A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Heres the story: Married 5 years, emotionally the marriage has been over since January 2009, seperated in July 2009(not legally), asked for a divorce in October 2009. We have a young child together. I re-met an old friend from High School in december, we hit is off and are now living together. My ex does know that me and my current BF are an item and have met face to face, but my ex does not know that we are living together. My question is: how do I tell him? What is the right method? I know i could just flat out tell him bluntly but I like to be sensitive about the situation. Should my ex and the new BF talk? Should they meet so my ex can feel a bit better about the situation of this new man being around his child?? I have moved on and dont feel like I owe him anything except the honesty since we do have a small child together and he has a right to know who is around his baby. Im worried he will use this against me in court and try and gain full custody. I realize we are still legally married and that i am livin with someone new which to many seems cold hearted and may suggest negatively about my morals. Well, considering I did get married at 23 and only after a few months of knowing eachother, it seems I am the type to fall fast and hard. I see nothing wrong with what i am doin,since 1. my child comes first before any man, including the father 2. i have a steady, well payin job and a very nice little home in a very nice town 3. I have come to realize life is far to short to care about opinions of others when they know nothing about the marriage and why its ended. I feel as long as my child is taken well care of, as long as Im happy my child will be happy. The new BF is a very nice loving man, good job nice family and truely cares for my child and me. Please help and be kind, Im not here to get bashed nor bash on others. I just want a solid realistic answer to my questions. What I have chosen to do is already done and I am lookin to move forward in a positive way. Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): I know this is an old post but you ARE thinking about your baby. I feel like I could have written this post... I have a 2 year old and an ex and a new boyfriend. I need to tell baby dady but Lord, it is hard. Out of respect for him as my son's father I am going to tell him. I hope everything worked out and thank you for posting because I gained some strength knowing Im not the only one to go through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@DeadEyeDick: I understand where you are comin from and yes to some it may seem as if Im thinin only of me. As i said in my post Ive know my current bf since highschool which was over 11 years ago. I know that there are risks of molesters out there, believe me I know first hand too. But if you cant trust ppl then where in life will it get you? Anyone if capable of molestation or a pedophile...her preschool teacher, the preist from the school she goes to, an aunt or even her own father...I dont leave my child unattended Im with her constantly. Im not the kind of mom who will dump her child even to run to the market. I am very cautious of her but as human beings we need to learn to trust, but not think naively.@CaringGuy: Thank you for your reply it has helped to see from an outside perspective. I know my choices arent as many ppl would do, but these are the choices I'VE made. And they are choices Im proud of. I love my daughter dearly and would never keep her away for her daddy nor am i tryin to make this new bf a replacment daddy. i feel my new bf is just one more person who will love her and who can argue withthat? Itll take time for my ex's wounds to heal, I realize that and more than anything I would like him to move on and be happy like i am.Thanks to the both of you for giving your opinions.
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reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Im not going to bash you, If im a little stern sounding it's because ive seen and been in this situation and seen the old blinders scenario, you should not have a new boyfriend living with you because you have a child, you are not thinking about your child, you are thinking about you, december huh? so what do you know about this new boyfriend? really? you no he's not a molester? a pedophile, a sexual deviant? how do you know this? for sure? because he doesnt seem like one? oh! because you can just tell, he's a great loving guy, and that's not even a possibility! and your willing to take that risk,at the expense of your child you love so much, I suggest you place the childs needs in the correct order, it's not how much money you make, or how nice your house, or how much you love your child, because after reading this, the first thing I thought was your child came second to you, you came first to you! that's just my opinion, as someone who had the nicest step dad in the world, when he wasnt forcing me and my brother to perform oral sex on each other, and fucking my 9 year old sister!!! he was the most favorite guy in the neighborhood, everybody loved him and thought he was great, my mom to this day is in denial that he would have ever done that to anybody! so thats my answer to your question, telling your ex is the last thing you need to worry about!
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 February 2010):
There won't be an easy way to say it to him. You need to talk to him alone about it before any meeting between him and your new boyfriend can really take place. You sound like everything else is well in order, so as for him using this to gain custody, it's unlikely he will. Make sure he has as much access as possible (and as is fair to you too), and also ensure that you never belittle him in front of his child or compare him to your new boyfriend. You have to effectively remain neutral and very calm. If he gets angry, accept it and don't get angry back, or he will start a war. You need to be as calm as possible. And make sure you continually reassure him about his child loving him etc.
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