A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 14 years but I have lost all sexual attraction for my husband. We get along for the most part and he treats me well although we do fight quite a bit. We have financial problems and three young children. We do not spend any alone time together because we are both working and we have three children who take up most of our time.My husband does not keep himself in great shape and has let himself go a bit. I am in great shape and take care of myself. I make the effort. I tell him to make an effort for me but he is always too tired or can't find the time because of his job. I tell him to cut out sweets and junk food but he still eats them.I am finding myself being drawn to a man outside our marriage who is also married. The attraction I feel towards him is incredible and I know for certain that it is mutual. It is difficult to feel so attracted to someone else and not your husband anymore. I am always picking fights with my husband because I am feeling he isn't measuring up to the other guy. But I deep down know that the other guy is probably just a fantasy and a diversion from my everyday reality. I do not see him at his worst, only his best and I realize that maybe if I even got to know him, I might not find him a suitable match for me, anyway.I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with a man I am not attracted to. It has been this way for a long time, even before this man entered into the picture. The attraction was there when we first got married but it seems to have disappeared in recent years. Am I wrong for wanting passion and excitement? At this point, I feel like we are just room mates and parents to our children. I am feeling very unhappy and pretending to everyone, especially my husband, that everything is alright when it isn't. My husband knows there is something wrong with me but I have shut myself off from him. I have told him in the past the spark has died but nothing ever changes.I don't know what to do. We hardly ever fool around anymore because I find no interest in being with him physically. This makes the attraction to the other person even stronger. I am finding myself more drawn to the other man and am afraid I may fall for him and get into a situation that might complicate or end my marriage. I am trying to pull back from that but it isn't easy because I think I am emotionally attached to him.I need some help. I need to know how to get over the attraction for the other person and inject it into my own marriage. Or will I ever be able to get that spark back? Is it possible that I could have fallen in love with someone else? Do we all choose the right person to spend the rest of our lives with? Thank you for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I am going through this exact thing right now. I have two kids and my husband is great with them and he loves me very much, but I don't feel sparks either. I don't know if it is fair to stay with him and feel this way. We have talked, but I don't know if dates are going to fix this. I also know that in 3 years with the other man I could be in this same spot. So how do you know if this is how it is after a few years married with kids or if you are with the wrong person? It feels too good to be wanted and sexy, but how long will that last? My husband and I are comfortable and I do love him.. just not in love. I don't want to screw things up to find I did wrong in a year but is it worth the chance that we could both find a happiness greater then our marriage? I am trying to just find myself again and hope this will help. More time to make myself feel like I use to. I might just need some time with friends and a job outside the house. I just don't know??? I feel for you and hope you can find the right path for you. It is very hard.
A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 You are pretty smart, you know. You know what the problem is with your marriage and why you are drawn to someone else. You even know that this man is a diversion, an escape from your unhappiness.
However, you are married and so is this other guy. Taking up with him would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You think you have problems now? Imagine the problem you'll have if this other man's wife calls your husband, for instance.
There's a world of hurt waiting for you if you have an affair with a married man. You must snap out of it. Nip it in the bud before it goes any further.
Enter marriage counseling with your husband. You loved him once, you can find that love again. You also have three children to think of. I know life is no picnic sometimes. You will be okay. Like I said, you are a smart girl, too smart to mess up your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): "But I deep down know that the other guy is probably just a fantasy and a diversion from my everyday reality. I do not see him at his worst, only his best and I realize that maybe if I even got to know him, I might not find him a suitable match for me, anyway."
You are obviously intelligent enough and self aware to know that an extra-marital affair would be a diversion from your real problems. But I'm not sure you can "inject" sparks from your fling into your husband. You can however work on a solution with your husband.
On a certain level, your husband probably already knows he's losing you emotionally and sexually. He probably feels rotten, but helpless about the situation. He may be looking for support from you and feels badly that you're disinterested. You're probably not the only one experiencing a rough patch in the marriage.
Do you want to help him or reject him for his failures? You have to make a choice about how you want to relate to your husband.
If it's at all financially possible, try marriage counseling.
Otherwise, maybe it's time for a heart-to- heart about being seperated. He deserves at the very least to know how you feel. If you were on your own, I doubt you would be contemplating this other guy.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 That spark you feel for this other man is just that a spark. Your husband has your heart and even thought you are going through this rocky road at the end of the day its your husband and your family that you love. If you didn't love him you would have left him a long time ago.
