A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my partner of 6 years. A few years into the relationship he suggested we bought a house together (at the time he had just finished his service in the military, and I was finishing University - he had saved up a house deposit during his time in the military). Well in hindsight I wish I had suggested we marry first - but at the time I felt I was too young to marry, yet was ready to live with him. Well I'm not in any debt but have a slightly poor credit rating from when I was a student, and so I wasn't able to put my name on the mortgage. He convinced me it didn't matter, as we would marry one day anyway - so we got the mortgage in his name but treat it as though it was ours. It was a full renovation job, and we're about halfway through renovating as our savings ran out. We've sort of hit a plateau, and though I love our life together and have no need to marry straight away, I feel it's about time he proposed... but I know it won't happen anytime soon. My partner is a real 'planner' - he's extremely organised and always worries about money. However I feel I could spend another 5 years with him and be in the exact same situation, and he would be too worried about money to ever propose or finish the house so we could get a dog (all plans that seem to be put on hold). We never talk about it either - it's embarrassing for me to bring this up so I've only mentioned it a few times in the past few years - though he is definitely aware of what I want and says he wants the same thing. I actually brought this up the other night (perhaps it was bad timing as he was already in a very bad mood) - he was talking of the distant future in terms of finances, and I casually brought up children to which he was very shocked and started acting weird - the strange thing is he has brought up kids many times and even joked about names, but said he was shocked as I rarely talk about this - usually because I don't want to be pushy . I asked why he freaked out and also mentioned that I didn't even know if he wanted to marry me one day - he told me 'what do I have to tell you to convince you I'm not stringing you along - I'll tell you what, if it hasn't happened by this time next year I'll break up with you.' I of course got upset, and he told me he didn't mean any of it and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He also admitted he doesn't tell me how he feels as often as he should. He did also say he had thought about taking me ring shopping in the next couple of years but worries about money (we both work full time but we aren't rich). He says he does want the same thing and he does want to marry - but actions speak louder than words. I'm 24 now and he's 26... I'm not desperate to get married right away but would like to know we're on the same page. I guess he's quite happy with the way things are. I have a slight feeling it might even happen next year when we go on holiday - should I wait a couple more years? Sorry for rambling... thanks guys!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 November 2016):
 For your sake I hope you had the smarts to keep receipts and record of all your financial contributions towards tHIS house!?
He’s a clever cookie, leaving you off the mortgage papers under UK Law from what I read – “Lenders may consider the financial situation of a couple as a whole rather than individually.” As a borrower, he can not be connected financially, through your mortgage or joint bank account, to a person with a bad credit score. It’s no wonder he’s not hell bent on proposing marriage to you?
When you start thinking like him, a person who is business minded, has a good credit rating, always plans, and worries about money all the time, you’ll start to understand why there’s been no ring or proposal. In all I see he’s shrewd, using the system that best suited him.
However what have you done to improve your Credit Score Rating? Are the bills in his name too? If so you’ll have no evidence that you can better your Credit score by paying on these bills on time.
Meanwhile “let’s treat IT (the mortgage) like it’s OURS”… Well isn’t that just convenient while you pour copious amounts of your money into tHIS house!? Legally where do you stand if this relationship falters? With the exclusion of you on mortgage papers it still would not mean you’re not entitled to part of the property settlement… it just means it would be very messy and harder to prove had you not kept receipts of your contributions.
Sadly there’s ongoing poor communication between you both… and the fact that he said; “if it hasn't happened by this time next year I'll break up with you.” I feel like there’s some expiry date on you?
