A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My problems with my 25 year old step-daughter have once again reared their ugly head. She moved in with us about a year ago and it was very difficult living with her. I wanted to sit down before she moved in and discuss, like 3 grown roommates, how we were going to live but my husband refused. Said it would all work out. Well, she never cleaned, or paid rent. In essence she acted like a child and not the grown woman she is. Due to an accident she moved out to live with her mom for 3 months. Happily she is fully recovered now and wants to move back home.I even asked her to go out with me alone to get to know her better and she refused. I am reticent to have her live with us again unless chores are divvied up and rules are put in place. Like, don't come home drunk at 2 am and slam the door, waking up everyone in the house. Rinse your dishes etc. She took her Father aside the other day and told him that she senses that I don't want her here. He told her I don't. He did not back me up. He didn't explain that my feelings were due to her drinking and lack of cleanliness. No he threw me under the bus.Well honestly, I don't think a 25 year old should live with their parents unless there is a real reason to, like finances, or they are a single mom, or have no other resources, want to return to college, are ill etc. So I am not completely against the idea of her living here but even my own children don't live with us. I am fine with her living here if we have a grownup discussion about everyones responsibilities. It is her childhood home after all. One of her requests was that I shut up or leave when she wants to have a private discussion with her dad. How rude is that? When I come home I want to be able to live in my house. How about if you want a private conversation you two go somewhere private?And if you dislike me so much why do you want to live with me anyway?So my problem is my husband says I must convince her to move back. Or he is divorcing me! I am to get "excited" about her living here or I am out. I asked him if he would be excited about my grown sons coming to live with us and he said no! This is not their home. I am very upset. I feel like I am being blackmailed.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 June 2013):
I'm his daughter's age and her behavior horrifies me. I also live at home, but with me it's the other way around; I'm there to help take care of my illl mom and support my autistic brother. Anyway, she sounds like a petulant child rather than a grown adult. It's not strange she ended up this way if her father indulges her like that and is at her side whether she deserves it or not. I too would call his bluff. YouWish has very good advice.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I agree with the others.
His daughter is an adult who should be supporting herself. He's doing her a grave disservice at least not expecting her to help respect and maintain the house. His striking out at the productive member of the house (aka YOU) is just foolish and stupid of him to do.
You need to call his bluff, and you need to do it through a lawyer. You should file for spousal support. Tell him that you're under neither a moral obligation nor a financial obligation to allow an adult child back into the house who isn't either disabled or in real financial trouble with nowhere to go. She's living with her mom -- so she has options. Expecting someone else moving in to pull their own weight is not only reasonable, it's the mark of an adult to WANT to do that.
Trust me on this, if it does get to the point where you've had enough and leave your husband and file for appropriate support, you will definitely have the better life. Right now you take care of your husband. He takes it for granted. Wait until you're gone...is he then going to cook, clean, laundry for his daughter? What makes her ready to do these things when she wouldn't before? Something tells me he'd crawl back to you in an instant begging forgiveness for the worst mistake of his life.
Stand your ground here. He needs you more than you need him.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I am a mother of two small children and to me, my children always come first.
But this is just ridiculous. She is 25 years old going on 16. Her dad sounds absolutely ridiculous to be giving into her demands and you have to as well or he is going to divorce you?
I would call his bluff. Find a divorce attorney and I would tell him that if he values her living there, coming in drunk at all hours, not paying rent or having any respect for anyone else is the house, then you'll be happy to move out.
He is really doing her a dis service in not allowing her to grow up and be independent. To be perfectly blunt, they deserve each other. It doesn't sound like your husband can see any rationale or reason. I am completely astounded.
