A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMe and my boyfriend have been dating for a few months now and i'm a little worried. Around a year ago he had just broken up with his last serious girlfriend of 2 and a half years and it really affected him and i know he's still a bit hung up on her. He always tells me that he's happier now and he's glad he has me but those words are really tough to buy when i saw what happened last night. I came into his apartment and it was a complete mess... not a normal mess... but one made on purpose. There were shreds of paper everywhere and things thrown around the room. I asked what happened and he said he went a little crazy last night and took a knife to a notebook and started shredding it into many pieces while being extremely drunk. I also noticed his surfboard had gauges/stabs in it and he had some cuts on his knuckles and some bruising on his arms. It was a mess. And he did it all because of his ex because he felt so angry about her. I sat him down and told him to talk to me because thats why i'm here and he started to tear up because he gets so emotional when he talks about her. Anyways... he tells me how abusive the relationship was and that she'd neglect the nice things he did for her and she'd physically and mentally abuse him by punching him and calling him names until one day she got up and left him for some other guy. He was doing dishes and continuing his venting until he said... "i just wish i wasn't so in love with her" and then he quickly tried to cover it up and say.. well not in love but i hate this love/hate thing i have with her.. he seemed frantic. The moment he said that i felt really hurt because in my mind i feel like i'm always going to be second place until he gets over this girl. I really didn't want to sound like a hypocrite since i said i'd always be there for him and listen when he needs me but at the same time... him saying that made me want to ask if this is even a good idea because i don't want to be second best while he pines over an abusive girl thats not even worth it when i do everything and anything for him. I'm not trying to be conceited but i do a lot of nice things for him and i spoil him rotten... not saying that nice things equate to affection but its 100% more than his ex ever did for him and more. I just feel like i'm being unappreciated and he doesn't see what he has in front of him. What should i do? Should I end this now? I'm very saddened by this. Is he just too unstable? Should I talk to him and say these words? How should I approach this situation?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 I'll "reply" only to the REAL question that you are asking, To wit: "...What should i do? Should I end this now?"
Yes....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 I would definitely give him the time and space he needs to heal on his own. The drinking thing would concern me too, especially considering the violence he exhibited with that.
"Babe, get a therapist, a counselor, a psychologist, as soon as possible. Stop drinking for the time being and focus on getting well. It seems you have some unresolved issues, and as much as I enjoy your company and how much I care for you, I am not in a position to be mopping up after a relationship that ended a year ago. You are not ready to be in a relationship and I deserve to be the number one in my boyfriend's life.
"So it is with great sadness in my heart, and with compassion for you, that I am deciding to part ways for now. I hope you get the help you need, that you find some path to peace and a way to learn to love another person again. It's just not me and not the right time for you."
Then call his family and friends and make sure they know he's been self-destructive, physically destructive and needs some support. You can't be that support because he's hung up on his ex and you need to distance yourself from the relationship until such time as he's 100% over her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2012):
 He is still in love with her, even after all the crap he took from her, that in itself would make me back off. Until he is done with her and put her in the past you will never be his first priority.
And I agree with the spoiling him, stop it. You think you can make him forget about a rotten ex-gf by going overboard in your affections. That makes the relationship VERY one sided.. that is you giving and giving and giving and him taking and taking.. you get the picture.
This isn't healthy for you. You shouldn't have to PROVE to him that you are worthy of being his GF and that you are "better" at it then his ex.
Sorry honey, I would cut my losses.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2012):
 Maybe it is best to step back and give him some more time to get over his ex. He isn't over her, and it sounds like he needs to take his time to think things through before he enters a new relationship. Unfortunately I don't think he's ready to be with you.. not when he's self harming himself over his ex, and currently you are being used as his therapist, not girlfriend. He isn't doing it intentionally, but you're not supposed to be the one to pick him up once he's down because of his ex. He needs to do that himself. I know you're just trying to be a perfect girlfriend and be there for him, but this is NOT your job as a girlfriend. You can help and support him in other things, but the new girlsfriend's job is not to help him get over his ex.
I don't think you're second best, I just don't think he is ready to be with you. Maybe in a few months time he will be ready, but it might take a year before he is ready.
Don't spoil him rotten, he'd not going to get over his ex that way, and all you'll do is.. well, spoil him. Amd that'll make him a crappy boyfriend. Instead you need to set some demands. Make him work for his treats. Raise the bar. If he can't reach it then.. well, walk away to be honest. You do not have an obligation to "always" be there for him. You're just a new girlfriend, not a destined soul mate that will ALWAYS be there for him. You've been with him a few months, that's all. So don't over-do this.
Oh, and he isn't hung up on his ex because she deserves it.. You sort of put it this way, saying you don't think she deserves how much he thinks about her etc. But that's the wrong starting point. He's not obsessing over her because she is worth it or because she's great and amazin gor anything like that. He's obsessing over her because she had a hold on him, and she still has that hold on him to some extend. Getting over her means that he needs to be independent. Making him dependent on you, to replace the ex, is just as bad. He needs to NOT need either of you. He needs to be independent, and right now he isn't.
Take a few steps back, don't be so eager to help him and have him lean on you like a crutch. Make him stand on his own, and until he can: have more distance between you.
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