A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am going crazy out of my mind. I have been scared to ask anyone for their unbiased opinion because I fear that I may come off as a nutcase, but here goes nothing...In April 2009, I began dating a guy who I'd known since I was 9. We were separated when we were 10 and reconnected nearly 16 years later and hit it off. Although he didn't want a relationship at the time, we continued to date each other for several months. We hit a rough patch but tried to work it out for another several months...until I learned (in April 2010) that my best friend of 16 years had lied to him about me (to get him to stop talking to me) and was sleeping with him behind my back. He and I had never spoken of being exclusive, but he made it quite clear that he didn't want me seeing or sleeping with other men, so I assumed the same of him.That's the prequel. Basically, I think I'm paranoid because I felt betrayed by two people people I held closest to me. Here's what's going on now: I met another man (we'll call him X) through a mutual friend of ours in April of this year. X asked me out one week after I found out about my best friend sleeping with the other guy I had been dating. I told this guy, "No!" He and I hung out a few times and eventually, I gave in to going on a date. We had a blast and began dating. Two months into dating, I asked him what the heck we were doing. He explained he wasn't ready for a relationship yet but he'd like to continue to see me. He also told me it would bother him if I even went out to dinner with someone else, so I agreed not to see anyone else if, in return, he agreed to do the same (which he did).We have been hanging out a lot since we began dating. Late last month, X went MIA for a week (he explained, without being asked, that it had nothing to do with me or another girl). The next time I saw him, we hung out and then went to go talk by the beach. He told me that he had been strung out on speed for the past week (he has a past history with drugs). He told me he was sorry he hurt me and he promised never to do it again. The next night, I was told by another mutual friend (someone I had introduced X to...and we'll call this guy Q), that X had been telling him that he was still sleeping with his ex and had two women staying with him that very night (even though X had been texting me...figured he wouldn't converse with me if he was with two other women in that way). I asked X the next day (without bringing Q into it) if he had been with any other women since we made the agreement to not be with other people. He said he hadn't.X is very attentive. He cuddles, gives the best hugs and kisses, and is totally affectionate. The paranoia kicked in when I found a condom wrapper on his bedroom floor this morning. I don't remember seeing it there the last time we used them (sometimes we use them, sometimes we don't), although I may have just not noticed. I don't think he thought I saw it laying there and I watched him quickly pick it up and throw it away.I suspect that Q has no reason to lie to me by telling me that X is sleeping with other women. Am I completely paranoid from my last dating experience and what I heard from Q? Is X putting me at risk and lying to me? I like him and care about him so much, but I can't find a way around this insecurity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the kind advice. As I spend more and more time with him, I feel a little less insecure. We just spoke last night about his drug usage and he has agreed to stay clean for fear of losing me. He knows that I will find out if he's using again and I will write him off. He's a good person and I still haven't figured out who's lying to whom about him supposedly sleeping around, but I'm sure time will tell. I trust him, but am just now cautious. It shouldn't have to be that way, but this "relationship" is also pretty new. We shall see. Thank you again.
And yes, the best friend has been written off. I never even confronted her about it.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Wait and see if it happens again or if he does other weird things that don't add up. Next time he goes missing in action, you could just pay him a "surprise" visit to see if there's another woman there. Make it a late night call but don't let him suspect that you're checking on him. If he's clean, then you have to trust him otherwise he'll begin to realize that you don't trust him and that alone can create a whole other bag of problems.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 It's true that condoms always get forgotten but someone who uses drugs loses his credibility. Sorry not all druggies cheat and are aware of what they are doing but even if they didn't mean to their brains can't function 100%. If you don't get a clear status on your relationship you can't expect him to fulfil his responsbility as a boyfriend. He may be sweet and a little possessive but that's no indication that he's your boyfriend already. If you confront him he's going to remind you again that he told you he's not ready for a relationship, or he would keep on lying. If you decide to let this go you have to make sure he goes to treatment or there's no hope for this relationship. He clearly is not ready for a relationship and it's up to you how long you can be patient. If you feel sad because you can never get over this, aim higher next time and never get involved with a druggie again.
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A
female
reader, WhateverMovesThee +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Oh, you're right to be insecure. Those two men have played you and prey on your believing in them. "I'm not ready for a relationship, but let's have sex (we'll call it dating) and oh, don't sleep with other guys" translates into, "Oink oink, I'm a pig! I will have sex with other girls but keep you to myself (oink)." You say this man does speed, HUGE red flag. He went MIA for a week because of it and pardon me if I'm wrong, but don't some drug users also have large sex binges? I'd ditch both and take my time in finding a man worthy of me. Also, your best friend...backstabbing loser. Whatever happened to hos before bros? Hope you've ditched her too. You seem like a trusting, sensitive person and you don't those three in your life.
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