A
male
age
30-35,
*nickx
writes:I know this looks long but the question is short. 2/3 of it is just part of the argument we had that id like you guys to weigh in on.This is kinda a follow-up to my earlier question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-keep-her-from-blocking-me.htmlso thats kind of all the background if you want it.Since then, its been 2 weeks and we've been off and on. We probably argue once a week, today was def the worst. As im typing this we're still back and forth, and im not sure what to do.-------------------------------I think shes just craving attention at this point.and at this point i feel like im just being usedShes complains to me theres too much drama and thats the only reason she doesnt want to date me, yet she's causing her own drama. im not goign to lie, the attention was great at first, now its like please everyone just get out of my business.Several times tonight ive told her, listen im not upset if you just want to be friends, your a great friend and ill keep on talking to you and well see how things go, but after homecoming im sorry i cant wait around im going to start looking again, and if you want to date me great. I have no problems with it. But if not then its no big dealAt the same time... all of this attention has gotten other girls to notice me, one in particular that i eat lunch with daily. She is very similar in appearance (altho the girl im going with as of now is slightly better looking) and has an almost identical personality, except she seems to pay more attention to me and is def into me more.i feel bad because even tho im not dating the first girl, i dont want to hurt her in any way, yet she hasnt shown much interest in me so should i not care?I kinda do plan on dating the second girl after homecoming, if me and the first dont work out. but i dont want to lead either one of them on...sucky situation and so much drama (and i hate drama, not to mention am not used to it)... idk... tell me what you think please, all opinions appreciated.--------some of the argument--------Ok. Cuz [her friend] like making me feel like s*** saying your hurt by me. Like im not ignoring you nor do i like anyone else. Just like idk you make me feel like everythings my fault.**I havent done anything to make her feel like that, that looks to me like shes just trying to guilt me.----Omg all we f***ing do is argue. Like apparently you dont like me so i dont have to care? Idk its annoying and were friends im sick of fighting.**Even tho ive told her tonight i dont want to argue anymore... she continues. And again, trying to guilt me cuz she knows i do care.----Idk it seems like theres always drama. And after that last text it seems like i was a back up for homecoming since im "alright"**Again, creating her own drama. that was after i said:...Cuz i never really was set on dating you. I would date you but im not going to put all my time and effort into a girl who isnt going to ever give me a definitive yes or no. Your alright. your fun to be with and fun to talk to. Not to mention your good looking which always helps... so i guess the only suestion is you dont like me? and dont worry about hurting me.----S***. Ha ill remember that. Why even go if your just gonna pretend i dont exist after?**After i told her after homecoming im gonna start looking again cuz i am ready for a relationship. Although to her credit i did word it wierdly, that could have made it sound like i didnt want to see her after.----Yea umm i think you really do cuz right now im just p***ed off everyone made me out to be the bad person and you dont even give a s***.**After i said sorry, thats not what i meant, i worded bad and need to choose my words more carefully.----i do give a f***. I do care i was happy i was going to homecoming as a friend but right now idk. Im done arguing with you. Thanks for [2 guys she asked me to stop making sexual refernces to her]**after: no thats not what i meant and im not sure who making you look to be the bad guy cuz ive never heard anyone say that. and yeah i do give a s***. If i didnt give a s*** i wouldnt have said anything to [first guy] or [second guy] for that matter who couldve gone off on me in an instant. but no i tried to do everything and prove that i do give a f*** about you. But it seems like you dont even care about what i do for you? like im sorry im sounding harsh right now but idk what else to say. Im trying to be completely honest.**And again after i try to appease her and stop but she continues.----thats all it seems we do so im really p***ed now as of now i dont exactly wana go to homecoming with you cuz i dont think youd appreciate my company.----You kinda made me feel like s***. like i know you care about me but just the way you explained it kinda sucked.**haha i love this one. I made her feel like crap?So as of now, we made up and are still going but idk is it worth it?Thanks, Nick
View related questions:
notice me, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 :-)...such is life xxx
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (9 November 2009):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sorry i havent been on here in a while.
