A
male
age
36-40,
*aine
writes:Ok well this we'll be the first time i've truly ever asked anyone for help, especially online in a situation like this but i just can't help this feeling.it's driveing me crazy.I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a girl that i truly feel i love and want to spend my life with. I'm not so sure i should feel this way because we've only been together for almost a year now.Also i had only known her for a few months before we started a relationship.Well it just so happens i've never had any luck with relationships.Through out my life i've only had a small handful the ones i did have i always tended to find my self with the devious, deceptive, lieing, cheating woman. So in time i developed trust issues revolveing around women and relationships altogether. I began to think that all women are the same,that they all think the same way and do the same things.Yet i met my current Girlfriend and she began to change my thoughts on women. She's always done everything for me in the time i've known her thus far. Were in a long distance relationship though mind you, and lately she just doesn't seem the same anymore. At first she appeared to be very innocent and naive.She had mentioned to me that she was a virgin and didn't want to make love to anyone until she was married.I respected what she had said and did everything i could to be the perfect bf supporting her both emotionially and physically. At times my feelings for her just seem to go out of control.I dislike not talking to her constantly or being with her. She's expressed to me that this relationship is starting to get a bit hard for her because were not actually together.I live in N.j and she lives in Ohio. In the time we've been together we've met i believe 3 times total possibly 4. Since she's very naive she tends to get hit on a lot and flirt with guys where she lives even though she dosent actually understand that that's what is happening. She is a very beautiful young women with the greatest personality i've ever come to know in a woman.Shes very sexy and beautiful as well, even though its very difficult for her to acknowledge it.Than again that's just people in general though, we all have things that are hard for us to talk about or accept i suppose. Well my question is...Lately shes bin acting strange.I know that her friends influence her frequently.She comes from a rich family and hence the lot of her friends are also rich she tends to be very high maintenance and materialistic as well although i don't think she means to. Her friends tell her that i'm obsessive and like a stalker because i tend to ask alot of questions.I'm always curious as to how things are going in her life so i ask.Her friends have never met nor ever talked to me in their lives, so i don't see where that gives them the power to judge me. I believe that shes cheating on me.Yet i don't fully understand why.Shes never gave me reason to doubt or question her loyalty. Everything she has done for me has been good,kind and loveing. Shes a college student and currently resides in the 2nd best college in all of the united states, paying a hefty 40,000 a year to attend. I know that she likes to drink and party a lot i mean come on what college student doesn't?When we were together we tended to sleep in the same bed together.So often at nights i would lie awake in my bed beside her just watching as she slept peacefully.Resting my head on her chest,listening to her heart beat etc.I always thought she looked so cute as she slept. Shes very quiet when she sleeps mind you no snoring,no noise, no nothing, just piece and quiet in fact i'm the one that usually does the snoring. Sometimes i sing her to sleep on the phone at night or she has a long day with college and than we talk before she goes to bed. Lately for the last past 5 nights now... She would claim to be sleeping yet as i listen to her "suppossed sleeping" i can hear all kinds of noise going about in her room. Noises of moaning,groaning and what sounds like sucking or kissing.These noises tend to be very quiet like something private is happening but you don't want others to hear.Despite the fact that there usually very quiet sucking,moaning and groaning can be distinctively made out. Tonight i listened as she suppossedly slept and this same sucking moaning and groaning was happening again.Except it was very loud, before it was hard to hear but tonight it was very distinct.This has been going on for 5 straight nights now, maybe a bit longer and i really am beginning to believe that shes found someone else and is cheating on me. I confronted her everytime this has happened but she denies that anything is takeing place.She actually cried 2 times and said she was dissappointed that i had accused her of that. Its just any of the other nights that we were together or i had sung her to sleep on the phone there was no sucking or moaning or groaning just complete silence and now theses noises just magically start happening every night for the last past 5 nights. I know what it sounds like when a women is pleaseing a man with her mouth.Its a very distinct sound and i don't believe it can be very well duplicated when a person is suppossedly sleeping. I fear for the worst for our relationship now.I am already very hurt, i'm devastated that she of all people could do this to me just when i had thought i'd found the perfect gf or wife. Shes not the same person anymore since we've bin fighting about this. She doesn't express her love for me and is often very moody and mean. It seems as if she has no love for me anymore even though she rarely tells me I love you her actions speak louder than her words.Nowadays all we do is fight about everything. We had the greatest relationship ever that was nothing but pure happiness and goodt times.Now if i ask her any kind of question she snaps on me and treats me coldly.She may call me obsessive or a stalker because of her friends influence i believe. I'm just very confused.Even though this is tearing me apart inside i still love this women unconditionially.I want to be with her.So even if she were cheating i still wouldnt be able to leave her.I don't understand what is going on. Is it wrong for me to continue to love someone that may no longer love me?
