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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi all.Me and my gf of 2 years split up about 3 months ago. I dumped her, but very quickly realised my mistake. However, she didn't take me back, although she didn't say it was over - she simply said (quite understandably) that she was confused, upset, and needed time and space to think.After about 6 weeks of me hanging on and giving her space (which was damned painful), I was coming to the conclusion that she was never coming back. She gave me very mixed signals during that time, would sometimes meet up with me and we'd end up kissing, other times she wouldn't even speak to me for a week.However, after about 6 weeks i bumped into two of her friends. They duly informed me that she had been having a 9 month affair behind my back, with a work colleague. At first I didn't want to believe them, but the story they told was VERY detailed, and made perfect sense, as our r'ship had taken a downturn at around the time this all allegedly started, i.e. her sex drive suddenly dropped, she kept seeing me later and later and less at the weekends. They also informed me that the guy she'd been hanging out with (not alone i hasten to add) she had a real crush on, and was waiting not to make a decision on whether she wanted to be with me, but whether this guy was interested in a r'ship with her - if he was, I was history. If not, she'd come running back to me. I've had it confirmed by a separate source that she kissed this guy, but nothing more - which matches perfectly with the story my gf's two friends told me.After 2 and a half weeks after being told this stuff, and in the meantime my gf had mysteriously stopped contacting me (I assumed she'd been told what I knew, and was too scared to confront me), I received a call from her out of the blue.We met up, I confronted her with what I'd been told, and she denied it all. She told me she still loved me, wanted nothing more than to be with me. She told me (as she had done before) that she felt clinically depressed, and all she'd done was get her head in order, and now she was back on the straight and narrow, she wanted to be together again.It's now been about 3 weeks, I've given things a second chance. My feelings have changed, I don't love her anymore. I know for certain that although she may well be lying about cheating on me, that her heart lies well and truly with me through the things she's said, and the way she's got upset about things.I guess my question is what do I do? I'm trying to put the past behind us, but deep down I want to know the truth, and I'm willing to do nearly anything to find out. I feel that if she has cheated on me, and I know for definite that she has, in a weird way that will set me free. Or on the other hand, if I can find out that I've been lied to by her friends, who have got motive to do this (I can see no reason why I should trust them, I know what they're capable of), then that will make me feel better also. Does anyone have any ideas on how I might be able to find out? I've asked my gf to tell me the truth, she simply states that she's told me the truth, that she's never done anything wrong or cheated. Unfortunately I find that very hard to believe.Sorry about the long post.
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female
reader, Taija +, writes (15 September 2006):
 hey hun, well to be honest im not 100% sure that her friends would know when her sex drive went down and all the other things especially not at the particular time that they stated she was cheating on you. when your other half lies to you you can normally feel it in your gut. cheating and lieing is something you dont want in your relationship. if she does know that you know then she will try and hide it as much as possible because she knows that it is wrong. i honestly do not think that you are going to get a truthful answer out of her especially in this type of situation. how i know this is because my partner once was spending long hours at work and was always on his laptop in the kids room and i hardly ever got to see him. then one day i snapped him looking for other married people to have sex with and he denied it but in my gut i knew something was up a couple of weeks later i found text messages and emails saying how they enjoyed his sexual company and when i confronted him he denied it and kept lieing by saying that he was just looking for friends and did not have sex with anyone except me. in my heart i knew he was lieing and eventually i found out the truth when i went to surprise him after work he was in his office with my work collegue having sex. even though i walked in he still denied it. so all i can say is trust your instincts they never let you down and as for giving it a second chance well you cant live in a relationship that is only built of no love and plenty of lies especially cheating its just going to turn your head inside out. i hope this helped you and sorry for the long answer. good luck :o)
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