A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi, can somebody pls help?My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch, just arguing about nothing really. I feel she is pulling away as the loving texts\mails she used to send have stopped. However, we are stil in regular contact but less affectionateFor the last couple of weeks I have backed off slighty and not demanded to find out where I stand. I've just acted upbeat and happy. Basically, I want too know how i can avoid pressurising here, whilst at the same time find out where we stand. Do I calmly ask her where we are at (is this pressure?) or do I back off and become less available in order to the turn tables and make her wonder?many thxjoe
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 March 2008):
 And are these 'love tacticians' in really great relationships? If they are, then maybe you should listen to them; if not...hmmm.
In all honesty, I did use what some might call 'love tactics' in my relationship with my now husband. But I really did it because it was becoming apparent to me that I was the one screwing up any promising relationships. Not him, me! Very startling and humbling.
Sorry, moderators, here she goes again...
The 'love tactics' were from a book: A Fine Romance, Judith Sills, from the late 80s, and this was one of the biggest helps to me in figuring out my issues and has been of help to several friends...
I learned about it from a couple I knew who were in counseling to save their relationship--the book didn't save it, but it crystallized for him, at least, why he wasn't happy in the relationship. They were engaged but not married and had hit a rough patch. He's now married, very happily to a great woman and has two lovely daughters.
I have no idea if this will help you but this is all I have to offer at the moment.
Thanks for the follow up, and all the best.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (1 March 2008):
 love tactics sound like another word for games.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (29 February 2008):
Ask her where you stand. Ask her if she's mad. If she says yes, ask her why is she mad at you, and just listen. Think before you speak, and try to find something to make both of you happy. Repeat stuff she says in the form of a question to her to make sure that you've heard her right. Then interpret it for yourself, repeat your interpretation in the form of a question to her to see if you are interpreting her correctly. This sounds like a lot of stuff to do and remember, but it's just basic communication skills. I'm sure things will improve and be alright if you two will start communicating more. Or maybe you could wait a few days to give her a cool down period. If she wants space, let her take it. She might realize that she misses you and start communicating more herself. But whatever you do, don't wait forever for HER to say something, and I'm not saying this cos you're a guy. If the roles were reveresed and she had put something like this on here, I would tell her to initiate, but since you are the one who is wondering at the moment, I say initiate conversation!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha,
thx for advice. we are both 37. I meant to say that I will have a calm talk..and then see what happens.
I have backed off as a lot of 'love tacticians' reckon i should make her miss me, raie her interest etc...chase a shadow & it runs,run away and it follows and all that...
Just out of interest do you think there is anything in 'love tactics' at all??
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2008):
Sorry, I just realized I assumed you were in your early 20s, sorry if that's incorrect.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2008):
I think rcn had some good advice here, and LJ001 is correct in that there is nothing else for it but to talk to her.
Maybe this will help. When I was your girlfriend's age (I assume it's about the same as yours?), I expected my boyfriend to be able to read my mind and know when I was upset about something. I would behave in a very similar fashion to your gf--we didn't have texting back then in the dark ages--but I would sigh alot, ignore his affectionate gestures toward me, and just expect him to realize the error of his ways without me having to tell him. The more he carried on in the same way, and the more confused he became about what I was feeling, the more certain I was that he just did not understand me. Then I would really be self-righteous, not only does he not know what he did, he's pretending it didn't happen and he DOESN'T GET IT!
It was quite the little vicious cycle: I would get snippy and ignore him, and he would just not realize what it was that was bothering me and on and on it would go.
Looking back on it now, I realize what a waste of time it was, but I just didn't know any better!
With another earlier boyfriend, poor dear, I simply lost interest in him and didn't have the courage to break up with him. I could not muster the strength to have "THE TALK" and I created a situation in which he finally had had enough and did the deed for us. In my defense, he had a bit of a temper and it was just easier for me to let him get angry enough to end it than it was for me to have a fight with him or have to explain myself.
Again, another waste of time, but again, I didn't know myself or how to deal with just telling him how I felt.
I'm NOT saying that either of these scenarios are what is going on with you or your gf, but I am suggesting that communication is the only way to resolve this.
You are obviously trying to figure this out, good for you!
My suggestion is that you arrange to have a quiet space somewhere to have a good long conversation with her about your concerns, and to hear what is going on in her mind. Please be patient with her, and with yourself.
She may just need reassurance that you adore her even though you did something foolish that you didn't realize was hurtful to her; or she may want to slow things down or separate from you and just doesn't know how to go about it.
Or there may just be about a hundred different reasons; she's preoccupied with work, school, a problem with the family, she doesn't feel well, the list of possibilities is rather large.
Rather than wonder, talk with her as lovingly and calmly as you can, and listen.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 February 2008):
 if you turn the tables, that's reinforcing her backing off. a big problem in relationships is instead of being proactive, we become reactive. using the "where do we stand" causes pain to generally one or more people, reason being is you recognize the arguments and the lack of communication, so she may stand in a position of giving up and not working these issues out.
I'm going to go out on the limb here by stating that you haven't been treating her as special as you know she is in your life. I'm not judging you, I state that because most men don't. We get into a comfort zone, and once having her we seem to slow down and show how they mean to us less and less. When this happens their emotional bank account begins to hold less and less.
When talking to her apologize. Tell her how you want it to work and want the arguments to stop. Bring her a flower when you do. I remember hearing a story about a lady who put a china cup on her husbands grave when he passed. There marriage wasn't working out, and he asked a friend what he should do. His friend said to start treating her like fine china instead of tupperware. He did so and it made a huge impact on their marriage for the remaining 30 years before he passed.
When you notice something not working, you need to change what you're doing. A business saying is "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Talk to her honey! Nothing else to say babe, just talk to her. Guys on here are really helpful and everything, but I think you know in yourself that the only person that can truly help reassure you and calm your fears is your girlfriend. It might be hard at first, but talk to her and express how you feel. If she's your girlfriend, she should love you with all her heart and want to show it, so I'm presuming it should be ok for you guys to talk about stuff. Just relax, ease in a conversation about it, and I'm sure it'll be fine. Hope everything goes alright, good luck :]
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