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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife and I just separated and I can't make sense of it. We had the best relationship but a couple of years ago I got close (not sexual) with someone else, mainly lots of sexy texts/e mails and a couple of dates- when my wife was pregnant and we've never got over it. Since that time she invades my pivacy, reads my e mail, my text messages, goes in my stuff. I admit I do get text message from girls I know at work and stuff saying they love me and that I'm always there for them etc but she takes it all too literally and says I must be having an affair. Since my fling, there have been about 4 of these girls she really got mad about and asked me to stop flirting with but I don't see why I should have to change my friendships. She says she can't live like this but I'm happy with who I am. I can't stay in the marriage because she doesn't show me any love and affection and I hate making her miserable. I love her as much as I always did - she's everything to me - but she says I don't love her or respect her and that I've made her unhappy for the most part of the last 2/3 years. Is there a way we can save our marriage without me giving up my friends?
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female
reader, neverguesswho  +, writes (19 June 2008):
This hits close to home... I'm going through something simular w/ the man I love. I caught him texting his ex in a rather flirtatious way. It was a short period of time and nothing happened but I'm still haunted with the "What ifs" and I wonder... he stopped when he got caught but was it simply to spear my feelings... or b/c he really realized it was wrong... I will never know and some days that kills me. REGAINING TRUST IS HARD!!! Especially if the man disreguards it as not being a big deal.
If anything else had happened, such as dates .... there is no way I could stick around... for me and for him b/c I know that I could never ever let it go.
As for text messages now... Although they may be innocent YOU ARE INNSENSITIVE to not realize what it makes her think of and how suspision will only worsen.
If you love her and you messed up once.... BE GREATFUL that she is trying to work through things. Don't hurt her again. When trust is breached you can get back to somewhat of where you were but not if you keep picking at the scab so-to-speak.
A
female
reader, neverguesswho +, writes (19 June 2008):
This hits close to home... I'm going through something simular w/ the man I love. I caught him texting his ex in a rather flirtatious way. It was a short period of time and nothing happened but I'm still haunted with the "What ifs" and I wonder... he stopped when he got caught but was it simply to spear my feelings... or b/c he really realized it was wrong... I will never know and some days that kills me. REGAINING TRUST IS HARD!!! Especially if the man disreguards it as not being a big deal.
If anything else had happened, such as dates .... there is no way I could stick around... for me and for him b/c I know that I could never ever let it go.
As for text messages now... Although they may be innocent YOU ARE INNSENSITIVE to not realize what it makes her think of and how suspision will only worsen.
If you love her and you messed up once.... BE GREATFUL that she is trying to work through things. Don't hurt her again. When trust is breached you can get back to somewhat of where you were but not if you keep picking at the scab so-to-speak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): You know that flirty text-messaging with female friends caused you to go too far the last time around, and yet you refuse to modify this behavior. How is your wife supposed to regain her trust for you? She should not be going through your personal items, but then you aren't giving her anything to build her confidence on. Loss of trust is a serious problem in a relationship, and it is a rocky road to regaining that trust. If you were to overcome the problem you had last time, you would need to make a concerted effort to show your wife that you've learned from your mistake and that you are taking measures to not repeat it-- in this case, showing her that you can draw clear boundaries between you and your female friends. Part of this comes from figuring out what your partner is comfortable with, and respecting that. If the text messaging is traumatizing to her due to what it brought about previously, then for goodness sake, don't do it. What's more important to you-- your wife's feelings or some flirty fun with your female friends? If the answer isn't the former thing, then clearly this woman isn't a great enough priority to you. But don't go blaming her for this problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): Hey..I have just read your story and..my answer is that...just speak with your wife and explain her that you don't want to break up with your friends but you also don't want to break up with her..and if she doesn't believe you that is only a friendship then put her to meet those people to see what kind of people they are..and then she might accept it..what do you think ?
