A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are in our mid-20's and have been dating since high school. We're deeply in love but our sex live is less than perfect. I want it more often than she does, and also desire more variety in the act. She likes meat and potatoes sex once or twice a week,(or less) while I'm looking for it 5-6 times a week and with the occasional deviation from 45 minutes of foreplay and 5 minutes of missionary. Her list of "don'ts" is a lot longer than her list of "dos". We've never had a "screw your brains out" night or weekend and I can count on one hand the number of times we've done it twice in one night.Disproportionate sex drives seem to be so common that it's normal. But, my problem is compounded by the fact that I've never slept with anyone other than her. In fact, I've only made out with two other women (I'm her one and only too, but that doesn't seem to bother her).I feel like I missed out on a phase everyone else seems to go through in your teens and 20's where you date a few people, sleep with a few people, and eventually settle down. In all seriousness, I have several gay friends who have slept with more women than I have.Try this metaphor on for size:I feel like I've already chosen the chocolate bar that I'm going to eat for the rest of my life. Snickers is delicious but to have never even TRIED Mars, Mr. Big, Oh Henry....and THEN to find out that Snickers is often unavailable at the store....and you see that rack of other delicious choices that you've never tried and can never have.How do I deal with this? Do I just suffer? I don't want to devastate her with a list of complaints because I'm not sure she could change any more than I can. And, I'm not sure trying to "get some on the side" or even an open relationship is the answer, but I think about it all the time. Any ideas on how to quell my lust or ignite hers?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I can only hope I don't end up with a woman like this.
You clearly care for her but it's not enough that only one of you feels any fire.
You need to talk to HER about this. Straight out. No beating around the bush.
Just tell HER waht you just told us.
Tell her that you love her but feel like you are nothing more then a piece of the funiture that needs moving everytime you two knock boots.
Love and a good relationship is one thing. But it needs a fire underneath it to live. It needs passion. Without out that lust for the finer things about a person, how can you trully love them?
Flynn 24
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, folks.
Yes, a break is out of the question. Yes, the sex has always been like this but that's because we grew up religious and only had sex after 18 months of dating. After that it felt like a risky thing for a while(good ol' guilt). Not to mention that fact that we lived with our parents until recently.
I don't think romance is the issue. We talk all the time and hang out lots. We get along splendidly. We go on great dates all the time(out to dinner, I cook, we cook, to the theater, movies, opera, jazz clubs, see my friends, see her friends). We go on weekend trips a few times a year. The two of us really are quite thoughtful and romantic to each other.
There just doesn't seem to be any lust in her. We love each other deeply and meaningfully but I also lust after her without feeling the same from her. We connect emotionally and mentally but when I haven't seen her in a while or we've been out on a great date, I can't wait to touch her and be with her and that isn't reciprocated. Making love is great, we do it all the time, but sometimes people have purely physical desires. Why does sex always have to be a production? Why can't it be easy sometimes?
She never wants to get on top, she rarely lets me go down on her(and barely tolerates the experience), she doesn't initiate sex. She claims to have no fantasies, kinks, fetishes, or desires so there's nothing I can do to make it better for her. It takes her forever and a day to get turned on when we do have sex. She's just not that interested. She's very open in public(we visit sex shops, have been to a strip club together, candid conversations with friends) but she's really a prude in the bedroom.
She often says, "I just gave you sex yesterday/the other day/etc." as if it's a chore or something she does for me to satisfy me.
It's a lovely idea to think that all those sexual experiences I missed out on don't matter because I'm going to have a great wife. But the truth is, there's all the more reason to NOT have sex when you're married. People get bogged down with bills, work, mortgage, kids. It's not a question of great sex once or twice a week vs. five or six of mediocre. I'm afraid the sex is never going to get better, get less and less frequent until its virtually never, and eventually I'm going to meet some attractive girl and I'm going to have an affair and really fuck up me life.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 October 2008):
Well first of all you should try to work on getting her more interested in sex.
You say you've never had a steamy weekend so suggest organising one.
Also take her out for a romantic meal and a few cocktails.
Was your sex life always like this or was it better to begin with? If it has always been like this then perhaps she is perfectly happy with it this way.
Would a break be completely out of the question for you both?
Take 6 months to see if you really want to be together forever, or whether you have just got to rely on each other so much that you've stopped questioning it.
If romancing her doesn't work and there is no other way to spice things up that she will agree to, then sit her down and tell her you aren't happy. She may come up with some ideas of her own then.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Butterman  +, writes (7 October 2008):
I am going to just say this: Enjoyable sex can only be enjoyable sex when both partners are in the mood. It sounds to me like you may be a bit pushy.
And speaking from experience, you haven't missed out any anything just because you haven't bagged a lot of women. If you love your fiance, you have a LIFETIME of good sex ahead of you.
You and your fiance should be proud that you've only been with each other. Believe me, trying to love someone emotionally and sexually that has been sexually involved with others in their pasts WILL cause some tension at some point in time.
True love is more that just "screwing each others' brains out." True love consists of mutual respect. This includes respecting when your spouse doesn't feel like making love.
Women are different than men in terms of sex. Most men can get in the mood in a few seconds just by thinking about the act. Women, because of their chemical and physical makeup, are different. Respect that.
I can almost guarantee that your fiance feels pressured; that she may need to have sex with you just to prove she loves you. That's a very unfair position to put her in.
In terms of trying new things.. there is nothing wrong with that. But be prepared for your fiance to like some of the new things and dislike others. Make love your fiance. Don't just "screw" her.
And, also speaking from experience... not matter how much your fiance loves you, she still has the right to feel violated by doing things she doesn't want to do. Do to her what she likes and satisfy her. Because I guarantee she knows what you like.
Simply put, the grass is never greener on the other side and a mutually--satisfying sex life is a wonderful sex life.
Would you rather have GOOD SEX once or twice a week, or sex that is not enjoyable by your fiance 5 or 6 times?
I been down the EXACT road you're on right now. and I can honestly tell you that in the spectrum of love and marriage, sex is not what makes or breaks it. Enjoyable sex comes out of a healthy, respectful and compassionate existence with your partner. When those pistons are firing, sex will fall into place.
You'll be fine!
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