A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Such a great site with wide answers.I am in a quandary here. I have a friend in her mid thirties who is a new mom. She is an alcoholic and before she decided to get pregnant after consulting with her boyfriend I begged her to get her drinking under control first.She was angry with me and proceeded to get pregnant. I was well aware of her addiction issues and I asked myself..How will she cope with the responsibility of a baby when she is so precarious. I thought there could be a tragedy.Her daughter is now a year and half. She and her boyfriend have split. She mentioned child welfare has been involved...the police also with her little one enduring issues with joint custody.She has been open with her mental health struggles which is good and seems to love her little one.The issue is that I have called there and she has been on her own with her daughter and she has been drunk on the phone and getting drunker as I talk to her.This issue has been picked up by neighbors and by her husbands family too. I mentioned it to her and she was furious.This was the sad outcome I predicted. Why cant people think things through.I have decided that the responsible course of action is to call Childrens Aid and it will add to the file already started but I wish there was some other way.My question is should I tell her I am thinking of calling. Perhaps this will be the wakeup she needs to get the help she needs.I just want her to get the help she needs.Is this a betrayal of friendship? I weigh this out with the worry for her little one. She is a sweet laid back little one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): The problems is the fact that she is an alcoholic....the need for drink will drive her, and she will choose that over anything. As her friend you have to do what’s right for the child, hopefully in the months to come you can help and support her to address her drinking but until she has her child must be at the fore front of every decision and the child’s safety must come first.
Let me reassure you that you are being a good friend by protecting her child.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): I'd usually want to advocate honesty and transparency but when it comes to a child's safety there is no doubt you call the relevant services and log any and every concern you have - and I'd not tell the friend you're doing it. If you're in a place where you feel you can still offer her support I would continue to be a friend to her, to try and support her but equally the more you're in touch the better picture you're getting of how she's coping, which could influence more reports if needed. It sounds like a very sad and tragic situation, and while you could see the issues lying ahead she wasn't able to, due to her alcoholism.
Growing up with a primary carer as an alcoholic could leave this baby in extremely vulnerable situations, which could get worse over time. Most children's services will do all they can to keep a child with, or at least have a lot of contact with, biological parents and be able to initiate support for your friend to face her issues, overcome them and become a better parent. Please do report, but I'd personally not tell her so she doesn't feel her nearest and dearest are turning against her and potentially send her mental health spiralling even more - as I mentioned I'd try hard to maintain normal contact for her child and her sake.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 June 2020):
 If you believe your friend's daughter is in danger - which sounds like a distinct possibility based on what you write - then you have an obligation to try to ensure her safety and involve whoever needs to be involved.
Even if your friend does not physically harm her daughter or neglect her welfare, growing up with an addict can cause severe long-term psychological damage to a child.
I'm sorry but there really is no easy or nice way out of this. I feel for you, but I feel for the child more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): You shouldn't tell her, because she will likely do something foolish. If she's drinking, the children shouldn't be left in her care. Do what's best for the children. If they're taken from her, what would be the best motivation for her to seek rehabilitation? Don't forget, they also have a father. If he is fighting for custody, this is his justification. Whether you like that or not! She's a drunk, and an incapable-mother until she is not.
I think it is best you distance yourself from this friend. You can't control her life, and worrying about her and the children will distract you from attending to your own life. This drama will go-on for years!
If there is any cause for guilt, it shouldn't be for reporting her; it should be for allowing the children to remain in such an environment. Remove the honored-title of friend from this woman; until she has sought alcohol and drug rehabilitation. She is no friend in her present condition.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): Hi,
No, it is not a betrayal of friendship, it is an adult's duty to protect children who they genuinely feel/think are in danger or emotional damage, these children have no choice or voice. I am afraid friendship is not the issue here it is a child's wellbeing, health, and possibly life.
Your friend needs help with her addiction and mental health. She will only deteriorate in her alcoholism and mental health, maybe if her mental health is helped she can tackle her alcohol addiction (often they go hand in hand).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 June 2020):
 No, telling her won't make a difference.
An alcoholic is addicted to their drink. She CHOSE to get pregnant without getting totally sober first, so she might very well have affected the baby from conception with her drinking. And she knows it. I mean in this day and age WHO doesn't know that drinking during pregnancy can affect the fetus negatively? So many kids have issue later on with development especially, and that is something the kid will be affected by for the rest of their lives.
What if something happens and she has to drive to the ER? Or she herself falls down drunk?
I think if her OWN family has called Children's Aid already, and SHE hasn't gotten her act together and sought help, you giving her advanced warning is going to do NOTHING. Other than her cutting you off.
Just like a drug addict, an alcoholic won't seek treatment until they ACCEPT that they NEED help and they are READY to receive help.
I think she is FAR more likely to EVENTUALLY seek help if her daughter is removed from her care. I know it sounds harsh, but that is what I think. I have known some high functioning alcoholics and at some point things went to shit, and NOT until then did they seek help.
Her BF was an IDIOT to have unprotected sex with her if he wanted her to STOP drinking and be sober BEFORE making a child. And you know what? This CHILD is paying the price. Poor kid.
I know if feels like betrayal, but someone should be on the child's side.
She can't BE the best mom she can be if she is getting drunk on a daily basis.
This has tragedy written all over.
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