A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice.I have been with my LDR for almost a year and in the beginning he lied about a lot in efforts to make me like him. after a few weeks he told me the truth about himself and vowed never to lie again. well just this week I was asking questions and his story didnt seem legit and towards the end of the conversation i caught him in a small lie and he says he only lied to end the conversation on that particular topic because he was already kinda angry about somethings when it came to that to begin with... and he blamed me on being lonely etc ... i do have srs jealousy issues but ive been hurt so many times in my past by literally almost everyone ive ever encountered not to mention verbally physically abused and cheated on by past boyfriends... so yeah i cant handle lying then to blame me hurt a bit... so i broke it off and hes apologized tons of times and yet i keep pushing myself farther from wanting to talk bc when i think about what else he could of lied about it hurts me so bad. hes such a wonderful person who rly does cater to my needs but i dono this just reminds me of past relationships and im literally terrified of getting hurt again... i mean trust and honesty is important in a LDR ... so i guess the question is am i overreacting or do i have reason to be this upset... he promised not to lie :(
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (2 February 2012):
Hi. Perhaps it might be wiser to not ask him if something he says is the truth.
It could make him feel like he's being interrogated.
And I understand because you aren't seeing each other very often, that there is some doubt as to his faithfulness. Anyone in an LDR would probably feel the exact same way.
In any case, it's often easy to know when someone isn't quite telling you the truth. They sometimes tend to hesitate before they answer. They might not answer you directly. They might even change the subject.
And of course the very obvious lie is the one where they say one thing early in the conversation, then a few minutes later they say something that directly contradicts what they said earlier.
Perhaps you might have to play it cool, and if you hear this happening, don't say a thing. Just take it in mentally, and don't comment. Pretend like it went over your head.
You don't want to raise suspicion in him, so he then starts making up all sorts of crap to cover his last indiscretion.
It's very hard to lie. The truth comes out smoothly and without any hesitation.
When you lie, you then have to remember what you first said and you have to make up another lie to cover that one, and the next one and so on and soforth.
Lying doesn't come naturally to anyone really.
And if you are with someone - face to face - who is lying about something, they will probably avoid eye contact, or squirm in their seat when you ask a direct question that puts them on the spot. And it's so so obvious, what they are doing.
So you can go on during each phone conversation with him, quietly observing his voice and how he talks, and if he goes quiet all of a sudden - because he might just spill the beans - then he's probably trying to work out how he's going to cover his arse with yet another lie.
Honestly, it's just best to be open and honest right from the outset. Then you can't go wrong.
You probably do need to set some boundaries with him and letting him know you are not happy about his lies to you, and respectfully letting him know that you don't intend tolerating it for any length of time.
You do need to organise when you are going to see each other next, so you can begin to make some kind of plans for your future.
Once you can do this, it's going to be a whole lot easier to communicate and really discuss things in great detail.
A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 I've noticed you didn't say what he was lying about?
This is irrelevant. People can't judge you and we have to give an answer based on what you've told us.
I don't think you're being silly, any kind of lie in a relationship no matter how small, is bound to make you not trust the other person.
you need to have a serious talk and decide if he can be honest. If he carries on lying you need to bin him.
Don't let him think he can get away with lying to you.
LDR's can be hard. But despite what people say they can work out.
My partner lived 3 hours away from me for a year and a half and for that year and a half we saw each other once a month for the weekend. It sucked but if you love someone, it works. Neither of us ever cheated. We committed. To be in a LDR you HAVE to commit. which is scary, but it's tempting to find someone closer. However, you can do it. 3years on and me and my partner have a baby, live in our own flat and are brilliant. So it can be done.
and i disagree with the other answer. She is right, but the bit about the longer the absences the more difficult it is isn't technically true. what ever happened to absence makes the heart grow fonder.
To be in a LDR you NEED trust because it gets really hard at times. You get very paranoid, i've been there.
But if you both want it bad enough you'll make it work.
couples nowadays don't communicate enough, which is why LDRs break up. You need to talk. It can get boring, ranting on but you need to. You need to establish whether the good points in the relationships outweigh the bad. Sometimes men are stupid and can tell little lies in a hope of not hurting us. If it's nothing too serious give him a chance but make sure he knows if he ever lies again you will leave. sometimes tough love works. he needs to realise you wont be walked all over. Sometimes people only realise what they have when it's gone. Good luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you first off for the answer i appreciate it.
as for lying he flat out lied when i asked him the question... i asked if he was in fact doing something which i knew he was and he said no. then later i said ok swear on my life you didnt and hes like ok i did.
as for seeing each other... he lives 16 or more hours away so i have to take a plane to visit him. weve only met irl twice and for a week each time... but weve become so close and want to live together asap... i was his first but unfortunately for him ive been with two other ppl which gets to him sometimes... before him i was engaged and with my fiance for about 11yrs...
but yeah i havent seen him since the beginning/middle of dec... :( and our yr is monday!
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 February 2012):
Hi there. Trust and honesty is important in ANY relationship, not just LDRs.
Perhaps he lied by omission, by not saying something he felt could be taken out of context, so he left it out purposely.
He can obviously see you are insecure in a relationship, so he is trying not to rock the boat with you.
It may not be so much he is deliberately lying to you, but more that he is being careful with what he DOES say, so you don't feel hurt - like in past relationships.
He like you, is also trying to establish trust, which is so important.
The problem with LDRs is that unless you can actually get to see each other on a fairly regular basis, and not just talking on the telephone, you can start to grow apart from each other because you are more time on your own than you are together. And this can be a problem.
In the time you are apart you go out with your own friends, and have your own interests which further brings you into contact with other people.
So you have a whole different life that doesn't even include the LDR relationship at all. It's exactly the same for you as it is for him.
The only time you have together in any capacity, is when you speak by telephone or webcam or whatever it is.
And no matter how many hours you speak for each time, it still is nowhere near as good as actually being together in the same room - physically face to face - so you can hug and kiss each other.
How often do you actually get together?
And how great is the distance between you?
Is it a 1-2 hour drive? Or is it a couple of hours on a airplane?
The longer the absences between seeing each other, the more difficult it is to make it work smoothly.
...............................
|