Point blank, the situation probably got out of hand. Girl A who i was going to homecoming with ended up seeing a 24 yr old guy behind my back. we're both 16. great. So i broke it off with her 2 days before homecoming. She wasnt happy, that i did it, my dad wasn't happy seeing as how he spent close to $100 on us, but there was no way i would go with her after i found that out.
Girl B. We spent some time together (infact i spent homecoming at her house instead), dated for a very brief time and decided we weren't right for each other.
So thats where i stand now. Single, but i def got a lot out of the whole thing and learned a lot. Thanks for all your help and support.
Nick =)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Hi
Hey, I like the way you responded. Very admirable!!! ANd from the way you responded, I can conclude a few things...
First, that you are a very sensitive person and you genuinely care about people (can tell by the way you made it a point of individually addressing each of us 'aunts')!!! So, this thing must be disturbing you a lot, given your sensitive nature! I can tell you this... the girl that you have such feelings for is quite unaware of this. Also, she is so wrapped up in her issues that she has little time to see the kind of pain she is causing you and also, the kind of person you are. Basically, she is not appreciating you, at the moment. However, there are many who do!!
Also, like Aunty Em said, this lady is counting on your feelings for her and creating all that drama because she has taken it for granted that you will come back to her and shower her with this attention. Now, she must know that there is a limit to everything and that you will allow her to take only so much advantage of you. SO, try to ignore her (i understand that you cannot completely stay away). Whenever you are in a crowd, make it a point of treating her like a simple friend, or a casual acquaintance! Don't REACT. No matter what she says or does or how much she screams or cries for attention. JUST DON'T REACT.
When she is a little sane, perhaps she will realize that you have had enough. At least she will miss you and be ready to truly listen to you!!! In fact I think that you should tell her that the two of you need to talk, but you won't do it until she acts a bit more mature.
This might take at least three weeks. When she is ready, just have that chat.
Look, write now, she thinks that she can get away with anything... and you tolerating that only gives her the encouragement to act more brazenly. That should be unacceptable to any man. I mean, hey, every couple has problems but the key is to work it out. Besides, the lady in question needs to grow up a little. So, until she is willing to work it out... (and not scream it out), just take a break and live your life.
Also, until you are absolutely sure that you are ready to move on, don't start anything with any other girl. I mean, you can ask someone out, just as friends too, right? I'm suer you don't want anymore drama in your life, right?
Just think how messy it will be when two girls are fighting over for you!!!! (I shudder to even think of it!!)
SO, hopefully the situation improves!! ANd, yeah, not being outright bold has nothing to do with being weak... you can totally resist the efforts of anyone without retaliating, like Mahatma Gandhi (if you don't know him, I suggest that you look him up)!!! all you need is the will power!!
I'm sure you will be able to handle the situation well
Best of luck and keep us posted
:)
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 October 2009):
You seem like a very caring and sensible young man who isn't afraid to step up to the plate. I hope you sort things out...you deserve a good outcome.
best wishes
Aunty Em x a.k.a Angie
...............................
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (7 October 2009):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty Em...
Thanks ive been a fan of your advise for a while.
Um yeah. Me even thinking about more than 1 girl at a time is unusual for me. This is all kinda new to me... For so many girls to take notice is kinda new. Its been over a year since ive been in a relationship. But no doubt this girl has changed me even ever so slightly, so im just treating her the exact same way as me... yeah, she has hung out with other guys since, not often, and does tell me who she thinks is cute.
The other thing, is if she is playing me, i want to keep my options open. I feel bad, but idk.
To clear things up. We are not dating, but going to the dance as just friends, yet she acts like we are dating so i never know how to treat her. Do i treat her like a girlfriend or just a friend?
We are both 16, both juniors, so that should clear up the age question...
As far as relationships go, ive been in one, shes been in god-knows-how-many. So she knows what shes doing and idk i think it would be fairly easy to manipulate me if she wanted to.