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male
reader, Kaine +, writes (13 September 2007):
Kaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTy for the response kindone.Well shes always bin very open and honest with me in the past so if she were haveing a wet dream usually would tell me when i next spoke with her.She'd say things like "Oh baby, I dremaed about makeing love to you last night." or something similiar to that.She dosen't usually ever leave the t.v. on either she turns everything off before she goes to sleep.Shes never really bin a big fan of watching tv much.As for visiting her we both actually spoken about that.She wants me to visit her and i want to visit her as well but the only problem is...Its a 10 hour ride from Ohio to Nj and although i would do it in a heartbeat i have never traveled anywhere beyond nj and pa.So most likely she'll know that i'm coming to visit her and than there would be no way that i could catch her in the act.Maybe if i had bin there before and i knew what buses or planes i needed to take.When i needed to get on and off the bus or plane and some landmarks around where she lives so i know how to get to her dorm.The only way i know of gaining that kind of knowledge or info is by telling her i want to come and visit her but if i tell her than she could easily stop what she is doing while im there with her and than start up again when i'm gone.Ty for your advice i'm taking it into consideration and its very well appreciated.
A
female
reader, kindone +, writes (13 September 2007):
 i really dont know what to say is it possible thats shes having a wet dream or its the tv. can you travel and catch he doing it it might be worth it to see it or yourself
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A
male
reader, Kaine +, writes (12 September 2007):
Kaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tellulah and Broken Babe for both of your responses.I don't know whats wrong with me.I really do love her with all of my heart and with the year that we've bin together now.I never would of dreamed of her ever cheating on me.She has never hurt me before, she has never done anything but good things for me :( So it seems odd that she would change like this now.I'm not a stupid person though and i know what i hear.I started to see a ciunselor about this today.From what he said her personality and everything has always bin good about her so he dosen't believe that she could do something this extreme.In a sense hes right.Shes always bin naive and innocent as well as a virgin from what she told me.So to go from something so pure like that to the complete oppesite seems kind of extreme.I can't just tell myself this isn't happening though.All i want is the truth.Honesty,openness and trust are very important things to me in a relationship.Although these thoughts of her of all people being the one to hurt me so badly like this i really don't want to believe them unless i know that its true.Even though it hurts i still love her.Who knows maybe its me?Maybe nothing is going on and im just crazy :( Although i really honestly don't think thats the case.Broken Babe to talk abit about your idea i have actually done that.I would say something shocking that i knew would catch her attention but i said it very quietly and kind of under my breath.She immediately woke up from her "suppossed sleep" when she heard what i said and than flipped out on me for saying it :( I said it very quietly so theres no way that if she were sleeping that she would have heard it so clearly like that but than again my counselor said that he dosen't believe its possible for her to change like that and he dosen't believe shes capable of doing something so extreme.So i don't know :( He said if she has always bin very nice to me and very pure and innocent loveing and careing that its not possible for her to go from virgin to moody,ill tempered,treating me badly slut.
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A
female
reader, broken babe +, writes (12 September 2007):
 you are a very very sweet person my boyfriend does the things you do and i love him completely i never once have thought about cheating on him and we live miles apart and hardly see each other im sorry but you are a very sweet guy but if what she is doing is true then you need to leave her i have an idea next time shes supposidly sleeping just say somthin quietly or loudly whatever gets her attention if shes gasping etc. tell her "i knew it were over!" if she calls you back asking why she loves you probably but ya... she probably is cheating on you so do that and if she loves you she'll come back to you im not sure what else but good luck message me if you wanna talk more and there are alot of great girls out there you just have to remember that
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 Hi,
I am sorry to hear that you feel like this. Your right there is nothing worse than a Liar.
If she is doing this, she is kind of sick letting you listen. She should just tell you and be honest. But there is a posability that she is being honest. You know her better than us, do you really think she could be that mean?. Of course if she is being accused all the time and you are sort of stalking her, she will get angry and change towards you. Would'nt you be the same.
I think your only answer is to give yourself a break from it. Dont call her late at night, if she is up to something you dont need to hear and anyway you cant do anthing about it. Give yourself some peace, and dont be at the end of the phone to her all the time. You are driving yourself mad.
Dont finish it unless you get evidence that she is guilty of two timming you. Get on with your life as well, and if you cant cope then finnish it.
Good Luck and I hope you are going to be OK. XX
Tellulah
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A
male
reader, Kaine +, writes (11 September 2007):
Kaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for responding to what i've said thus far.Even though what most of you have said seems like negative remarks im trying to take everything said into consideration.I'm sure most of you are right i should break up with her and just move on with my life.Its just very difficult because she tells me she loves me and dosent want me to leave me.She wont admit that shes doing what shes doing even though we both know the truth.I just can't stand when people are dishonest.If she would just come clean with me and tell me whats going on it would be easier for me to do this but to know whats going on and never be told the truth.well that just bothers me. I'm far from a stalker her friends have never met me nor talked to me.So theres no way they could possibly know me as a a person.Everything i said wasn't just my ideas or feelings she mentioned that she felt the same way ie marriage,kids etc.I just wish she'd be honest with me and tell me the truth... If she actually came out and told me I don't love you anymore, things have changed and actually told me she started a new relationship with someone else. It would be much easier for me to break up with her. Im not trying to force anything and i know that if she says she doesnt want to be with me that we cannot be together.As for listening to her sleep on the phone i listened because i realised that something was different. If i hadnt have listened id be completely clueless that she was cheating on me and i'd get really hurt when she told me and it just came out of left field. it'd have been like getting Struck from behind and you have no clue that theres a fist swinging towards the back of your head. As i said she claims to love me and says that nothing is going on despite the fact that her entire personality has changed because of this.I just want the truth..
