A
male
age
51-59,
*uman_male
writes:I'm 42 and I've never had a girlfriend, or really had a woman show romantic or sexual interest in me my entire life. I've struggled hard to understand why. I'm a perfectly pleasant person. I used to go out a lot and I go on dates so it's not that I don't meet women, it's that they just don't see me in a sexual way, as a sexually attractive man. People seem to like me, just not in that way.I came to two conclusions, that I must be too ugly and that I'm somehow cursed. I don't believe in curses, but I've always had this feeling that some kind of higher force was manipulating my life, determined to prevent me from having a moments happiness. Intellectually I know this is a delusion, but I can't help but have this feeling.To make it worse, out of desperation I turned to God, and started preying and going to church. And this delusion transferred onto God. I didn't even realise it was happening. At first my religion was a positive thing but I've realised I have come to believe that God is punishing me, but I have no idea for what. I prey and beg him to tell me what I've done wrong, and what I can do to make it right because I don't think I can go on like this. Sometimes I feel I must be the loneliest person in the whole world, and I can't see it ever getting better.If anyone can offer any guidance I'd appreciate it. An outside perspective would help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): Turn to God? Many ppl think God will save him/her. You do not need to turn to religion in order to feel accepted by others.
Many ppl turn to religion so they feel like they belong- you can belong in other ways. Join a club- example play a sport or do a hobby. You'll bound to meet people who have similar interest.
Maybe you need to revamp your look or rethink how you approach women. Look up the Science of sex appeal. It lists essential qualities people look for in a mate- try to embody them. Also look at BBC's documentary Attraction. I watched it yesterday and there is a guy who does not seem like to have luck with women but after he gets some helpful advice, he is perceived as more attractive and witty. Interesting findings. Worth a look.
A
female
reader, ScaredForLove  +, writes (15 December 2012):
Awww :( I'm sure you're a great guy! I'll be your friend :D Maybe (I know it might seem far-fetched considering your age) but maybe you seriously haven't found the right gal yet. Have you tried, like, church singles nights?maybe you were just meant to focus on other things besides relationships?
Best of luck, dear. :) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): I'm around your age also, and still alone...For me...at my age, still i haven't met the man who i feel will give respect to me and can protect me...can give me the assurances i want..if i can't met the man i want...i'd be better to be alone...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): Join the crowd, me too, thought I was the only one that felt like that so you know I can't help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): I agree with Candid Cally - God helps those who help themselves.
First I would suggest that if you aren't already, you should strive to do everything within your power to make yourself as physically attractive as possible. Physical attraction is not the be-all and end-all, but it gets your foot in the door so that your great personality has a chance to shine through. Physical attractiveness ranges from seemingly superficial things like how you dress and your physique, to less superficial like how you carry yourself and behave. Don't try to be fake, rather, strive to improve your physical attractiveness in a way that it naturally becomes you.
some examples:
- are you overweight? if so, lose the extra pounds. Go to the gym regularly, eat healthy. Make your body look as attractive as possible.
- personal grooming. You might want to change the way you dress, or your hair, to enhance your appearance.
- does your posture and how you carry yourself show confidence? if not, work on that.
I know it sounds superficial, but those are things that are within your control, so that's why I think you should do it.
Second, you mentioned you've been going to church. Churches are very family-oriented, they see singlehood as only for adolescents and to be temporary therefore they want to see people get married and have kids (this is something I disagree with but I'm just stating a fact). I bet that your church would be willing to help you find a partner within the congregation by playing match-maker, so why not approach your pastor or the singles ministry for help. They would probably be only too thrilled to help you find someone as they probably will want to see you get married (for reasons I don't agree with, but again, just trying to use this to your advantage).
You said you've been on dates. so obviously, women DO find you interesting enough to go out with you. Could it be that your relationship skills (rather than some inherent defect as you seem to believe) are what's lacking and thus why those dates don't lead to more connection? In all my relationships the attraction didn't happen on the first meeting or even the second or third. rather they all started out as platonic friendships and were platonic for, like years, and then as we gradually became more familiar with each other that's when we discovered lots in common and THEN the other person starts looking more attractive to you and vice versa...with my husband, for example, we were friends for years without the slightest romantic interest going either way. Then after several years of close friendship (like brother-sister type of friendship) we started to find each other attractive and it's now been 8 years we've been married and we're still so crazy about each other the romance is still strong.
I'm very plain-looking by the way, I don't dress in the latest trends or anything and I hardly ever wear makeup. My husband and all my previous boyfriends fell in love with me without ever having seen me in make-up (and with my make-up skills, trust me you do not want to see me in make up!). But I am trim and fit and I do wear clothes that while not stylish are not frumpy either. I don't break any major fashion rules! I also have spent much effort developing my relationship skills in general which applies to all relationships not just romantic ones. Things like empathy, being a good listener, being non-judgmental, being genuinely interested in the other person...etc. these things tend to draw people to you. Yes it may be platonic but sometimes as people get to know you better over time they will then become attracted to you.
I can't answer your existential question about whether you're cursed or being punished by God. I can only offer down-to-earth practical suggestions that are within your control.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): It's hard to know what's going on with that amount of information. Even the most unattractive and socially awkward people can find mates, so don't lose all hope.
I have some theories:
You go for girls "out of your league" who don't have the heart to say no.
Maybe on your dyes you talk about something that scares them off, like never having a girlfriend.
Maybe you seem desperate. That can be extremely unattractive to a woman.
You might not be confident to the point of being a turn off.
Are you afraid to make a move out of fear of rejection? Maybe you give off a vibe that says you're not interested by not asking for more.
This may sound crazy, but if I had your luck with women I'd pay an escort to go on a date with me for the night and tell me what her thoughts were about why I'd never had a relationship. It could really open your eyes and change your life. You aren't too old to be happy!
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (15 December 2012):
Prayers are not always answered the way we want them to be. My mother explained that often God says 'No,' as part of a bigger plan. But, she would also point out that, 'God helps those who help themselves.' Basically, prayer is not always enough because we need to make wise choices to bring good things into our lives. God doesn't drop eligible partners into people's laps. You need to put yourself in situations (perhaps volunteer, take a class, learn a new skill?) where you can meet new people who share an interest with you.
Shared interests create a foundation for new relationships.
Finally, God is not punishing you. You are punishing yourself because you are unhappy. Please, take steps so you can find your calling. Once you do, you will find peace.
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