Messages on his phone he won't let you see. Leaving suddenly; and not mentioning when he'll be back, or where he's going. (He doesn't have to, he is a grown-man!) The worst sign of all, absolute-distance and emotional-disconnection! As if he's just a roommate. If he never shows affection, and merely comes and goes; it is likely he has lost all interest in your relationship.
If you have kids, that may be his only reason to stay. If you rely on each other's incomes; then he's comfortable and complacent. Just content having a live-in maid, cook, second-income, occasional-sex, and an accessible female-companion. If you're a caregiver, great housekeeper, and you provide him with all the comforts a woman can offer a man. He will not give you up; even if he doesn't have a romantic-attachment to you. You're like a second-mom!
Odd he won't marry you, after taking such a huge chunk of your life from you? What's up with that? Is just being his perpetual-girlfriend enough?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2019): I think what's important is are you happy with your relationship and the amount of sex? If so then stop worrying about what is or isn't normal. If you're not hten you address the problem. Is it the relationship or just the sex?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 December 2019):
 You've got to give us something to work with.
It is normal in a relationship for sex to slow down. The "honeymoon phase" usually last only a year. A Slow down after 8 years is a different story. A slow down after childbirth is pretty common. A slow down due to stress or life change (new job, kids in school, change in schedule) is pretty usual. Sex slowing down when a partner is using marijuana, is more common that you would think.
Sex 10 times a year or less is clinically defined as sexless and is not considered "normal".
You second question is more important. No there is nothing wrong with you. You are the partner questioning why there is not enough sex. That indicates a healthy interest in the health of the relationship. There are a lot of unhealthy reasons to lower sexual frequency. Interest in another sexual partner is one, but only one of the reasons. Maintaining power in the relationship is another. Emotional disconnect is the scary one (to me). Anyhow, you will need to think about the whole relationship, your emotional needs, and the actual sexual history, before we can give reasonable advice.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 December 2019):
 You need to openly communicate with him:
- “stress?”
- “health issue?”
- “no libido?”
It is normal, as is having sex regularly. Many couples don’t have sex often after 10+ years, but some do. It’s all about whether it’s right for both of you and that means communication is necessary.
Out of curiosity, do you have no interest in committing to marriage? It’s totally okay if not, I’m just wondering if boyfriend and girlfriend are the titles you want for each other for the rest of your lives together.
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