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): I agree with one of the first posters: I don't think you should be paying for something that's not in your name.Words are all good,but ask him if you split next year (as he suggested) how will your contributions to the house (renovations,mortgage etc.) be paid out to you? Is there deed of trust in place? I bet his 1st reply would be anger :"How can you imply I could ever leave you blah-blah".Legally you have NO ground to stand on.Look,take it as a sunk cost- you'd have been paying money for rent somewhere else too so if you don't get any of it back, it's not that bad.But don't stay with someone who considers dropping you when you are no longer useful (e.g. next year when it's all finished?Listen to him.He's telling you some truths-you are not listening!)Just learn your lesson from this and move on to somebody who values you. After 6 years (and 2 years living together!),you just know. If you don't know or you feel insecure,no matter how much you love him, just walk away.Not the right person for ya.Unless you want to stay around to see him bring in some other bird to that house you helped fix and make into a home...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): You're 24, what's the rush? The only concern I can see here is your name is not on that mortgage, yet you contribute. If he saved most of the deposit then he could have had it legally written up that he owns a higher percentage in the house than you do but you should be on that mortgage too.Just try to enjoy the moment, just enjoy the relationship and work out what you love about each other. When you're both calm, probably best not to be tired or hungry as that can turn people irritable, actually chat about what you both would like from life (when you imagine having children, when you imagine being married, what kind of future you see together etc...). You need to know you both want similar things, it might mean you compromise or he compromises on some things but you don't want to stay with him if it turns out he doesn't believe in getting married, or if you suddenly realised he would never really want children and you would. Just chill out a bit and don't add expectations onto your relationship, enjoy what you have together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): Buying a house before getting married is a much better idea. It means you spend your money on an investment rather than a few days. Also ask your self this.. Are you happy with this person.. If the answer is yes then why rock the boat because he hasnt married you? Marriage is not the only thing to confirm commitment
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 I think you are your own worst enemy here. You go along for six years and you don't talk to him about what it is you want, why is that? Does he shoot you down when you try to talk to him about the future? I don't think he should propose and give you a ring just to keep you quiet I think it is more meaningful when he actually wants to marry you. Taking everything you have said on board well he is in no hurry, probably because he wants the house finished first. Which I can sort off see why. But you never tell him how you feel, so to me that says you are not communicating very well with him, and he cannot read your mind. Tell him you want to get married. Tell him you want a dog. Ask him what and when he wants these things. But in fairness this should all have been spoken about years ago.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 Why did you move in with him w/ no marriage on table? I agree with Brownwolf, only YOU are stringing yourself along. Even if he loved you, hes not full-filling your needs. And you being quiet all this time, says something about who you are. Its been 6 years, HELL Im sure you can tell him anything by then and if you cant after 6 years of being with this person, then why are you with them?!.
If hes not full-filling your needs AFTER you told what you want, then walk out. Not because you dont love him but because YOU LOVE YOURSELF to walk away from any situation or man that does not meet your needs as a woman.
Because you dont value what you want, he doesnt value it either. He doesnt even see that you take yourself seriously. 6 years and its like you dont even know each other. Move out and find a man who is as excited as you about wanting marriage and kids! Stand up for what you want. Stand up for your needs. Any excuse you make to stay wit him is up to you but take a closer look at yourself. He is not stringing you along, he has very clearly told you and showed you who he is. Now step and define who you are.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (14 November 2016):
You are stringing your own self alone.
If you are hungry and want a hamburger, do you go to a place that only sells soup?? Then get upset because they done have what you want?
So if you know what you want in life, and your partner does not have what you want...you do what? Spend another six years complaining about it, then blame him for stringing you along?
Not being harsh...But this is your life too...and a man can only treat you the way you let him treat you.
Always start with the person in the mirror, before you start pointing fingers elsewhere.
Boyfriends are meant to be replaced when he is not the right man for your life. Husbands are the right man you marry to keep in your life.
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A
female
reader, Betty Blue Eyes +, writes (14 November 2016):
 He hasn't said he doesn't want to marry you, he said that he wants the same things as you. He has been with you for six years and lives with you so that's a massive commitment to you I'd say.A lot of women think of getting married from an early age and dream about it but men don't generally. They just don't get all excited about it the way a lot of women do.My sister was with her husband for ten years before they got married. My aunt was with my uncle for nearly twenty before they did! Your boyfriend is still quite young really, the average age of a man getting married in the UK is 32, times have changed and we don't all get married at a young age like we used to. That may be a good thing as I'm sure a lot of couples in the past rushed right in to marrying a person they didn't know all that well, divorce was rare and frowned upon so they got stuck with a person they couldn't stand.A lot of men your boyfriend's age wouldn't have their own home, wouldn't be in a serious and committed relationship or be anywhere near settling down. But he is. If you are considering ending things with a man who you clearly have a good relationship with then you need to think about the kind of guy you may end up with. No home of your own, no idea of how to organise and plan things, the many many men who don't want a serious relationship, would never want children or ever get married. Because there are lots of guys like that to choose from.It'd be different if he told you he didn't want what you want but he hasn't indicated that at all. Weddings are seriously expensive and if he's concentrating on your home then the prospect of an expensive wedding may be putting him off for now.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (13 November 2016):
Maybe you need to explain to him that an engagement ring isn't a big thing .. It just means that one day you will get hitched .. It gives you your place so to speak and let's others know your intentions without really having toe tell them .. we're engaged and will get married some day when we are ready .. but it's that step up for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2016): In my honest opinion and this might sound harsh - and it is and the truth always hurts - I don't think you should be with this man - 6 years is enough to know whether you want to be married and have kids in the future. This guy won't change - for the love of god a ring isn't that expensive and getting married is not either if you do it simple- the fact that ur paying for a house that's not in ur name is also screwed up- Maybe these are little hints that this sadly might not work- I think ur giving this man more than he is giving you and he knows that and he knows how to push ur bottoms - u know deep down in your heart that it's sadly not right because if u didn't you would have never come to this forum. A woman as loyal as you and as dedicated needs the same thing back and not in seeing other partners in unloyalty but in putting in what your putting in. Step back - re evaluate everything - god it's hard but it's never too late - u already have by writing it in here.. I will u all the luck in the world and the peace in your heart
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