You need to eliminate this other man from your life completely. You need to give your husband a fair chance in fighting for his marriage. Involve yourself in his activities, do things together, go out on dates, talk to each other. Be open in this relationship discuss the problems and find a solution together. I really hope you guys can work this out because you two have little ones that depends on your maturity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Read about affairs and what it does to the other person and their families.Figure out what it is really like.It is a great fantasy, and a terribly cruel fantasy when you act on it.My wife had an affair, we had work, children, fatigue, and anyone could find an excuse for an affair with someone new and exciting. She told me later...after her confession that took years of remorse and grief and months of counseling to figure out what was going on with her...that when she came to her senses that she felt like she'd been holding my head under water and drowning me. Which, I might add, is exactly what it felt like when it was going on and I didn't know what was happening but I had a job, wife, kids, and nobody was helping me with anything anymore and I kept trying to hold the family together while I was treated poorly for reasons that I couldn't explain.Get a grip, get counseling, start talking to your husband and not another man, and figure out the marriage or figure out how to get out of it fairly without fucking over your husband and children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I'm actually the married man described here in this letter. Married woman, disillusioned with husband who let himself go while she is very fit. I was married to a woman who had also let herself go and I had tried for years to get her into shape but no success. Apparently other woman thought me attractive for a while then one magical night we kissed and let me tell you that one kiss has caused two un happy relationships to end and a very happy new one to start between people who are much more suited to each other. So having done what your thinking I would say DONT DO IT until you've had a real attempt to work it out with your husband. He might be unaware of your depth of feeling and that unless he shapes up you might have to leave. Give him the facts and see what he says then make more decisions after that.Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I agree if things do not change with your husband, your marriage (or any marriage) should not have to be a life sentence of unhappiness. You should leave.
But how do you know that the other guy isn't also unhappy in his marriage, too? Maybe you would be happier together if you did get to know each other better? I don't recommend an affair because they only make things worse but if you both decide to move on with your lives and leave your spouses because you are unhappy in your marriages, then I see nothing wrong with being together. But that is after you have worked on it in every way and have found that maybe it will never work.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Well, I think for starters, you should decide if you want to salvage what you have with your current marriage. Let's face it, it is going to take some work. I am glad you have some perspective about your attraction to your other male friend. At this point, it is probably all fantasy and you are right -- you don't see him at his worst. And right now, he probably looks pretty good compared to your husband.For starters, if possible, start doing something with your husband -- physically. Get up and go for a walk. Join a bowling league, join a gym. It will help him get moving again. Also, you probably buy food for the house -- so quit buying the garbage. As we age our bodies do go through changes and we owe it to our significant others to keep them in best of shape as possible... so work as a team to stay healthy and fit.You state that you can't possibly spend the rest of your life with your man if you aren't attracted to him. I think you need to take things one day at a time -- especially for the sake of your kids. They are the ones that will be hurt the most if you decide to leave. Nobody said marriage was easy. This is one of the many challenges you will face. Hopefully you'll communicate with your husband that he needs to get in shape. There are also many good books that you can read to help you work as a team to get fit.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 February 2011):
Young children,
Unappreciated Wife,
Oblivious Husband?
Yep, you're looking for a diversion. There is no love at all between you and the other man, but underneath all that resentment you're feeling, there is love between you and your husband - otherwise you'd go and file for divorce right now and not think about it at all. You are emotionally reliant on the other man, not attracted to him. There is a huge difference. He, if you like, is an illusion. You see what you want to see, and any other faults are probably blocked out. He is 'there' for you. He's 'in shape'. He's 'interested'. Of course, you ave no idea what he's like behind closed doors. How many people have been blinded and made mistakes.
As I see it, you now need to make a decision. You might not have the spark with your husband, but that doesn't mean it can't be kicked into gear if you both work at it. That means you need to sit down with your husband and say the following:
"I am unhappy in this marriage, and unless things change within the next 6 months, it will end. I need change".
Either your husband will finally kick himself into gear, in which case this can be fixed with effort. Or he won't care, in which case you'll know your marriage is over.
As for the other guy, he represents nothing but unhappiness. He's seems willing to compromise his marriage, so he's not really that great a bet at all. What will happen is that you'll go with him, then have to explain to your kids why you had an affair/left their father. Then they'll wonder why you didn't at least try to make an effort. Then when the relationships goes wrong, you'll have to move them again. So cut this other guy out, and speak bluntly to your husband. No change in 6 months? Walk away and remain single instead of going from one man to another man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Hello,
This is quite common. You have 3 children, financial problems and you've become "bored" sexually with your spouse.
Your hubby has gained weight, maybe isn't very appealing to you, sex has become stagnant and routine. Try and spice things up! Make him supper, dress sexy for him, use your imagination.
I don't condone affairs, I think this other "fellow" you find attractive is just an escape for you.
Try and work this out, or seek counseling for youself before risking your marriage, and hurting your family.
Good luck
:-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): It is hard to get the spark back, particularly as your husband has let himself go. It would help if he took himself in hand and got in shape. But he has got into that comfortable 'why bother' zone. I'm sure this is the root of your being drawn to this other man. This man is married too so it all may just be a bit of a fantasy. You need a leaver to get your husband to realise that he has to get in shape, but will that be enough. May be there is more to it than that. I think that you need to have a good talk about the fact that your marriage has gone a bit stale and needs attention, he may not realise the full depth of your feelings.
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