A
male
age
30-35,
*bercrombieGuy19
writes:Hi there,I found this site on Google and I really wanted to get some opinions on what's going on in my life. I don't have many people to turn to at this point so I wanted to see if I'm alone here in my feelings. Let me give you some background information on my situation, etc.I am 24 years old and I'm in community college. I live with my fiance of almost 4 years who is 38 years old. I am a bit on the flamboyant side, and I have never hid who I am or suggested anyone do the same. I volunteer for many LGBT community events, etc. and I am fully supportive of everyone I encounter in life. The only odd thing is... I don't have any gay friends. I don't know why; I guess I just don't fit into the cliche of a gay man except for I love shopping and hanging with the girls. Anyways, my fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and he means the world to me. I have always been convinced that I was one of the lucky ones that has found my soul mate. He is everything that attracts me; strong, very masculine, protective, more on the dominant type A personality side, and a strong provider. (I lost my father at a young age and I suppose this makes sense for me). The only problem is, he is not "out" to anyone at work. His close friends know about him and his family is just wonderful! Anyways, it was always very discerning to me that he is not "out" to everyone but I'm not one to push anyone to do anything for me; he needs to do things in his own time. He is in administration for a large company and his work had a work party over the holidays and he said he didn't want to go. I guess that made me wonder... but I really wanted to go I just didn't tell him. So, he told me that he had a meeting with some clients and his coworkers the other day and I already know that he usually goes to dinner with them and meets for drinks after or something. So, that evening I went downtown with some friends and we were at a popular bar in town and next door to this bar happens to be a gay bar. So I went with some friends into the gay bar and we had a drink; then we went next door to the other bar because the food is good and the drinks are cheaper. We were eating and I got up to use the restroom and some friends walked by and I was saying hi to them and I gave one of the guys a hug and was talking to them. I turned around to walk back and right there was my fiance and his coworkers sitting at a table eating where they saw me. Everyone was drinking at the table and being loud. So I walked up and tapped him on the should and said "Oh my god what are you doing here!" because it was just funny that I'd run into him there of all places! So anyways his coworkers start laughing and said "see, I told you the fags like you... hahaha...." and I said "excuse me...." and they go "Tony, do you know this guy? hahaha" and I was looking him in the eye waiting for him to say something... and he wasn't saying anything! They were laughing... and I was standing there looking like a jerk off. I found myself saying "my mistake...." for some reason... and I just walked away feeling heartbroken on so many levels. I went to the restroom and I was actually really pissed off and I started getting teary eyed and I was texting him and he walked into the bathroom. He walked up to me and started saying he was sorry and I just slapped him in the face. (Not hard; I'm 1/4 of his size... I shouldn't have done this... he's never layed a hand on me and I don't think he ever would.) Anyways, he was apologizing profusely and was explaining that it was his work friends and he didn't want to "open this up to work yet" and I just ended up leaving. He was begging me not to leave because he still had more things to finish and couldn't leave yet. I didn't tell my friends what had happened and I just said I didn't feel good and left. I went home and packed a bag and left to stay with my sister. I have been here for 3 days and I ignored his calls for the first day. I agreed to talk to him a couple of times and I'm feeling so hurt by this. I just feel like when he should have "protected me" he didn't; he just sat there. I can understand some things about him not being ready to reveal this at work; it's no ones business I guess and he says he doesn't think his job opportunities would be supportive of this. I don't know what to do. The irrational part of me wants to give him back his ring and tell him he's not ready to be with me and the other part of this feels bad for him and wants to cry my eyes out because I feel bad for leaving him even for a couple of days. I made some dinner and left it in the fridge for him and he even cried this morning on the phone; I have never heard him or seen him cry in the time I've known him. God I'm just so torn. The part of me that says whats right is right says he should have never done that and that was really mean of him and maybe we need a break. But the other part of me thinks I'm being irrational and maybe we should be talking this over more or something I don't know... am I overreacting??? I feel like my heart is ripped in 2 right now; the man I saw as so protective, which I liked, and strong, didn't even acknowledge that he knew me! I didn't expect an introduction as his fiance but still! So my question is what are everyone's thoughts? Am I overreacting? Would I be sacrificing my principles to go back? I just can't think of much of a compromise and he truly is the greatest guy on Earth aside from this. Please help!