I like that last bit of advice and i was thinking thats the direction i should take.
Thanks big help =)
Clairss...
Sorry, next time ill try to be more direct, its just throughout this whole thing ive been so confused... I think i just wanted opinions on what direction i should go in.
Um yeah. id say im into her. but the only way i want to date her is if we can try to fix all these problems we are having.
It is quite impossible to stay away from her. We have many of our classes together, will be going to the dance with her as of this time, not to mention we have a similar circle of friends where its inevitable i will see her atleast once a month outside of school.
Um reflecting on this, this all does look kinda childish. ive just never had to deal with this, dont wanna hurt her, dont wanna get strung on by her, dont know what to do. Plus i have a tendency to be fairly submissive, so im kinda afraid of falling prey to this whole thing.
Ill keep you guys posted =) Thank you
Anon...
I dont make it a habit to swear, but... again, when she started i didnt want to look submissive and just sit back, pretty much i guess what ran through my head was that i had to atleast make some kind of stand.
I dont only text her. But we talk constantly. Usually for 1-2hrs in school during study halls and such, and then i sometimes call her outside of school, but other than that, we usually text from the moment school lets out to the moment one of us falls asleep. Not to mention she always texts me early in the morn before school. And we spend ~12 hours together on the weekends.
I know i probably sounded harsh here, but i assure you i am a pretty decent and warm person =)
Thanks ive taken your advice, told her by homecoming, shes going to have to make a decision, after homecoming, im not going to sit around and wait forever. Homecoming by the way is the 17th of this month.
All of your responses were greatly appreciated. Thanks =)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Gosh she knows you like her why don't you do a nice long email, not instant messaging saying that you like her and give her a time limit, because your heart can't take it anymore BUT PLEASE get someone sane to check it, who can block out all your swearing and make it sound decent and warm.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi
Okay, I did not understand a big part of your question, next time try to be a bit clear.
Now, for your issues, I see two major points: the first is that you are definitely into the girl who is causing you all these problems and you want to go on dating her but you want the relationship to be normal and healthy, right?
The next major issue I see is that this particular girl who is causing you all this pain has no idea about what she wants.
My advice to you is very simple: break up with her. Date others and really just stay away from each other. If the first girl really has feelings for you then she will come back and hopefully will treat you a bit better. Next, this will stop you guys from getting into this habit of arguing all the time.
SO, go ahead, move on. Take a break from each other. IF this girl accuses you of not caring then just tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you do care about her but you are sick of all this drama, That relationships are supposed to be healthy and loving and that you want to have one that is healthy. For now, it is best that you guys part ways and maybe when you both are slightly mature and emotionally healthier, then maybe you guys might start dating again. For now, best to take a break.
Tell us how it goes
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 October 2009):
I think she still has feelings for you and thats why shes creating so much drama and guilt for you. She knows your a caring person to an extent and she is playing on it to gain attention. It's a sad thing and she probably is really hurt deep down, but for some girls...well they become a little obsessed and it results in this kind of behaviour.
Sometimes there is no solution but to say sorry and walk away. Every emotion and pain caused or stirred up when a relationship ends can be healed or fixed. Some people carry residual feelings for years over people they felt a bond with. Age is irrelevant from 15-90, the pain of separation and unrequieted love is the same.
You also seem to be stirring up a whole lot of misery for yourself, dating one girl and having your eye on another. It's a human thing but try to consider how those girls will feel if they really get to like you and you dump them for yet another girl. Lord you could have a whole bunch of them stacked up and banging on your door about how unfair it all is!!!
Try to focus on one person at a time, don't get too involved too soon and just try to get to know the girl before deciding to date her or get serious. Not sure what age you are but I am guessing your a young man. As time goes on you will learn more about the complexities of relationships and it will help you to make better decisions about who you truly want to be with.
The first girl...well just say your very sorry and then cut the ties. That way she can heal and move on.
Best of Luck
Aunty Em xxx
...............................
|