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A
male
reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (24 January 2006):
The meaning of life is to have a meaningful life. What you are doing is de-meaning and disrespectful.But what was missing from your marital life that found spice from other women? I am sorry but to be fair, I have to direct the question to the wife too? The issue isnt the other women. When one spouse takes the other for granted, then both hands make a resounding clap. The finger pointing commences. The man gets defensive. The woman gets offensive. Both are in denial. They go to the public. How many of us here have a Masters in Counselling Psychology? This is heavy duty stuff we are dealing with here. You cant cure cancer with an aspirin. Off to the qualified counsellor both of you. Pronto! You are separated. Nothing wrong with that. You both need a breather. You have breathed enough. Now go and seek inhaling lessons. Period.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2006): I had the same problem with my husband. For some reason, he just loved emailing his girl co-workers. This all started happening when our kids were 6 and 2. He always talked about "Kim" at work...she's so nice, blah, blah. I always thought it was pretty harmless. He would always check his work email while I was around and I noticed there were emails and emails from her in his inbox. I only saw a few of them ("Can we go outside and talk?"; "Ready for another cigarette break?"; Can you walk me to my car and ensure my safety?"). Makes me gag thinking about it now. That's when I started feeling funny about the whole thing. I asked him to stay away from her and stop talking to her. Well, then I got interested in his emails...I read the email he wrote to her telling her that they shouldn't talk anymore and she said "I just can't imagine not talking to you anymore". That was the last I saw for a while. I thought things were ok for a while...and then one night a few months later, her husband calls my house and wants to talk to my husband (yes, she is married too with 3 kids). He tells him to stop talking to his wife, it was causing problems. Well, of course I was furious. He told me he should have listened to me, blah, blah, blah. I'm furious now and I'm pressing him for answers...I want to know when, what and where. He swears it was nothing but a good friendship...she was having marriage problems...I said now there are 2 marriages with problems. I also found out he registered for another email account that I didn't know about. More lies. The next day he admits that the emails between the two of them contained 'inappropriate' things. I wanted to see them. He wouldn't let me. I didn't know the password for his email. I call her on the phone and confront her...she was so blase' about the whole thing. Didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I said what about your marriage and your kids...she said it wasn't any of my business! I said you just made it my business! I wanted to leave...actually I wanted him to leave but we ended up working things out (I think). Except this was all 3 years ago and I'm not totally over it. I don't think I have forgiven or forgotten. They both got new jobs and I found out that she emailed him at his new job too. He's good with computers and knows how to keep me from finding things. I just don't know if I trust him anymore or ever will. It crushed me. I feel like I need to find just one more thing that will give me the courage to just finally end the marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2006): well well well is'nt this a interesting situation we have got going on here. well first of all i have to say to the husband,you should not have been having an inappropriate relationship with anyone at any time of your relationship and your lucky your wife is still with you, second of all have you even said sorry to her to her face for what you did? and have you stopped sending text messages to other women weather there just work collogues or not? by the sounds of things you have not been making any effort whats so ever to help her re-gain the trust she lost in you and its just gotten worse and worse . until you can resolve the matter and the both of you are happy again then im doubting the relationship will last very long at all, and really leaving something like this and not resolving it what do you expect? do you think it will just resolve itself? no it wont you are the one that stuffed up and made the mistake and if you want this to work and make things rite again you need to get off your ass and stop crying about it and take responsibility for your actions, your the one that stuffed up not her , you are the one that needs to be beggin for her trust again. and of course she is inscure and going into your stuff and all that kind of stuff she is only human. and well to your question "Does anyone out there really think I would lose the woman who means the world to me for a bunch of stupid texts? " well i do , and im pretty sure your wife does not see them as stupid text ,and i bet if she asked you if you would put your phone in the trash and to delete your email accounts you would not do it.also trying to make it sound like your wife has psychological issues is not going to work, the poor women was probably doubting herself and need to hear what others though about the problem but from a different propective so she new what she was feeling is normal and ok. and you know if i was in her situation and i was that desprate to get help then id probably do the same thing. really wake up to yourself and go get some help for your marriage before its gone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): Hi,I am the guy who this question was written about. My wife wrote this question about me, probably because our marriage is breaking down, and out of desperation. I admit to having an inappropriate relationship while my wife was pregnant and I am exteremely sorry for that and for the hurt it caused my wife. There is no excuse so I'm not going to make one up.I didnt sleep with her, but I totally understand my wifes point of view and am not going to defend myself. I was a total idiot.The rest of the question is my wifes view of our marriage problems and I fear that she is taking all of your advice to heart and you guys just dont know the situation. I am sure that I could post a question and get support from you all telling me to get out of my mariage. There are many problems in our marriage and while my wife has remained loving, faithful and is the best mum to our little boy I could have ever wished for, we have just grown in different directions and the whole issue of my inappropriate relationship has never actually been resolved.Does anyone out there really think I would lose the woman who means the world to me for a bunch of stupid texts? If so then tell my why I sit at home alone every night crying myself 'not quite to sleep' every night, to get up and do it all over again. The problems run deeper and wider than that. Judge me for what you like, and tell my wife to stay away as much as you like, but beware of the dangers of advising someone who has posted a question as someone else to get their perspective. It's vey shaky psychological ground. And to my wife-often people who read these questions and reply are themselves going through a hard time. I know i let you down but you know that question is not a summary of our marriage problems. I would hate that guy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): How would you feel if your wife had a bunch of male friends sending her sexy texts and emails??