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male
reader, AbercrombieGuy19 +, writes (7 February 2015):
AbercrombieGuy19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone. Thanks for your replies and keeping me from doing something irrational. We were supposed to meet last night to talk things over; but he showed up after my class with flowers and he got down on his knees, outside of my class (in front of everyone walking out haha) and asked me to forgive him. He's so sweet. We ended up going out later and discussing some things.He said he was a little nervous and scared which is why he didn't say anything. I asked him to put himself in my shoes and think of how that feels and he admitted he should have said something. I'm not sure, I guess I still feel a little uneasy about this but hopefully time will heal that. I reassured him that it was NOT the fact that he didn't introduce me as his fiance, I can fully understand this, but that he pretty much pretended that he didn't know me. I told him if he was embarrassed of me as a gay male, then things with us surely will not work. I, of course, apologized for slapping him as this wasn't really the best way to handle things I just reacted. I came home last night also and I'm very glad I did. I still have an uneasy awkward feeling about what happened, because I still feel like I didn't get a solid answer as to why he didn't acknowledge me, but I hope this feeling will get better with time and hopefully if it was because he was afraid then this will go away.Thank you everyone! Please continue to give advice if you have any
A
male
reader, AbercrombieGuy19 +, writes (5 February 2015):
AbercrombieGuy19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your insight everyone. I have agreed to meet him tomorrow evening to talk things over. Just for some info; this isn't necessarily anything that's been building up because we have had this discussion several times before in the last 4 years. I completely understand where he's coming from as far as not coming out at work; he works on an executive level and I'm afraid the world and in my state isn't terribly kind to LGBT in the workforce just yet. Even though you can clearly tell I'm gay, I don't run around screaming it at work either; I think people probably assume but I don't discuss it with everyone because it's not their business.The ISSUE that bother me with this situation is not that he didn't introduce me as his fiance; it was that he 1.) didn't introduce me as ANYONE, not even as a buddy or a friend... almost like he was embarrassed or something to say it (even though I don't know he just doesn't seem like this person) and 2.) he didn't stick up for me when a derogatory remark was made right toward me. I don't care if it was a friend, I don't care if it was a stranger; if I had heard that comment I would NOT tolerate something like that and I would be saying something. Was he too afraid? Was he embarrassed of me? I don't understand... this is what hurts me the most. I feel like a little bit of his protective strong appeal which I've always very much been turned on by has gone a little bit, I don't know. Maybe after we talk some more I'll feel better.Obviously when there's a ring on his finger he won't be able to hide very much but I am going to discuss some more things with him. I love him more than anything in the world and I think I've decided although what he did was hurtful I definitely don't want to lose him. He's everything I've dreamed of otherwise!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): The two of you should have discussed this situation before it came to a head in this way. The world, sadly, just isn't yet fully accepting of gay men. Rest assured, I'm a single mum and the world certainly is not accepting of single mums, so you don't have to feel alone in being partially rejected by society.But any marriage needs for both partners to be able to sit down and discuss problematic issues, including BEFORE they get out of hand. This is the only way to deal with things maturely and REALISTICALLY. It's not realistic of you to expect your partner to forsake his job and job prospects to marry you. Neither is it realistic of him to expect to 'hide' his and your sexuality. But getting all altruistic doesn't work either. I spent several years hiding from employers that I had a child, after trying to be completely honest and upfront and getting absolutely nowhere. As soon as I did not mention this I got the job - I'm not joking. When I did finally trust an employer enough to tell him I had a child he was truly shocked but also deeply respectful of just how hard I'd worked considering I had sole care for a child. BUT it took time, experience, the right conditions and the right employer for me to come out and say it.In your guy's case, it may be a matter of biding his time OR waiting until he is with a different employer. It's not easy to live hiding something like this, but it's not impossible either - it doesn't reflect on you or your partner, but on the way the world is. My tactic was something like "Okay, prove myself to be an exemplary employee and THEN reveal all" because the other way around - revealing all first, just wasn't working and me and my child were suffering because of it. The world will catch up, really it will, but you can't always force it - as I say, it takes patience and time and the right conditions. But as you're a couple, you really have the opportunity to work together in agreement on this. I only had me - I never told my child that she was 'hidden', because for a child to hear this is just too hurtful. The difference is that you are an ADULT and although the little kid in you is really, really hurting, I'd urge you to both get on page together about this and trust one another to come up with a longer term plan for your guy's outing. Ultimately, it has to be at the right time for him, because right now he stands to lose his livelihood - and it may just shock and surprise you when it does happen.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (4 February 2015):
 This post was heartbreaking to read because it says so much about how far we as humans still have to progress before equality is real for EVERYONE. I wish we lived in a world where he could have stood up and acknowledged you with the pride and love every one of us deserves in a relationship.
Sadly, as his closed-minded coworkers showed you, there are still many people out there who think it's acceptable and even funny to treat others poorly based on their sexual orientation. If your fiance needs the job that he has, and if he knows his coworkers to be that kind of people, I can understand why he was afraid to speak up.
You're not overreacting - anyone would be hurt by a loved one who failed to acknowledge them in a public setting - but your fiance is stuck between a rock and a hard place. ESPECIALLY in situations outside of his workplace, where his coworkers are not necessarily bound to follow company policies related to respectful treatment of people different from themselves. So before you write him off completely, try to imagine yourself in the position that he's in - unlike you, he isn't fortunate enough to feel supported or accepted in his identity by the people around him on a daily basis.
That said, if you see a future with this man you have the right to expect that there will be a point at which you are no longer a secret in your fiance's life. What happens when you get married? Is he going to go on pretending to his coworkers that he is single, or his partner is female? Logistically improbable, as well as totally unfair to you if he were to try that.
So what I would do is this: sit down and have a talk with him. Not about what just happened, as you already gave him your reaction to that and he's already demonstrated that it upset him too, but about the future and what the plan is to transition your relationship from a hidden one to an open (visible) one so that situations like this do not CONTINUE throughout your future together. Be open to compromise on HOW this is accomplished (though not the end result), and suggest compromise to him as well. Maybe he finds a different job at a different company and you both adjust to any differences in work schedule/pay/etc, or maybe he transfers within the same job to another city in a more accepting area of the country, meaning that you both have to pick up and start fresh somewhere else. Come up with a time frame that is acceptable to both of you for this to take place - after you finish school, for example - and do not accept excuses from him beyond that point. At 24 you have all the time in the world to settle down, but you also have the right to expect that your partner keep his promises to you. If he proves unwilling to do that, THEN it's time to find a new partner.
I hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, mrspiggy  +, writes (4 February 2015):
 You are definitely not over reacting. Even if he didn't want to come out to his workmates a simple 'whoa, that's unnecessary.' would have been nice.
It must be so difficult for you and my heart truly goes out to you both. It seems he does love you but is finding it difficult to be as open as you are. Since you obviously love him too I advice you to meet him and talk it out. Hopefully he'll see how much hiding hurts you and will soon be ready to come out too.
Good luck.
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