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A
female
reader, Ms.B2U +, writes (5 June 2013):
How dare your husband in the end of this say that to you !!! You are COMPLETLY right in your writing from everything I have read. You being WAY nicer than I would be. No one can tell you what to do in RL or on line. I can tell ya what I would do.....If I had tried & tried like all your descriptions have shown you have & my husband would have said that to me? My answer.....#1 darling husband, I have bent over backwards & asked you to sit down & talk & be involved & you refused. #2 darling husband FYI you are doing your 25 year old daughter no favors by enabling her to avoid the NORMAL responsabilities of a midtwenties adult that society expects & she will be lacking in much needed self supportative skill & experiances if & when she marries & those negative traits could possibly keep her in a marriage that is unfulfilling, unsatisifing & or worse abusive because she won't have the skills necessary to stand on her own two feet alone much less with children. #3 darling husband it is not my responsibility to get your 25 year old daughter to live anywhere most especially HERE after these goings ons with such disrespect shown to me, my household & my opinions by her & YOU. #4 if you can level a threat like this toward me, I need to do some serious reorganization of my selfprotecting boundry codes after all of this drama caused by your 5 year away from being 30 year old daughter & the continual drama by your inaction, nonparticipation & refusal to act like a responsaible father, husband & head of household. Are you a man or a mouse? #5 how dare you level such an ultimanium at me do this or I will divorce you? what will be the next issue you threaten me with divorce be over? and then the next & the next.......#6 it is time for this insanity in my life to be over with. Enough is enough. FYI a flip of the script....This highly charged emotional ending to me being disrespected in this household could have been avoided had you manned up & informed your 1/2 grown ass daughter to be respectful of the house rules & show some appreciation to how blessed she has been. I have not asked for much other than some common respect & to be treated in a manner that you would treat a person you respected with. Instead of informing her of the house rules & encouraging her to sit & have a family meeting with us, you feed the fire by telling her I don't want her here, did not have my back-AFTER ALL OF THIS I HAVE HAD YOURS-and you throw me under the bus? How exactly at this point did you think this would work out or end? You either respect me as your intimate partner & your wife or you don't, no matter what life situation comes our way. *SO*- you inform your 25 year old grown ass daughter she is to move out on her own & figure out a way to apologize to me for ALL of this in a way that leads me to believe, feel & know it is sincere & from your heart, you can think about the many ways while you are sleeping on the couch. I demand my home back & I demand you to act like & be a proper husband. I'll accept nothing less. *IF* for some reason this is not acceptable to you & or you have some sort of issue with my request, save the questions, file for your damn divorcee & I'll see you in court!!!! You either want to be my husband & you want me to be your wife in times or good or bad, for better or worse, in sickness, in health or you don't. The decision you make in regards to my specific request of get her ass gone & apologize in the proper way for ALL of this will let me know EXACTLY how you feel & what you want. You want to talk about leveling such an insulting threat & ultimanium toward me your wife & disrespect the bonds of our union with such a callous disregard for my effort in this situation with YOUR DAUGHTER & a stronger callous hurtful disregard for my feelings & love in regards toward you, this house & our marriage, so be it my darling husband. Such a disrespecting blow deserves a blow back response & you just got it. You reep what you sow buddy. You have 48 hours to give me your response..............DO IT girl, if you don't you'll be living in hell because he isn't strong enough to be a proper head of household. If he wants the position of head of household & the PRIVILAGE of being your intimate partner, the PRIVILAGE of your loyalty & the PRIVALIGE of you being his WIFE-he has to respect the house & you & yall's marriage. END OF STORY !!! If you don't have him doing that, you don't have crap. No matter what the situations in life between two people in a union of marriage, those are basic deal breakers IMO. Where I come from a marriage is to enhance a woman's & mans life not tare it apart. I did not read any special exceptions he or she should receive in your post for some sort of special circumstances. I read you have went above & beyond acceptable social norms to try to find a way to deal with this & include you three in your efforts & they have not appreciated your sacrificing work & effort. Time to play hardball IMO. If you & he have the financial means, when I informed him of EXACTLY what I thought of his callous threat against yall's marriage for such reasons having nothing to do with yall's union, personal relationship or the intimate time you give one another I'd have my suitecase in the car already, my reservations made, my spa & hair & nail appointments made, my spending money in my purse & the gas tank full. 48 hours of peace & pampering that you justly deserve-take it, give it to yourself, if you don't no one else will. No worrying & talking with friends over coffee, no more talks with friends about what to do & why won't he deal with the daughter, bla...bla...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!! Jeeze....escape for a few hours & recharge. I'm 47 years old & by the way I am single. My oldest graduates HS this Saturday. Between his father & my marriages & step-kids & in-laws, bla...bla...bla...All my effort at keeping the peace, working to sustain healthy family units & the likes that go with such issues a women in these positions finds herself in, I was always banging my head against a brick wall because one of the idiots in the given situations would not coreporate & or act within the realms of common sense & make decesions & choices for the best of the greater good-the family unit. I also too took on many of the responsabilities that were my husbands at the time, I just wasn't raised with the knowledge that it was okay for me to demand & expect he/them to man up!!! I was always the caregiver, the dooer, the attempted fix em all up & make everything right or as right as it can be. Well guess what I learned? A woman, mom, wife, step-mom, daughter-in-law, etc...can't do it ALL & we can't do it by ourselves!! I don't miss it at all. Between the ex wives, the kids, MIL's, bla...bla...always just trouble making & BS because my husbands wouldn't get off their asses & have some backbone to DEAL with HIS issues, HIS ex wives, HIS kids drama, HIS mother.......They sure didn't seem to have a problem