Think of the shoe being on the other foot!
How would you feel?
My advice..Stay separated! You don't deserve her!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): Look, man. Listen to everyone that has taken the time to reply and give you valuable (common sense) advice out of all the many questions that we see on this website. You're an idiot - it has to be said!!! If you don't feel any guilt at all for what you're putting your wife through, then leave her alone, cause obviously you're in another world. Your wife, the mother of your child, the woman you love deserves so much better. That's not you...oris it??? Drop those meaningless girls or "friends". Your wife is your everything, you really don't need anyone else. (I'm just so mad while writing this because I can't fathom how you don't see anything worng with having your "friends"!!)Do the right thing, man!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): yeah- you can save your marriage by putting it first. your wife wants you to stop flirting with other women, because a few years ago, when she was pregnant (possibly the most emotionaly vulnerable time of a woman's life), you developed a highly inappropriate relationship with another woman (even if you didn't ever sleep with her). are you kidding me? what the **** is wrong with you??
buy your wife a dozen roses, drop the other women (i'm sorry, but they can't be more important than your marriage - don't you know the meaning of commitment?), and start thinking about your wife's feelings more than your own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2006): I'm with the consensus here. Your wife should come well before any friends you may have. Ask your friends to cut it out--you've already seen what has happened to your marriage. If your marriage means anything to you, you'll do whatever is necessary to gain your wife's trust back.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 January 2006):
 "Is there a way we can save our marriage without me giving up my friends?" No, and you are a jerk for asking. I wish your wife the best of lawyers and the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (13 January 2006):
 I honestly can't believe that you do not see any problems with the relationships that you are forming with these women. If you were a single guy, sure that would be okay, but you are asking your wife to sit by and do nothing while you create emotional relationships with other women. If you wanted to save your marriage you would not even ask if there was a way you could keep these relationships going, you would realize how hurtful it is for a woman to read another womans messages telling her husband that she loves him. Are you really surprised that she is snooping through your email and texts? You are proving to her that she has reason to do this because you are continuing sexy talk with other women. Try putting yourself in her shoes, how would you like it if she had men telling her they loved her and sending her sexy messages? I have a feeling that would make you very upset. I say let the marriage crumble if your not going to stop these relationships, that way she can heal from the heart break you are constantly causing her, and she will have a chance to move on to someone that will respect the boundries of a marriage. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2006): I would kick my b/f's ass if we were married and he was too concerned with maintaining "friendships" and putting other people before me. You're married!! There's no rule that says you can't have friends but your wife should come first. I feel very sorry for her right now because you sound like you don't actually care about her. I mean your wife was pregnant and you're getting sexy texts from people. Thats so disrespectful. If you think that having these type of women in your life is more important than the woman you took vows for and the woman who brought your baby into the world. Seems to ne you like the attention and I'm not suprised your wife won't touch you - you probably don't even realise what you're putting her through. If you have any ounce of respect or love for your wife then these women will mean nothing to you. Get your prioritys in check and ditch your friends or at least tell them how vile it is to send sexy texts to a married man. How would you feel if you're wife recieved these kind of texts from guys? I bet you wouldn't put up with it - so why should she?
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