A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I'm very confused about my relationship to say the least. I've been with a guy for about 2 1/2 years. We had an amazing relationship. He loved me with all his heart. And I loved him with all of mine. I gave my virginity to him last year because I was absolutely sure he was the one. He always told me how he wanted to marry me one day. HE was like no other guy I have ever dated. However, he has had a drinking problem since before I met him, and it had caused some issues. Other than the drinking, he was the man of my dreams. We have so much in common and are so alike.. It's almost unreal how compatible we are. A few days ago, we had an argument and he ended up breaking up with me. The next day, we talked in person and he told me he still loves me and wants to be with me, but can't right now, because he wants to fix his life. He said he wants to try to stop drinking and will need to start over with me. He told me he can't go on hurting me all the time anymore. He said he still wants to be with me, told me to be patient with him and wait for him while he works on improving himself. Until he gets better he says he wants to remain best friends. He told me he can't lose his best friend - he needs me in his life and doesn't want to lose me. I asked if he was just saying that because he didn't want to see me as upset but he said he meant every word. Since he broke up with me, he still calls me at least twice a day and texts me like he normally would. I should mention that we were recently in a long distance relationship as well (I am away at school and he is working back at home full time with a good job). He still tells me how much he loves me, and tells me how worried he is that I'll forget about him and move on. He still uses pet names for me.. It feels like we're not broken up. Therefore, I'm confused. So yesterday I asked what this is, because it still feels like we're together. He's made it absolutely clear that he is not interested in anyone else and is not breaking up with me to find someone else or be with someone else. I asked if it's a relationship but he just doesn't want to call it that because of the added pressure.. And he said he doesn't know. He said he doesn't know what this is but to just see where it goes. Earlier this week he told me at this rate he's just going to want to get back together....I'm just so confused. I love him so much and he tells me he feels the same way. Last night he sent me a text before he went to bed saying "I love you with all of my heart" and the other day told me that he believes that we're meant for each other... So what is this? Is he just stringing me along until he finds something better? Or does he really love me and want to be with me, but wants to fix his issues before he has a relationship with me? I just don't want to end up getting more hurt. It hurts not being in a relationship with him.. But it hurts to wait. I asked him to be straight with me and tell me if there's no hope of getting back together and he said to stay hopeful.I'm sorry about the length.. I tried to make it as short as possible without leaving out important details. Please help me. I would appreciate some answers!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): He has no right to break up with you so he can work on his issues, yet *tell* you to be patient and wait for him. He could certainly *ask* for your patience, but not *order* it. If you go along with that, he'll string you along for as long as he wants. While he is working on his issues you should be looking at your options, including dating other men. If you don't promise to wait for him it might give him more motivation to stop drinking--surely you've heard the adage that alcoholics sometimes need to hit bottom before they can kick the habit. Yes, breaking up with him hurts. But honestly, if he has drinking issues he needs to get them solved before you talk seriously about moving in together or getting married. Life with an alcoholic can be extremely destructive. Best wishes ...
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Well, to start, no matter what happens you're young enough to take either path. But I'll tell you, I just spent 15 months in the same situation. We broke it off last week. The problem is this: if a guy really truly loves & wants you, they will not have so many second thoughts. They will give you a sure direction & progression in the relationship. The whole "he can't Lise me as a friend" thing is his way to have his cake & eat it, too. Settle for second-rate commitment if you'd like. But there are guys out there who know when they've got something good and will do everything in their power to hold onto it for the long-haul. Good luck...
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