A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just have a short question. Something is nagging me about my boyfriend's past. I am aware that he cannot change it, and perhaps I am over-analyzing or exaggerating things. I am not sure if the answer from him would affect my feelings or not. Basically, should a person share all of their feelings with their partner honestly, even if they sound a little... Neurotic or obsessive about something? Or should you try to let things go that you don't have a real rational reason to ask, even if it bothers you? Honesty and openness v.s. Letting go of things that probably don't matter? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 March 2011):
 "...should a person share all of their feelings with their partner honestly, even if they sound a little... Neurotic or obsessive about something?"
Yes and no. Yes, in that if a person does not feel comfortable sharing their feelings with their significant other, something is wrong. No, in that sometimes it really is better just to know you *could* share your feelings, then choose not to do so. That's a judgment call we all have to make on our own.
"Honesty and openness v.s. Letting go of things that probably don't matter?"
Why not both? Think things through before you say anything. Don't hit someone with your unrefined thoughts, get to the heart of the issue and talk about that instead. The rest is just noise.
Look, you're right to be concerned about his past. The past is the best predictor of the future. You didn't say what the issue was, but I'll stand by it for just about anything. If he has cheated before, or otherwise been a man-whore, he likely will continue to do so. If he did drugs, he'll likely seek to do them again. If he was a nerd and kept a complete set of Babylon Five DVD's next to his gaming dice, he probably still has those hidden away somewhere.
Yes, people can change, but that truism is no reason to demand we get a pass at someone else's risk.
Figure out the most important part of what's bothering you, wait for a good time (no longer than a week), and talk to him about it. If it's not something you can handle, leave.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Never ask for the truth if you cant handle it. However, if you do know something about your boyfriend's past and it bothers you, you have to realize that its the PAST. You cant change anything and neither can he.
All of us have something in our past that we wish we had done differently. There are things which most of us wish we could forget. But if we hold on to all that, is it of any use? Its best to let go of the past and live in the present. Let go of things that don't matter. How will obsessing over the past ever help or change anything?? It wont, and it will just complicate your life even more. Dont obsess over your partner's past, simply because thats like getting into a bottomless pit. There's no end to it. Just let go. Its just the much better option and it makes life so much easier!
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 It depends on what that something in his past is. Can you fill us in a little more?
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You should do a bit of both. Tell him that something bothers you a little, but that you really like him, and you are going to move past it. Tell him you're bringing it up so that you two can talk about it and move past it faster, and keep the convo calm, sincere, and as loving as possible.
Best of Luck
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