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A
female
reader, Emajayne  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 Oh my goodness...you are such a wonderful man! do u know that! see..i love 18th century romances and all women need to be courted, and appreciated. you havent done anything wrong. i think that shes up to something. rarely are beutiful college girls naive. you say she drinks and parties alot, which is normal. completely normal. but...alot of guys are going to be wanting her and shes very young, so succumbign to that will be very easy on her part. i dont think you two will wind up together and it breaks my heart to hear that u think all women are lieing, cheating skanks and such. it isnt fair for you. u live in different states. my best friends live in another country, across an ocean! its not that difficult in that sort of relationship, but a "relationship" i can understand the difficulties. u need some form of physical contact and just face to face experiences. i think you should let her go for now. she needs a lot of developing to go through still, she needs to put a cork on those raging hormones. and then maybe get back in touch in a year or so and see where it all stands. i still think what uve done for her is so totally cute and awesome! If i were old enough, and i were her, i wouldn't cheat on u. *thumbs up
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Yes, it is crazy, and NO you can not change her "back to the way she used to be" But something tells me from the way you talk about her that you don't even want advice, you are going to keep trying anyways to get her back. You sound quite pathetic and desperate to me. You do realize that if she doesn't want to be with you anymore, you have no say in it, right? You can't make her be with you. That is called stalking, and if all her friends are saying it, I imagine it to be true. You're talking as if you will not let her go, even if that is what she wants. Is that true? She's in college, do you have any idea what goes on in college? She's going to have tons of opportunities to be with other guys, and it sounds like shes taking up on those opportunities. Perhaps it does excite her or she is just trying to get the message through to you that it's over, an you aren't listening so she's sucking men off while you listen. You need to move on now, so just move on and save everyone involved some time. It is not going to work out, it sounds like she's already dumped you and you refuse to let go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Kaine!You may love her unconditionally, but if she does not love you, there is nothing you can do except to recognize and accept that fact and LET HER GO!Not that you can keep her, in any case. Look here: you live in different states; you've only met in person three times and you think you want to marry her? Come off it! You are living in a fantasy world.You sound very possessive. This does not make for a healthy relationship. Not with her, not with any other woman! I realize that what you are experiencing is hurtful, but even so......Get real.
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A
male
reader, Kaine +, writes (10 September 2007):
Kaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Bobby Jo.I really appreciate what you've said and i do believe you to be right.Any other guy in this type of situation would give up on it and break up with her.I'm a little bit different though..Even though i know this is going on, I still love her in my heart.My feelings have not changed for her :( Do you think something is wrong with me?She wasn't always like this.She use to be very sweet and angel like.I also have to take into consideration that there are many different types of women out there in the world.What she is doing can be pretty common for lack of a better word exhibitionist comes to mind.Its possible that she gets off on knowing that she could be caught.That chance that someone could see or know gives a person a rush or thrill.there are also many girls out there in the world.Its not uncommon for girls to pretend to be a virgin and pure or naive when in any sense of actuality there complete sluts.They use the innocence,and naiveness to lure guys in because alot of guys like girls that are innocent and angel like.These type of girls tend to get off on screwing with guys heads.Pretending they know nothing and are virgin and than teaseing him by playing games with his mind.I can't say that this is how she is, and i'd rather not believe any of that i just said.I'm just takeing into consideration i could have bin lied to the whole time and that could very well be a possibility.In my heart i still love her unconditionially.Even if she is doing this i don't feel that i could break up with her.I'm not interested in other girls i only want to be with her.This has only started 6 nights ago so maybe if we work together i can change her back to how she use to be :( Is it crazy for me to continue to love someone even though there love for me may no longer exhist?
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A
female
reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (10 September 2007):
 If she is doin what you think (i.e. suckin a man off)then she must be sick in the head to leave the phone on knowing full well u can probably hear! Get rid, you can do much better than that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): You can't help if you love her, but she can not love you back and there's nothing you can do. She's in college now, and there is almost zero chance that she is going to remain with you..you live in a different state. How did you even meet her? Online? It seems quite odd that you listen to her sleep on the phone. You only met her 3 times and you think you want her to be your wife? That's insane. Listening to her sleep over the phone is also kind of stalker material too. Look, she's hot, young and has an awesome personality. She's in college where a lot of the same in men are there looking to hook up, party, whatever. You have to just let go. The reason she's mean now is b/c she wants you to move on but you won't. The sucking noises are probably her having sex, or someone in her room if she shares one, having sex. That is what college kids do. Sorry, but I think you need to find a girl that lives near you and is in the same life stage as you are. Often when young women are quiet, niave, virgin types, then they get to college and just go crazy because they haven't been able to their whole lives. Ask her if she wants to break up and if she says yes, respect her and don't contact her anymore. Let her experience life. And you need to go experience life too.
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