A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've recently began a self-improvement kick, beginning to exercise, be more social, exude confidence. I'm getting female attention for the first time in ages. I really hit it off with a girl at a party last week, we spoke a lot and ended up holding hands/exchanging numbers/prolonged hug etc. Anyway, to me I'm sort of young and this is exciting, but whilst I'd absolutely be open to a casual FWB dynamic, I know she's not someone I'd want any sort of real commitment to. I'm due to leave the country soon too travelling and so therefore getting a gf in the next month then losing out on being single and care-free as I travel and meet new people is not appealing.And the girl in question knows this, and I've explained that I'm not into the idea of being tied down/commited right now... So why do I feel guilty about just progressing to sex, when it seems like a really logical progression for us and she seems to be keen on something happening, at least making out I guess (she seemed put out that I ended the one date we had post-party -- at her suggestion -- with me not inviting her back to mine). Since I made my position clear, if I do go ahead and bring her back to mine, am I liable to be a pretty crappy person if she ends up liking me beyond casual sex (with some good human connection in there too, a FWB as opposed to ONS) and she gets hurt cos I'm really aiming for a different sort of girl for a proper relationship/am happy being single and exploring options?I guess I really do want to have some fun together since the option is really open right now, but I don't want to risk hurting anyone. Although maybe that's just life?
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female
reader, peapod  +, writes (27 May 2013):
You are young and single getting ready to travel...have fun. If she knows what she is getting herself into don't feel bad about it. The only thing that worries me is your emotions. You put how you turned over a new leaf and became a more gorgeous person. I feel like you are letting yourself down by having your first post transformation relationship be a fwb. If you do peruse a fwb relationship consider it a life experience. Dare i say YOLO?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 It's difficult to answer you, specially to me who am always preaching on DC the theory of " buyer beware ", i.e. if a person wants more than just sex, then she/ he must never assume what she is offered is more than sex, until he / she is PROVEN that's more than sex, - proven, being TOLD otherwise does not count.
Now actually, you did not even tell her otherwise, you have been clear and open about what you can offer, - she knows what she 's gonna get and she is still interested.
So, technically, it's all cool, and ethically correct : sex between consenting adults.
And yet, I am so tempted to say : be generous. Be a real gentleman. And let this go. You are leaving in a month anyway, what's a couple encounters more or less for you, in the next future chances are that you'll have other possibilities for casual, uninvolved fun.
She says she is cool with casual sex, and she probably means it- before. Then, the good old oxytocin may kick up
( it happens soooo often ) and all the "bonding " chemicals ( released by sex in both genders but 8 TIMES MORE for women ) and she 'll " catch feelings " , or so she will think. She'll start manouvering for a LTR.., or convince herself that since you are such a good guy you can't be the type that just want to use people as a mean to his ends so you can't REALLY mean " just sex "... etc.etc. with a predictable trail of hurt feelings, arguments , animosity etc.
But that would not be my fault, you'll say, it's not my job to protect her feelings, it's hers.
And you would be absolutely right. But still... is it so
vital for you , that you have to catch this chance at all costs ? Knowing that in a month you'll be gone with plenty of time and space for fun and frolic ?...
Maybe you can afford to be " noble " , and once you have sown your wild oats during your trip ( expectations are much lower and much more realistic on a traveller / tourist and generally nobody gets hurt ) when you come home you can focus on looking for the right girl, the one you can date and bring home to mom :)... and stay out of possible emotional/ relational trouble like the one you are tempted to get into now.
Maybe. It's up to you. If you go ahead you are not a lowlife or a monster, just a guy who wants to have some fun. But.. some times it also feels good doing the right thing.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (19 May 2013):
 I don't understand why "Not having sex with her" isn't an option to you.I mean, if you want to be REALLY logical, if having intercourse with her will really cause that many emotional issues for you both, just....don't do it.Why do you think you -HAVE- to sleep with her? You don't. There isn't a rule where your temporary relationship absolutely MUST have sex in it. There is -nothing- wrong with just being affectionate and intimate with a person you like, without it changing in any way. There's no rule that says you have to ^^^k someone you've been intimate with. Sex is supposed to be healthy, comforting, affectionate and joyful, not something you're feeling pressured to do, and end up doing it joylessly.Joyless sex leads to regrets, and regrets over sex drains your ability in the future to have sex joyfully again.Don't sleep with her. You'll both be much happier and remember each other far more affectionately when you follow your heart.Do what feels right. Don't even bother entertaining "musts" and "have tos". Nothing forces your hand but you. You cannot submit to social pressures -without your own consent-.
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