A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 6 years,on and off.he wants to have intercourse but i dont for various reasons.he said he shouldnt have to wait any longer as 6 years is a long time and he said he doesnt want to be with someone who wont have intercourse as,in his words,"it isnt a real relationship " if intercourse isnt involved.who is right,and what should i do ?.we have done some intimate things.he seems to be better at them than i am though.i do suffer from anxiety though. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 October 2011):
 Sex is a normal part of a relationship, in fact it is a healthy part of a relationship and without it you are little more than friends. You need to be intimate, to excite each other, to turn each other on, to feel sexually attracted to each other, to desire each other....that is what keeps a relationship alive, keeps it exciting. Yes you need a lot more than just sex to make a relationship work, but sex is just as important in a relationship as trust is!
So if you really want to know who is 'right' then your boyfriend is right, you should be having sex and if you are not then no, it is not normal.
What you need to do now is work out why you dont want sex and how to overcome those issues. You cant expect to have a man stay with you for the rest of his life and never have sex, and your boyfriend has expressed his desire for sex - therefore it is up to you to get over any issues you have surrounding sex and start having sex!
If you are not willing to discuss here why you dont want sex, then you really should see a doctor or therapist who will be able to work with you to overcome your problems. Whatever issues you have they can be solved, dont think that this is it for life - there are many ways of dealing with sexual issues and anxiety.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 Six years together and you are sexual except for penetration? yeah a bit odd to be honest.
IF you were not sexual at all I could accept that easier than the whole "lets be technical virgins" scenario.
You mention anxiety. I am thinking that you mentioned it because it figures in to why you can't be fully sexual with your partner.
I suggest some therapy for the anxiety.. there are treatments and medications that can help.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 For most people an adult relationship involves sex, yes, and that includes intercourse.
I don't know what sort of anxiety you have, but if you do not want intercourse with him, and he seeks a relationship with intercourse, then you and him can not be together. It's not a matter of who is right or wrong! He wants to have intercourse, and he is entitled to feel this need. You do not want to have intercourse, you are entitled to feel this way as well. But what this means is that you must end the relationship.
It isn't unfair of him to ask to have a sexual relationship at his and yours age. You are both adults, and like I said, for the main part (like 99% of the time) an adult relationship involves sex and intercourse. If you and him were teenagers it'd be a different matter, as teenage relationship often do not involve sex (although it is more common in the late teens).
If you want to wait because of religious reasons then thats a matter of its own. But it isn't. You are an adult person who wants a non-sexual relationship, or a relationship without intercourse. There will be few men out there willing to be in such a relationship. But if you do NOT want it then you do not want it, and should move on. It is not fair to expect him to give up on having the type of relationship that he wants just so you can keep the type of relationship you want.
What's fair here is that you and him break it off so he can find a girlfriend he can go all the way with, and you can find a boyfriend who doesn't want intercourse. Just be realistic: few adults want to have a relationship where there is no intercourse.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 October 2011):
It's not about who is right, but it is pretty unusual, in fact, incredably rare for a couple to be together at your ages and not have had sex for 6 years.It seems fine to you because you don't desire sex. For any person who has a sex drive, this must be hell. Your boyfriend is right, it isn't a real relationship. Not for him.Are there issues in your past for why you have these views on sex? Or is it that you just don't desire it? I think you are going to be hard pushed to find a guy who doesn't want to have regular sex. Wanting to have sex is a normal, healthy and positive activity that brings people in a relationship closer together. I'm surprised your relationship has gone this far. You both really need to work out what you both want from the future and if you are able to to continue as couple together.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 You have to ask yourself why you aren't having sex with this person. Sex is not only a pleasurable experience, it's also a way to show love. Sex can be extremely emotional and bonding. Sometimes my boyfriend and I have sex where it's just us going at it for 15 minutes and then we go to sleep or carry on with the rest of our day. Other times it's long and loving, and he expresses to me his love for me through the act of sex, and I do the same for him. I myself will not have sex with someone unless I love them and I feel chemistry with them. I definitely do look at sex as an act of love. Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoy having sex and like doing it often, but I only do it with someone I care deeply about and that I trust and love. If you're saving yourself for marriage, then by all means save yourself and don't lower your standards for anyone. But if that's not the reason you're waiting, then you really need to reflect on why you won't engage in sex with this person. If you've had a relationship with him for 6 years, then there must be something that's keeping you around him. Normally people don't stay together that long and waste their time with a person they don't love. If you love him and aren't saving yourself for marriage, then what's holding you back? Do you have any hang ups about sex? Did something happen to you where you find sex unappealing? If that's the case then the help of a therapist can improve your issue. If it's because you have low self esteem and don't want him to see you naked, you have to take into consideration that he is with you and it's been a long time, he obviously finds you attractive and wants to touch your body. It's not that much different covered with clothing...you can tell what someone's body type is when they're dressed...and if he's saying he wants to engage in sex with you then trust me, he's attracted to you in that sense. What you need to think about is why you aren't allowing yourself to have sex with him. He wants you and desires you, why aren't you desiring him back? I have also had spells of anxiety, and they never really affected my sex life. If you're a virgin, then just talk to him about your concerns and let him know that it isn't easy for you to be so open about it, and if you want to sleep with him ask him to go very slowly with you. Start small and see if you like it. Let him touch you or kiss other parts of your body. If you don't like it or get uncomfortable, then ask him to stop. Don't feel bad about asking him to stop either. It's ok, it will take time and if he truly cares about you then he will be alright with working up to it. This isn't about who is right and who is wrong. It is strange to be in a relationship with someone for so long, regardless of it being on and off, and there not being any intercourse. Sex is fun, and it can be awesome with the right person. There's nothing dirty about it, and nothing to be stressed about. It creates a bond between two people when done in a loving manner, and can help you feel closer to him in a different sense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): The fact of the matter is that fewer and fewer individuals wait until marriage to have sex. However, that does not mean nobody does--in fact, people still do wait until marriage to have sex. If waiting for any amount of time is something that you desire, he should respect that decision. As a personal note, I have been with my fiance for about 7 years now. We were only recently engaged, but we have not yet had sex either. For us, we decided we would wait until we are married in the coming summer. So, as you can see, there are people out there like you. Just stick to your convictions!
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