A
female
age
30-35,
*aylurtack
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been dating for going on three years now. To most that doesn't seem like a long time but we're young, and this was both of ours first relationship. When we got together, we really hit it off, as most couples do when entering a new relationship, I guess. Everything seemed so perfect, and we had this automatic click. I didn't have a good home life, and had started going down the drain, and he sort of saved me from it. He was always there when I needed him, and I really felt that he wanted more than just sex from me. Also my relationship before him, was HORRIBLE, lets just say my ex is crazy, pocessive, and STILL won't leave me alone. In fact my boyfriend has been in so many fights because this lunatic won't leave him alone. Anyways, we started spending more and more time together, really becoming priorities in each others lives, etc. Around 5 months into the relationship we were blessed with a little surprise...I was pregnant! But he was completely confident we could handle this, and we decided to keep the baby. We both shed tears, and everyone around us kept telling us other routes to choose, but we decided it was our responsibility. His family was super excited, because his mom loves babies. As I started to get bigger, he started to drift away. I noticed I wasn't getting the "attention" like I used too, and he wasn't as nice as he once was. But what really hurt the most was finding out he had been talking to other girls while we were together. I found out when I was joking around looking through his text one day, and saw he was talking to some girl. I confronted him about it then, but I don't exactly remember his response, I believe was so upset I was "snooping", that it got turned around on me. As time went on, I began "snooping" more and more, and finding more and more out. I can't recall at this time every single girl and every single situation, but I do remember one time, I pretend to be a girl and talked him into meeting me in a town outside of ours. This was all through email and instant messaging. And he went a way for a while, then when he came back I told him it was me. He denies going there but I believe he really did. Anyways, everything I've found was over the internet, never in person and none of the messages ever seemed like he met these girls. After our baby girl was born, things got a little better, then sure enough he started becoming the same. Most of the time I never even confronted him about it, in fear that I was "snooping", but he always swore up and down he wasn't doing it. Anyways, around fall of last year, he moved in with his friend and his friends new wife, because they carpooled to their jobs and his car wasn't working. So we rarely saw each other for about 2 to 3 months. This put a major stress on our relationship, and it wasn't like we were even together. I was the one watching our child, and he was NEVER there. And the whole time all I could think about was who he was talking too, and what he was doing. It stressed me out to the max, and I ended up turning to my EX, for comfort. I have no idea why it was him I turned to comfort for, but I did. I, of course tried too hide it. And when he found out it really hurt him. But in my mind we were through. He called nonstop, left messages, literally did everything to get me back. After the holidays, and the new year, we decided to get back together. Things were not the same at all. There was this constant tension between us, so we broke up around March. And found other people. I found another guy, who I know now, was just using me for sex. And he went to a girl who tried to break us up in the beginning of our relationship. She had a boyfriend so she never really committed to it, and all they did was kiss, no sex. But he did have a fun night one night, and had a one night stand with some girl he doesn't know. We stayed apart for about a month and a half, and decided to try again. I also found out when we first got together at the beginning of the year, he had gone off and kissed another girl, but this was before we broke up. It's been a few months, and things have gotten better. But I cannot shake the feeling that things are still not right. We can't trust each other. I'm constantly checking to see if he's doing wrong. And I can't live like this. I still think all the time about him kissing that other girl, and having sex with the other girl, and I cannot get over it. I don't know what to do. I love him to death, and I know he loves me too, but he can't stand to hear me talk about what he did. I know this was long, but if anyone has any advice, please let me know!
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female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (7 August 2009):
Hi there,
I think once trust is broken it's so very hard to get it back. The unfortunate thing is that the person who broke the trust may actually change and become more trustworthy yet the person who had their trust broken just can't seem to trust anymore.
It's so very destructive having your trust broken.
I truly believe once it's gone it's gone. You may try for years to trust him again and find out 5 years later you just can't then you regret wasting 5 years of your life.
Now in saying that, I do know of people who have worked through affairs and have changed their relationship into a relationship that was better than it ever was yet in order for this to happen, both parties need to be prepared to get some therapy.
I think the longer you are with him, breaking up and getting back together, the worse it will get for you.
It's either a committment to therpay, break up and go through the pain or stay as you are.
Good luck.
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