A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My friends and I went out for drinks a week ago to celebrate our graduation. My school gives out informal academic awards for the best student of each subject along with our respite cards, and of my friends began complaining , unprompted, about how she received an award but not in the subject she wanted to. I first politely asked her to change the topic, and when she didn’t I snapped at her for whining when there are equally qualified people who wanted the award she got. I apologized for being mean afterwards, my friend said it’s fine but she’s completely icing me out. She’s a close friend and this seems like such a stupid way to spend our last summer together, but when I try to talk to her she’ll tell me it’s fine and proceed to ignore me. What the heck do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2020):
 I am a lot older than you and learned a valuable lesson a long time ago: we can do anything we like in life but everything comes with a price, so be sure you are willing to pay that price BEFORE you choose to do something.
You acknowledge you were "mean" to your friend. By that I assume you now realize you could have handled the situation in a kinder way than you did. Perhaps the alcohol didn't help? Regardless of how much winging your friend did, she is now hurt and upset by how you chose to speak to her. Yes, she probably was being a pain but you could have chosen to ignore her. She has feelings and you hurt those feelings when you turned on her. Being turned on hurts a lot more when it is someone with whom we are/were close and with whom we felt "safe" venting our feelings about something which upset us.I am not saying you were wrong to shut her down, but neither is she wrong for feeling the way she now does.
If you still don't understand, then do this: take a sheet of clean copier paper. Look at it. It's faultless, isn't it? Now screw up that same piece of paper into a tight ball. Next unfold it again and straighten it out on the table with your hands and apologize to it. Is it the same as it was? Of course not. It has marks on it from what you did to it. That is how your friend feels at the present time.
How much do you value her friendship? I assume quite a lot otherwise you would not have bothered to write in. Can you send her a card, saying you realize you were mean and that you accept there is no excuse for it and wish you could get past it and be friends again? Even if she decides to warm up your friendship, it will probably take quite a while for her to trust you enough to relax round you like she used to. Perhaps the friendship will develop into something different to what it was. Perhaps it will be better. Perhaps it will never really recover and she will always be wary of you.
Take this as a life lesson and never speak to someone in a way you would not appreciate someone speaking to you, unless you do not value the relationship.
I hope your friend can eventually find it in her heart to forgive you but don't bank on it. Not everything can be repaired.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): Let the situation alone and give her some space. She is pouting, and you shouldn't be so oversensitive to being ignored. If you have other friends; then spend more time with those you have neglected, and deserve more of your time.
Friends who get angry at you for telling the truth or correcting them when they are wrong are not good friends. In fact, they're not real friends at all. They are loyal as long as you agree with them or cater to them. You have to learn how to rise above petty behavior and not let childishness upset you.
Either she gets-over herself, or you should just drop the friendship and move on. She's pulling a grand drama queen performance, and you're enabling her. Now every-time you don't bow-down and kiss her feet; all she has to do is ignore you. Don't fall for that!!!
Rise above it, don't let her know it bothers you, and watch her come running back!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): She better get used to the big university of life, full of competition and even the best don't make it sometimes. Better get used to not getting what she wants and then spitting her dummy out if she does not get it.
She was whinging and maybe you could have spared the snapping at her, and walked away instead. Maybe a nice little sorry card or flowers would melt the ice, but remember next time any whinging remove yourself from earshot.
I remember my Uni days just before graduation time and my friend received an informal award of (a clock) for always been late to lectures (so funny). Someone else got the Grumpy award (she sulked) I got paintbrushes for my artistic grafiti telling off and we also had the QUEEN award (a crown) she actually did deserve it and we helped put it on her head she was a lovely very shy girl. Great memories. We all need to Learn to laugh alot and love alot and stop whinging.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 June 2020):
 What do you do?
You accept that your friend can't handle criticism and that you are not a good listener.
In friendships AND relationships there are times where people NEED to whine, rant, let it all out.
She was disappointed. She whined. You got annoyed, perhaps because YOU didn't get that award and would have been happy to get it? Or you got one she wanted instead? Is the REAL issue that you felt she was rubbing it in your face that SHE actually GOT an award? And that she should have been grateful?
Not sure.
The thing is, you could have said: " I know, it sucks."
You can't DICTATE what other people want to talk about or be upset about. I GET that it gets old to listen to.
Also INSTEAD of asking HER to change the subject... YOU could have changed the subject.
She isn't fine with what you said and how you said it. Maybe she is a tad over-sensitive, maybe YOU are?
Either way... I'd give her some space so she can (hopefully) get over being butthurt about something that REALLY doesn't matter in the bigger picture.
And learn from this. Snapping at people can have consequences. An apology doesn't FIX that. So THINK before you "snap".
Ask yourself - Is "snapping" really going to help either of you?, is it beneficial to the conversations?
Would you have liked for HER to "snap" at you if you were upset about something? (even if it's something as silly as getting the "wrong" award"?
My youngest had a friend who would ask my daughter about grades and points on tests and she would get pissed EVERY time my daughter scored better. So my daughter told her OK, from now on I'm not going to share results because you get so upset at me for doing better than you. And as you can imagine, they are no longer "friends". Sometimes that happens.
You could both have behaved better and with more maturity, but sometimes people don't. Drama ensues. Give her space and IF she doesn't contact you, consider her a former friend and move on. Even if you miss her.
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