A
female
age
41-50,
*losky
writes:been single for 5 years and now making a big effort to find someone. I have hated the idea of online dating and had some rubbish experiences 4 years ago, but now I am trying it out with a different perspective. I am a very private person and don't like the idea of having my photo on show for the world to see. Also because I am in a profession where people love to hate me, so I would die if one of my clients found me online. I'm really hoping to find someone who wants to get to know me as a person rather than what I look like. I am on eharmony and have all my pictures, but the pace is slow and have not had much luck yet. But I am also on OKcupid where I have a fake picture of someone who has similar features, but every guy I come into contact with I am up front and tell them that the picture is not me, but because of my job I prefer not to show one, but offer a chance to get to know me, obviously that doesn't go down to well. is there anyway of getting round this problem or is it a matter of being patient and someone will eventually come through? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, flosky +, writes (5 February 2015):
flosky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, great answers!
I now feel like an unintentional fraud, so I have removed the picture. Thanks for the additional pointers too :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): No fake photos! It's a lie from the very start. Full length photo is fine.
Also, if you don't want people at work to make fun of you for internet dating, head them off at the pass by telling them that you are on the internet and looking for love. Just drop this into the conversation as you talk to colleagues, make it light and fun. Then, if anyone does fine you on the internet and says anything to you, you reply, "Oh, didn't you know? I thought everyone knew". You don't need to tell them what site you're on, but be upfront about it - that should take the wind out of their sails before they can even draw breath.
Be brave, live and find love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Don't use a photo of someone else, even if you explain why you have done it, it will make you appear untrustworthy. So it's not worth it.Have a photo taken showing your whole body - this can be a very flattering photo, but doesn't need to show the details of your face. Men are visual, and a good figure will attract as many of them as an attractive smiling face. Once you start talking to an interesting man on the dating site, you can send him a head and shoulders picture of yourself.Also, be patient with online dating. Try a few different sites as eHarmony may not be the best one for you (I was on it for 3 months and didn't have any men contact me - I think it is overcomplicated). So try a simpler site - the biggest is Match.com and is very straightforward and I have met some great men this way. But do stick to the paying sites and you will be more likely to meet men who are genuinely wanting to find love. The free sites can often attract those who are looking for one night stands or just a bit of fun (nothing wrong with that, but if you're looking for love it could waste your time).As for people at work seeing you on a dating site... so what? If they see you on the site it means that they themselves are looking on that site. I have two very dear friends who married men they met on internet sites. I myself have done quite a bit of internet dating and have met some really interesting and good men (but not yet the man of my dreams!!). There is no longer the stigma attached to dating sites. Everyone is entitled to find someone to love and you are being proactive in finding that person and should be proud of yourself for doing so.Good luck and get that photo online!
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (4 February 2015):
 Honestly, I don't blame people for walking away from someone with no/fake picture. That said, I understand why you do it.
I think you should take one full ( clothed :P ) body picture and then people know what they'd be getting from the get-go and its not zoomed in on your face, though, that (face) would be a good picture to have under "friends only", if they've got that option for privacy.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 February 2015):
Look at it this way: when you go out in the world, be it shopping, be it visiting a bar or restaurant, you're not wearing a bag over your head either are you? And the people you're afraid of encountering online could be there too. Why would it be mortifying if they found you on a datingsite? There's nothing to be ashamed of. This is the age of the internet; everyone is online.
Also, a fake picture is worse than none at all. You're deliberately deceiving people and even if you tell them it's fake up front, you've already damaged their trust before they even know you. It also shows them you have big insecurity issues. That's not a good first impression. Also, who is that person? Do you think they'd be happy knowing someone is using their picture on a dating site to hide behind?
Look, no picture is going to make things go slower because people are visually oriented. So take a more active approach and contact men that sound interesting to you in their profile. Also put a description of your features in yours so people have an idea, if you really don't want to put a picture out there.
If your fear of pictures is because you don't feel you look good enough, maybe invest in having one taken. Photographers can help you find the right angles for your face. Taking a good picture is usually a case of knowing how to pose yourself so it looks good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): I feel the same way about that. I would be mortified if someone who knows me saw a picture of me on a dating site. And I would never hear the end of it. One time, on a drunken, facetious whim, I had my neighbor start a profile for me on okcupid. And the next day went and told all of our friends. So one of my guy friends then started a fake okcupid profile to mess with me and make me think he was a real suitor. Fortunately they couldn't remember the name I had given myself so couldn't find me on there. I myself didn't remember either. That was the first and last time I ever went on a dating site. I know it is not part of your question but why are you engaging in something you are not even fully comfortable doing? You do not want to be seen on there. I can totally relate as I said I would be mortified if somebody I knew saw me on a dating site. And my friends would never let me live that down. So why don't you engage in meeting guys in a way that you don't feel like you have to bury your head in the sand in shame? Like find a date through friends or through work. Activities. Neighbors. Whatever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): The picture is important as men are visual creatures they probably won't waste time on someone they're not attracted to.If you use a fake photo you just come off as weird and untrustworthy.You could try being more aggressive approach men take initative.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (4 February 2015):
Fake picture is a big no-no. Even if you tell them it is fake.
If you are going to date online, you need to be bold enough to be truthful. AND to not be ashamed of what you do for a living. I'm sure there are men in your field that feel similarly discriminated against, why not find one that understands?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (4 February 2015):
 Never use a fake pic.
When I show up for our first date, do you really want me to be disapointed?
If you really want a man, then you have to put yourself out there, I know its scary.
But the men on okcupid (like me) have to do the same thing. Like you we just want to meet someone special.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Online dating is not some taboo subject any more. People meet and are married from online dating! So what if someone sees your pic, what's going to happen? Chances are they're probably on a site too if they're single.
Maybe stick to reputable sites, if you're paying a fee chances are you'll meet someone a bit more sincere too than any of the free ones. You have one life, are you really going to let what other people MIGHT say put you off doing something? To hell with them! One profile picture is fine, if you get to know someone you could send them a different pic, if it really worried you have a pic where it's not too zoomed in and you're stood a bit more in the distance.
Just enjoy yourself, stay safe with who you meet and try not to worry!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2015):
 Don't use a fake picture. EVER.
I see nothing wrong in being a private person and NOT wanting a picture out there TILL you actually met someone you WANT to met. BUT it might make it harder for you to FIND that someone.
Pictures on a dating site are how people advertise themselves. Not all sites are built to FIND compatible mates but to find someone you are attracted to physically.
If you are on eharmony - do YOU contact men YOU are compatible with and interested in? Or are you sitting and waiting for men to come to you?
I think some dating sites do "group" events and dates where a group of people met up and do things, maybe that is better choice then just the website?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 February 2015):
 There are two options.
One is to not put up a picture and explain in the profile your personal reasons. Then describe your features. Most men would feel okay with an average build. Then tell the men you would include a picture in the email if you feel they are serious about getting to know you more.
Understand a lot of men would not click on a profile without a picture, except for the desperate ones.
The other one is to reconsider what would happen if the outside world knows you are doing online dating. What's the worst that could happen? Harassment at the work place, gossiping and laughing behind your back? You would have to think of a script to respond to them instead of just looking embarrassed. Some people would like to say that online dating is for losers and social outcasts. It would be laughable for them that a woman working for the corporate world can't find a man and has to resort to online dating.
Nice ways to respond to bullying is just to ignore and reflect the stupidity back to them.
If you could imagine the nasty things they would say then we could prepare a script as defence.
You might find eharmony or other paid sites with more decent people.
There are also men in the same position as you, try to find those guys.
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