A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunt's. I recently came back from a 3 month vacation and have been indoors and kind of claustrophobic. I live with my current bf and we've been together for a little over a year now. I saw him dressing up today and asked him where he was going because he always wants me to meet his friends and likes showing me off. He is 23 years my senior. So I asked him if he was going out and he said he was going to have a cocktail with friends. I suspected him and asked why i wasnt invited. He said his ex girlfriend of over 3 years was going to be there. I was upset and asked why he cares so much about her feelings. She's over 40 years old. I asked if he was ashamed of me. He kept making the excuse that he didn't want any awkward situation. I'm trying to wrap my head around why he cares about her feelings. Can someone tell me hes wrong because he has made thus seem normal and calls me immature?I dont have a problem introducing my partner to my ex if we met in public. He said im banished from meeting some of his friends. This is the same man I warned never to show me off to his friends. Something isn't right about all these.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2019): Sorry but I don't think he takes your relationship seriously. I do think, however that he hooked up with his ex while you were gone for 3 months. That's a long time to be away and things can change. He likes to have you for the ego boost and your youth. He might now have her because she's closer in age and has more in common. I would watch him from now on. His behaviour is OFF.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 May 2019):
 Not sure what your boyfriend's ex's age has to do with him not wanting to hurt her feelings, unless you were trying to say that, at her age she should not be so sensitive? Problem is, age is irrelevant to whether someone is sensitive or not.
There could be many things going on here and we can, obviously, only put theories forward and guess what MIGHT be going on. He could still be hoping to get back with is ex. Perhaps he actually DID get back with her while you were away. He could be embarrassed that he is dating someone young enough to be his daughter. He could be worried you will behave badly if you come face to face with the ex.
Whatever is going on, the FACT is that he has told you he will not be introducing you to this group of friends. You now have to decide whether you want to go out with someone who is open about his WHOLE life or who keeps different friends in different boxes (for whatever reasons). I know what MY decision would be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2019): He doesn't want to be judged by his peers. It's fine to be seen with you, as long as you only get to meet those he knows will approve of you. When he can display you like a trophy and make himself look studly!
As for this ex, who gives a rat's patootie what she thinks? He put his foot in it big-time! She's yesterday's news! If it makes her feel old and awkward, that's not your fault! Denying you any access to his friends is a very strange demand. My guess is, somebody made an embarrassing comment or joke regarding the age-difference in your relationship. Perhaps someone even suggested it to be unseemly or socially-awkward...or maybe unacceptable in their social-circles.
He banishes you from meeting his friends? Where are we now, in the 18th century??? Seriously?!! He could have at least made it seem he was being protective. He's totally on the defensive, and that makes no sense!
Exes have no bearing on current relationships; whether ex-spouses, or old discontinued romantic-relationships. 'Ex" means former and no-longer! Irrelevant for the most-part! History! Their presence is necessary and acceptable when you share children, a business, property; or you both maintain a platonic non-intrusive friendship. Like friends, they have their place.
In the present, you are his woman; and all the ladies he used to know are the past. They deserve the common-courtesy any human being deserves; but hiding your present relationship means you still have something for them. You don't want to make them jealous; or lose an opportunity to rekindle something. Worse-case scenario, he is a ashamed of you! You're something to hide and not tarnish his image!
I have a rule. When exes become a wedge, competition, or pain in the arse...I'm gone!!! No ifs, and's, or buts! Females are more likely to allow these really hurtful things; in order to maintain their relationships. Not I!
When you tell me you love me, I know what that means; and I hold you to it! I treat my partner as I want to be treated. No more, no less!
You don't stab me in the back, kick me in the groin, or turn your back...then turn around and tell me you love me. I may still love you...but it will be as a fond memory! I'll get over you!
Stand-up for your principles. You should be treated well under all circumstances; unless you do something terribly wrong or destructive. Even then, there is a right-way and a wrong-way to deal with it.
Eventually, there would come a time when he would treat you like a child. Maybe be embarrassed. This shouldn't surprise you. He feels uncomfortable being with you around certain people he knows. He is concerned about their opinions and shocked reactions.
Such vast differences in age in romantic-relationships causes raised-eyebrows; but if you're going to do it, have the nerve not to hide it! FROM ANYBODY!!!
Now it comes down to how much of this you can allow without being hurt by it? If you can accept it, fine. If you can't? Do what's best for you. He's starting to show you a side of himself you don't appreciate. It isn't a good sign; and it is quite painful to experience. Feeling that someone is ashamed of you. Placing unreasonable restrictions on you that make you feel disgraced and demeaned.
I suppose you can offer him an ultimatum. Such as, if you're banished from meeting friends due to his being ashamed of you; perhaps you will also banish him from your life! You may as well move-on; where you'll be more respected, and find someone unashamed to be with you! No matter whom they're around! Don't complain when you're tolerant of behavior that you find hurtful. Your options are always open. I hope race or your socioeconomic-status are not factors behind all this! That would be even worse!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2019):
 So what that his ex is 40? HER age has nothing to do with your BF's actions.
He doesn't WANT to introduce you to his friends. You have to ask yourself why.
Is he seeing someone else? Is he pretending to be single? Maybe YOUR age is the issue? If you look, sound and act really young he might not want to "show you off" because he is afraid of the judgement from his friends.
I think he is pretty clean when he says, YOU are banished from meeting some of his friends. I don't think he sees a future with you. You are a "dirty" little secret who lives with him.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Other than a place to live?
Do you have friends of your own you can hang out with and socialize with? If so, I suggest you do that.
And I will also suggest you decide if you want to BE with someone who doesn't want around his friends. It's just weird.
It's ONLY awkward for the ex, and/or friends to meet you if they have never heard about you and boom there you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2019): He does not care about you.If he did he would have no problem bringing you around his ex.I think he wanted to hook up with her and you would be in the way of that.You can only meet some of his friends?Another red flag right there.I think all you are to him is arm candy when it is convenient for him.Already I have pointed out two red flags a lot of people would end a relationship over.Really why are you still there.He has shown he does not respect your feelings....another red flag by the way.Leave him and find someone who respects you and who is proud to have you by his side and who will introduce you to all his friends not just a select few.Sorry but this guy may say he loves you but his actions prove otherwise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2019): OP, consider that part of your question for why he cares about her feelings is because she's 40 years old. So does it not make you wonder why someone his age wants someone your age?
Perhaps he's realised you won't have a lot in common with his friends who are his age. Most of them would likely make comments in private about how much younger you are and question his judgement - not because they think negatively of you, but because most decent men don't find women 20+ years younger on the same level for dating because of the huge, unequal life experience gap.
In cases with such big age gaps, it's often because women closer to their own age spot the red flags and don't fall for being "taken care of" or charmed. I think you're just starting to see the pitfalls of being with someone so much older.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 May 2019):
 Banished from meeting friends for what reason? Very bizarre.
I have to agree, not sure why things would be awkward. I’m presuming they’ve both moved on so not too sure what the issue is. Why did you warn him not to show you off?
More info needed please.
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