A
female
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anonymous
writes:Simple question... How do I win my ex back?!He's got relationship and commitment phobia (according to his own words) we've been together for almost a year and we've been apart for almost a year as well, but we've been in contact now for about 2 months and everyday we just talk more, we only talk through MSN and sometimes text messages.I'm trying to take things slow, we only talk general stuff, sometimes we get in deep conversations and he says he misses everything about me and stuff like that... I don't want to be pushy, though, I just want him back so everything would just be fine again cos I miss him so much and I can't go out of nowhere and tell him I love him still cos it might freak him out, cos he's acting like we're friends now and I bet he wants me in his life but not too close in a way he'd freak out. We're both still young he's turning 25 and I'm turning 23.So how do I make him comfortable to express his true feelings without getting phobic?thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthnx 4 takin the time to answer me back...I know it's a sad situation & it's me who stuck my self there :(
for the past year I've been tryin to move on & meet others but no luck so far...I keep missing him! we've been very close, but he's acting childish...even when we were together he'd still say he's got phobia n stuff like that from relationships but still he was with me & sayin he loves me & everything was perfect, except for the commitment part of moving to the next level...he wasnt ready, I was, so I moved away n left...but I keep thinking maybe am meant to be waiting for him till he gets better & gets ready...cos now he hasnt been with someone else after me, & I tried but stil hasnt been with someone else too, so that's why am thinking I should stick around, either he realizes am there for him & truely love him, or I'd find someone else who'd cherish me, who'd be normal I guess...
thnx again 4 ur advices :)
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 I see you'd like us to give you a hint that would do the trick of bringing him back to a relationship with you. Presently, you are walking on eggshells: you're afraid any small mistake would scare him away. This is a very difficult and sad situation for anyone to be in. I think I can relate to what you're feeling.
However, the truth is, you can't make someone love you. You can show interest, love, do things for people, et cetera, but love is a bond people create WITH you if they want to. When people do love you, it's very easy to create this bond. But, if he says he has "relationship and commitment phobia", I'm afraid your chances are very small or nil.
Sometimes people say they are "afraid of commitment", in general, but what they really mean is they don't want a commitment with you, in particular.
You're not a monster. There is no reason why he should freak out at a woman who loves him.
Your final question, how to make him comfortable to express his true feelings, makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. If "true feelings" means "love", I'd expect him to find it very easy to say that to a girl he talks every day to. I'm afraid you may be assuming that he loves you just as much as you do.
It is so sad that he is keeping you stuck in nowhere. It is very hard to cherish hopes and wait in vain. I think you should get emotionally ready for much less than what you expect, as it seems to me that you won't be getting this man. I'm afraid he might not give you the committed relationship you deserve.
Are you willing to accept less than a committed relationship?
Only you know what is best for you. But, having been there, my advice would be that you give up on this man and find someone else who will give you what you deserve. I know this is not the advice you asked, but, I think our role here is to HELP people see where they stand so they can make their own decisions. If I just give you advice on a specific point and miss the big picture, I won't be doing you a favor.
Take care, dear. You're a fine, loving person.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (16 August 2007):
That's a hard one. He might just have to sort it out himself or get therapy. This is atouchy situation and anything you do could either draw him in or push him further. All you can really do is be there for him and hope he wises up. But you also cannot wait for him forever.
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