pushing that weight & backbone around with or in reference to me. I don't miss any of it at all !! I can be happy, unhappy, drama filled, peaceful whatever I choose to be single. With them it was their issues & mood & drama forced on me & into my life & as best I could to make things right & solve issues, just a no go. Want to know why? because it wasn't my place to do or deal with some of the issues, it was theirs. A carpet mat & unappreciated most of the time I was. If my ex-husbands wanted such in a partner they should have hired a maid, nanny & or personal assistant, not remarry & take a new wife. They sure didn't mention what I would experience as being their wife to me during the courting phase. They kinda left that part out!! Gee...wonder why! Duh!! I have been learning about my ownership in all of these life happenings & to take on someone elses responsabilities & try to be Mrs. Fix it all & to give of thyself more than give back to & sacrifice my needs, ideas, thoughts, wants, etc....in my marriages was doing no one, my exes or myself any favors. It does not work that way in healthy family units. Not my fault I didn't know, we didn't grow up with the information about interpersonal interaction in relationships. Given your age you should get the jest of what I am saying. What you have described is unmiggated hell & instead of walking off you tried & tried & tried. It is a no go because the other two people involved given their ages are not acting properly, doing right, making good decesions & they damn sure aren't showing you ANY respect what so ever. Your household isn't dealing with some teen issue that is expected as a quote norm in relation to dealing with teens or kids. You got a whole nother ballgame going on & it is because a 1/2 ass grown 25 year female won't get off her ass & act as she should act or respect herself or your household. Chances are she don't respect, like she SHOULD her Daddy either. What is his problem? Guilt for some reason in the past before you even knew him. Lack of skills with communication? Is he an ole school misogynist with rigid beliefs about marriage & the roles in society that men & women have? That answer to that last question if yes may very well be to your benefit in a way sorta. Leave his ass alone there to live with her without you cooking, cleaning up after her & let him get a good taste of putting up with her BS that he hasn't had to deal with cuz you have been his buffer & you have been having to put up with it. Let him see up close & personal what it is like to deal with her. He'll be begging you to return, especially if he is aware of the fact that you are doing fine & dandy on your own. Hell he's pushed ya to the breaking point so far, ya might not WANT to come back. Your not some dish rag in the kitchen sink or some hammer laying around in the shed, both of which only picked up when a necessary job is at hand they are needed to do. You are his WIFE, a lady, the female that has offered him intimate comfort. Pull a 380 on his old ass & make him a believer or don't. These just my opinions, I don't know your strengths or self-esteem levels. You sound worn thin enough to break at any moment. That is not good or healthy. And I can tell ya with ya mentioning that 25 year old & the drinking & the 2am info, that issue don't just go away on its own or just up & disappear. Sounds like your gonna have to make that old man a believer one way or another to me. It is my experience & given what I have learned when you surprise them after they so use to you being the quote traditional lady of the house while they just keep rolling & taking & taking never giving or appreciating your effort or acknowledging or respecting your feelings when you pull a reverse on em, those men wake up & say whoa there. They get use to us being the traditional stand by our man no matter what he can dish out type Mrs. Fix its. Some things we can't fix & isn't our place to do so. 25 year old, drinking, 2am drunks, slob, disrespectful, conniving playing the dad against the step-mom, freeloader disrespectful daughter is one of the things you can't fix & he can't either, he just too uneducated to know it & is all the more adding to the girls problems by enabling her to continue with said behavior. What he gonna do when she gets DWI, wrecks, god forbid kill someone or get knocked up with a kid on the way? The fancy 2 nights in a hotel, room service & the spa, hair & nail appointments are looking real good about now aren't they? Think about what he'll be stuck with while you being pampered?...LOL. Easier said than done, but I am telling ya once you as a women decide to take that first step toward not putting up with a man acting like this & disrespecting you in such a manner, informing him that there is a little bit more to you than he has failed to realize, see or give credit to & he might want to give pause to how he has been acting in yall's marriage or ELSE? Life gets sweeter by the day. Might not be a cakewalk, but it will be better than what you have described living in for sure. Make her move back in or he wants a divorce! Oh, lordy miss mollie, who the hell do he think he is? More importantly who do he think you are if he thinks he can say such BS to you & get away with it? SURPRISE him & let him know he didn't know you as well as he thought he did, let him know how badly he totally screwed up by disrespecting you like that. Old fool, must be out of his mind !! The way I see it lady, what do you have to loose by pulling a surprise 380 on the ole man & taking a spa holiday. I'm a little younger than you & the kids have worn me out. We just grew up in a time where you didn't tell kids no if you thought they were in NEED-need being the key word there. Many times you have to tell them no as hard as it is for their own good. Your step-daughter sounds like she needs to be told no, double no & no, no, no again & it is just going to be all the more harder now for her to grasp it given her age. 12 step program & a life-plan coach with a counselor would work wonders as well from what I have read. Best of luck. Take care & stay strong. If you aren't for you in this situation, no one will be sounds like to me. And YES it is more than okay for you to demand & expect that some if not many things can be & should be about YOU !! Tell your ole man I said welcome to the year 2013 !! Tell him I said his daughter needs a good strong role model & a proper father figure, not a pay for everything older male roommate enabling bad behavior friend. Sounds like she hangs with those types til 2am.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): I agree with the other responses. Contact a lawyer, don't stay with a man who treats you that way. If she was under 18, I'd see his point of view, but no way at her age. You could be stuck with her forever.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I agree with the others who have responded so far, YOU see a divorce lawyer and divorce him. His ultimatum for you to accept this adult into your house and take a back seat to her is out of line.
