A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just looking for opinions what other guys would do in my position. Basically me and my girlfriend have been together 6 months, in the early stages of the relationship there was rumours had she sent pics of herself in underwear to a guy she had been planning to meet before we got close. She also sent them to me at the same time (I guess) along with a nude pic of herself in the shower. At the time of what she had done she denied it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to believe and trust her, so we got past it. Well tonight a situation arisen whereby I got suspicious that there was some truth behind what I thought was a rumour, so I put her on the spot again and asked her to be honest with me, and she admitted she had sent them to a guy. Obviously my heart sunk and things turned into an argument. Given the chance to forgive her and move past this what would other people do in my situation? It hurts like hell but I love her and have known each other for 10 years. It would hurt to lose her from my life altogether I think. Thanks.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 February 2015):
Honestly, she's done nothing wrong. You don't get to judge her about her personal life before you were together. You weren't with her when she sent them to that guy so it's unfair for you to be butthurt about that now. She only lied because admitting she sent the same pics to someone else some time before she started dating you isn't exactly romantic opener material.
Look, I get it okay. We all like to pretend the world fell away the moment our girlfriend/boyfriend set eyes on us. We all want to feel special from the get-go. Well, real life just doesn't work that way. They had exes and other people of interest before they met us. And that's fine.
Be happy she had the guts to send those pictures to you at all. Lots of women get judged for sending naked pics and a lot of guys use it against them later, to humiliate them. That's probably where the rumors came from too. She's probably regretting sending him those pictures because he's an asshole who doesn't understand the meaning of the word private.
I also don't get why this would make her less trustworthy. She's not cheating on you. She lied because she knew you would think less of her for it (like so many men think less of women when they do stuff they like, but for another guy in the past) and guess what, she's right.
She wasn't the only one who lied though. You said you were past it and you weren't. That's a lie too.
Look, I'm sounding very harsh right now, but if you can't have double standards like that if you ever want to have a happy relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): I've noticed people prefer to drift of topic and pollute posts with arrogance on this site, rather than give useful genuine advice and opinions. Anyway, we was exclusive at the time, I just said it was the early stages, but we still was exclusively together, so it's definitely not ok to send such pictures to another guy. Also, I didn't set her up, there was rumours from her brother that a guy he works with has shown him pictures that my girlfriend has sent to the guy. I said to my girlfriend at the time we first heard about it that if there is any truth behind it, then she can tell me, I won't think bad of her because we all do things like that at some point or other in our lives, me included (but not while I've been in a relationship with anybody, I know my boundaries), and she denied it to the point of tears, and at that point I didn't ask her again because I didn't want to upset her and obviously I had no proof of my own about the existence of the pics, only what I'd heard. I did choose to believe her and we got past it and it hasn't been brought up since. However last night the subject came up again because someone said something about it, so yes I did ask her again and this time she did admit that she had sent a number of pics of herself in her underwear and one topless one of herself to a guy at one point, so I think that changes the whole situation in my eyes. People don't seem to be understanding that the point I'm making is that it turned out there was truth behind what her brother had said, and when asked by numerous people, she denied it and lied to me saying she never did. It bothers me that she may not be trustworthy and whether or not it's worth me forgiving her and giving her a chance. Like I said it maybe just another chance for her to do something and lie to cover it up again.
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A
female
reader, mrspiggy +, writes (4 February 2015):
 I don't see how, what she sent and who she sent it too, before she was with you is a problem? You didn't mind her sending them to you. It would be different if she did it now, but she didn't. She shouldn't have lied admittedly but you had no right to question her either.
Also, who on earth was spreading these 'rumours'.
You love her? Move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): You decided to revisit the situation after you said you got past it; then turned around and put her on the spot again.
Why did you lie to her, and say you got past it, if you hadn't? You lied yourself. You never gave her benefit of the doubt. You just needed more dirt to shame her with. You're a vengeful kind of guy. You are.
If you have the goods on someone, you deal with it and you make a move one way or the other at the time you catch them in a major lie. It was unnecessary to set her up; while you went out to do some more digging. That's why it came up again.
Who's the source of your information? Why was this source so forthcoming with damaging information about her? What was their motive behind all this?
You never believed her in the first place. You were feeling spiteful; and you wanted the satisfaction of humiliating and degrading her over a lie. It was about your ego.
You went through rumor-mongers and gossips to get more information to trash the girl you've known 10 years. She lied out of shame and embarrassment. It was out of self-defense. I'm not defending her lying, that was wrong.
It's not something easy to admit to a guy who is totally raging at you.
The way you went about it doesn't say very much about you as a man. You could have just broke it off the first time you got the bad news; because you didn't believe her anyway. You needed more dirt you could throw back in her face. You just wanted to add more to her shame.
Now you want to know how to get past it?
Just call it a day and move on, man. I think you've done enough already.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 February 2015):
If you were okay with her sending pics to you so soon, and you knew she wasn't a virgin you should be able to accept this. Fyi when someone says "I've never done anything like this before" they're probably lying.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (4 February 2015):
Oh good lord. Are you an adult, or a middle schooler? Your post says you are over 30, did you click the wrong button?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2015):
 I think first of all, that you two are old enough to sort this out without having other people meddle in your business. It kind of makes me wonder who TOLD you about those pics. Because I think that person has his/he own agenda here.
I agree with Janniepeg that you two weren't exclusive, so communicating with another guy isn't "really" a no-no, but PERSONALLY I DO think "those" kind of photos are for people who are exclusive. But that is just me being old-fashioned, I think. I just find it super tacky.
I think she lied initially because she didn't want to look bad in your eyes. BUT lying about it, creates so much doubt.
Is she still in contact with that dude? If so, I'd be wary. If she is not, I'd give her a chance. If you can't move past it.. then let her go now.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2015):
 She did this before you were exclusive. I guess you were angry because she didn't make you feel special. You were just one of the two (or more) guys. Also the fact that there are rumours around your circle and you would seem like a mug to forgive a "loose" person like your girlfriend.
What she did was not ideal, not something a classy girl would do but it's no cardinal sin. Nowadays people date around and it's only because a jerk told other people or showed her pictures to others that she was busted. I would say it's unfortunate that people meddle with your business.
You either want to be with her or you don't. If you think you can't move past the fact that you were not the only guy she was seeing at the beginning then let her go. There are still many girls who are discreet with how they interact with guys, and prefer to do one on one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): I don't understand how what she did before you two were together is anything to do with you?
Did you never get pics of naked women or look at naked women before you were together?
People say it's different !!! But it's so not different !!!
It's time men understood that just as they say they need to see and decide naked women , us women have a need to feel desired and for some of us. 24 enjoy sending pics . It's really nobodies business.
Unless you live in total perfection and always have , then leave her alone !!!!
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