A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have had several bad experiences in the past with men, and even though i am only 18 ive already had a four year relationship with someone which ended in him cheating on me several times. my heart was broken but im moving on, yet every guy i meet messes me around. i would consider myself a good girlfriend if im honest, im willing to accept it when i go wrong even though i am always ready to put the effort in and do my best to make him happy. but ive lost all faith in men, im not sure ill ever trust anyone again as ive been hurt so much.i guess my question is, is it right to be so careful and cynical, or should i try and forget the pain of the past and carry on dating even if it means i keep getting hurt? thanks :) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much everyone!! much appreciated, thank you :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 OP, Cerberus's post already says it all, but I'll try to reinforce the concept with different words.
18 is veeery young, but not too young to get acquainted with the idea of personal responsibility , and co-creating your reality.
So, all the guys you met messed you around : does not this suggest you that you might have to make changes in YOUR way of approaching them, selecting them, treating them ?..
If I go out tonight and get mugged, .. OK shit happens. If I go out tomorrow and I get mugged again, it may be an unlucky coincidence. If I go out the day after tomorrow and get mugged AGAIN, then I know it's time to figure out what I am doing wrong. Maybe I am just going to very dangerous neighborhoods and I need to stay in safer places ,... maybe I should stop flashing eye catching jewelry ,... maybe I need to develop an assertive stance that says " nobody messes with me "... I don't know what exactly, but I MUST find out a way to minimize my risk of being mugged, or actually the perception people has of me as easily muggable, otherwise I'll have to stay locked at home every night of my life and I won't like that.
It's not really about being cynical , it's about being smart. I see from your post that you make a point of being a good gf, and make them happy ; what about instead, making a point of choosing a good bf ( basing your choice on other that lust... ) who makes YOU happy ? and give him his walking papers as soon as he shows himself unfit to do that ?...
True the world is a big bad mean place, but it is also true, as my grandma used to say " If you dress up as a sheep, the wolf is going to eat you ".
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): You're right to be careful and cautious; cynical is fine too just be careful not to cross the line into bitterness.
Here's what I see as wrong: "put the effort in and do my best to make him happy" That's all well and good OP but what about making yourself happy? If you went out with a guy who cheated on you several times and kept forgiving him and going back to him and stuff then you're not making the right decisions and thinking of what's best for you. You're giving too much of yourself and not making them give it in return. Or you could be one of those girls that doesn't know how make a guy prove himself through actions and not just sweet words.
The one major reason I find for women who get messed about is they're softies, pushovers and let far too much bad behaviour slide in a guy for any number of reasons. I know girls who let guys do horrendous crap to them because they want to believe what he says and ignore his obviously bad traits, or they think "nobodies perfect" and let small signs of his unsuitability slide, or they ignore all the bad traits he has because they love him and hope everything will work out, or they're too weak to say no to a guy for the above reason.
I will direct you to a question we got the other day from a girl who is in a situation you may well have found yourself in. Maybe some of this stuff will be familiar to you, especially how she justifies this guys treatment and her reason for letting this guy get away with so much crap:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-im-being-pressured-to-move-in.html
You see there is a massive imbalance in her relationship and she knows it, it makes her uneasy yet she can't help herself. Even when talking about that kind of stuff she's asking about the moving in thing, like that's somehow the major issue there, but as outside observers it's easy to see there are some very fundamental things wrong with their relationship. Let me ask you, does her relationship seem like one that will that lead to long term happiness for her or do you think there are some big ass red flags there that she is ignoring/passing off?
You can see by her responses afterwards that she is well aware of the problem but she still has that fear that maybe if she stands up to him that she will lose him, maybe if she lets this go he'll stay and he'll improve or put this stuff behind him. You and I know that's not the case right? We can both see she's doomed, he should never have gotten away with the first sexting thing, his excuse for it was unbelievably stupid too but love makes fools of all of us OP, it's easy to see all these things from the outside and say what's best but being in the middle of something like that is not easy as you can well understand.
The trick then is to catch these signs early and have a strict set of fundamental principles that you will not let anyone get a free pass on. If the OP in that question understood how much of a deal breaker the first episode of sexting was and acted upon that she wouldn't find herself in so deep with this guy who literally has very little to offer her and just wants his cake and eat it too. You see in her situation we can both see that maybe if he'd owned up to sexting being wrong, held up his arms, said sorry and then spent time proving to her that it was a one off, then it can be put down as a one-off mistake, albeit still a big red flag, then there may have been hope. But he didn't, he weasled his way out of it didn't he? "I didn't realize it was wrong" give me a fucking break. No one is that stupid.
What I'm trying to say OP is not to be bitter, there are plenty of good guys out there with a lot to offer and plenty that are and will be interested in you. You just have to be clinical in the beginning to weed out the poison. You should have certain things you won't back down on that are deal breakers and things you will ditch someone for. The way you should view the guys who've messed you about before, is not as assholes but as experiences, as people who have taught you to be able to see these signs, as people who have given you experience in these things and the type of experience you can act upon to protect yourself in the future. Very few people in this life are lucky enough to find their one great life partner in their very first relationship. The rest of us have to use trial and error, those of us who have been successful at it have a quite strict set of rules that we will not break. No cheating, no sexting, no physical violence, no people who are still hung up on their exes, who take but won't give, who give far too much, are too insecure, are self obsessed, or any number of other traits, qualities or behaviours that just aren't going to work for you in the long run.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Hey doll!
Being careful is fine. Cynical is like saying "im not going to give a guy the benefit of the doubt." Currently, I hate relationships. However, Im not thinking I'll never find a woman cause they are all the same... rather Im thinking about my needs instead and whats better for me mentally right now. Definitely go back and reflect on your relationships and analyze them as much as you can without emotion. Youll learn better and be able to apply things to the future more productively. Good luck.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Being careful is prudent. Being cynical is harmful for a couple of reasons. First it turns away those men you actually do want. Second, cynicism is like a scab on the skin. It announces to others that there is an injury and vulnerability below and that is something the unscrupulous will seek to exploit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): I know exactly how you feel, I've been in and still kind of am in the same situation.
There's nothing wrong with being careful and keeping your heart safe, I encourage that.
But I wouldn't become cynical, after all you're only 18!
Dating is hard and it isnt all Disney 'happy ever after' or RomCom where everything works out in the end, and it may feel like you won't get you're happy ending, but you're still young and have lots of time to have fun and meet exciting people.
As hard as it may be, try not to feel that these few bad experiences are what to expect for the rest of your romantic life. These guys just weren't right for you, the guy who will appreciate everything you are and do is still looking for you.
Learn from the relationships you've had in the past. Not every person who comes into your life is meant to stay there, maybe they were only supposed to teach you something you would need to grow and be ready for the future.
Now if only I could listen to my own advice! ha!
Good luck :)
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