I don't understand all the legalities of the US but if you can claim a share of the house, and anything else, then go for it.
The man is no husband, no partner and certainly does not deserve a wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): You are right and they are 'Both' wrong, infact it is so childish of the father to react with these threats. I would not wish to be with a man like this so would take his threat to a real stage and tell him to live with his grownup daughter and clean up after her aswell ( It is utterly ridiculous 25 years old and still at home with pa pa-and causing trouble between you both).Most definately would not even try to make this one right, it won't work and can only get worse over time. Life is too short to live like this and relationships are not about threats of seperation (when quite frankly he should be encouraging his daughter to be independant).You tried the right approach and he obviously takes no care about your happiness...get rid and find a real man who lets his children grow up and fly the nest and treat other people with respect.Divorce him and THANK his daughter for bringing to light this side of his true character, life is too short to be treated like a doormat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): I am 24 and recently moved back in with my parents due to not being able to afford living on my own at the moment but I work full time pay rent to them and if I'm out late I'm quiet as a mouse coming in..It's very disrespectful to wake people in the middle of the night! Your husband is doing his daughter no good, she will never grow up, never be an independent woman and will be a brat for as long as he lets he be!! You are his wife, you two should be a unit and he should be standing by your side! If he wants to threaten a divorce then let him, get a lawyer and show him you will not be treated that way! Him and his brat can live together, it sounds like that's what she wants her daddy all to herself!
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 i absolutely agree with you. An adult "child" should definitely pay rent and help around the house, respect rules and do his/her best to contribute to a harmonious environment. I had an accident a few years ago which resulted in multiple fractures and had to move back in with my mum and her partner, who had just moved in. It was temporary (8 months) but the house is small and it was intense. However, before I even moved in, we decided that I should pay rent and contribute to the cost of food and bills (a symbolic amount, as I couldn't work because of the accident) and that as soon as I recovered I would do my share of housework. I agreed to all of this because I was THANKFUL that my mother and her boyfriend were letting me stay in THEIR house. I paid, I helped, as soon as I was off crutches I was doing more than my share of the housework to give them both a bit of a break, and when I was back on my feet in every sense of the expression I moved out. I'm not trying to sound all holier than thou, and I'm pretty sure this is how most people I know would act if they were to move back in with their parents. Your husband is showing you his true colours, and they're not pretty. He is unsupportive, doesn't see the two of you as a team, uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants, and values his daughter (who sounds childish, spoilt, uncouth and unreasonable) over you. That doesn't sound like a very good husband to me. What is he like in general? Does HE help around the house? She's learned her behaviour from somewhere. Usually when people are like that, their parents are either lazy themselves or they do everything for the children and never teach them to look after the space they live in and share pull their weight, making the children nightmares to live with. I have lived with total slobs and it was awful because they just do not care. So your husband says he'll divorce you over this? Does that mean that your relationship on the whole is not very good? I don't think someone who was happily married would say something like that. If you are not happy with him either, and if your stepdaughter moving back looks imminent, then why not get out of this marriage first. Divorce him before he has a chance to divorce you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
 I think So Very Confused has given you excellent advice.
The key line to me in your post is this one: "He did not back me up." Even if he disagrees with you about how to deal with his daughter, he should at the very least, be partnered with you as his wife.
I would definitely go see a really good divorce attorney ASAP. He's given his wife less than a month's notice to move out? Even a landlord has to provide more than that.
Instead of getting upset, go get schooled on how to protect yourself, today!
Moving out of the marital home would alter the divorce proceedings, so do not budge from this home or do anything until you have a legal strategy in place.
Then, when you are dealing with him from a position of knowledge, then you can decide what steps you need to take next.
He can only blackmail you if you allow it. Go get smart, woman!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2013):
 If your husband values his grown daughter's desires over your request which to me seems reasonable and rationale I'd say that no matter what happens you are going to suffer in this situation.
I would contact a good divorce attorney and get everything in place to protect yourself and I'd "call his bluff"
The truth to me is that if he accepts your offer to move and divorce him, he really does value a child over a wife and with a 25 yr old who is NOT disabled, that's not right.
I have two grown children. I have a husband who is not their father. My older child is disabled and therefore we deal with him differently than we do my other child, but trust me if my kids were to want to live with us, they would have rules, they would have regulations, rent, chores etc... and they better either be working full time or in school and working part time or they are not welcome.
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