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female
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*arma killer
writes: I feel really stuck at the moment. Im with my boyfriend who ive been living with for the last 5 months or so. We have never stopped arguing since that point and i know we need space to clear the atmosphere and have time doing things apart, but he has no job, meaning no money, and he cant move back with anyone to give each other space. We're living at my mums, and shes stressing out over it. Very confused!!
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 You cannot conduct a healthy relationship at your Mum's. However, you need money to live somewhere else...so...you both need to be working. Perhaps you can help him to find a job by looking out in the papers or on the net for a suitable post. If he sees you are taking an interest he may get motivated to get a job himself. If he is not working because he cannot get a job then he should look for voluntary sector opportunities. Charities are always looking for people to help and he could develop new skills and self confidence from this sort of work. It will also look good when he goes to interview. Set about putting a plan together between you about things you are both unhappy about right now and would like to change in the future - a timetable of change if you like - and work towards it so you both don't feel like you are drifting through life. This could mean putting a deposit together for a house, renting a flat, jointly applying for jobs (two minds are better than one!) and clearing any debts you both may have.
A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (25 August 2006):
 My dear why has your fella not got a job? Is he unable to work, or has he been finding it difficult to get a job? B3x has given you great tips to assist yur bloke in finding employment, the internet is great, are you UK based, if so try www.totaljobs.com, or try recruitment agencies such as www.reed.co.uk or www.bluearrow.co.uk or www.search.co.uk, www.adecco.co.uk. There are so many about, they can assist him in guilding a great CV and covering letter, match his skills and qualifications and hopefully he will be on his way to finding a good job. Dont allow this to go on for much longer, as it is totally unfair to your mother. If you need any help you cansend me a private mail because I help people with CV's, cover letters etc, its my speciality!!! Take care xXx
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female
reader, Tine +, writes (25 August 2006):
 Living together is hard work, your living in each others pockets day in and day out so its hard for there not to be arguments. First of all id ask why your boyfriend doesnt have a job? Is he unable to work? If so then is there not some hobby that he could take up to actually get him out of the house while your not there. If he is able to work then i suggest you get him to look for some work, anything at all to keep him occupied. I think that maybe you are annoyed at the fact that you are providing for them both while he sits in the house all day and does nothing. By him getting out of the house each day, it will give him an newer enviornment and it will take his mind of the arguments you have once had, therefore when he returns home you both will have things to talk about - about what he done at work etc. etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I agree with b3x in that there are numerous ways to seek employment.
Have him set a goal of applying online to five jobs a day as well as appying in person for two jobs per day.
Have him go to the local employment agency to help him gain experience.
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female
reader, b3x +, writes (25 August 2006):
 In some situations poeple gotta show a little bit of tough love, and hun, I think this is now! You don't want the situation getting any worse plus its not fair on your mum!
Try looking for jobs with him, there are loads of things on the interent now which can help you. Not just the internet but your local job center or even loking in shop windows for a job! You said he's only tried a few, thats hardly anything, you don't just give up if you get knocked back a few times!
I think you need to give him an ultimatum, you need to think about your mum more than him and its not fair on her! Your not kicking him out, if anything your doing him a favour and giving him a slap in the face with reality, just remember your not doing anything wrong, but kicking him out would help him.
Go take your mum out, she's prob tearing her hair out with you and him!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Have a meeting with a family counselor or through a Church group as most often it is a small fee or free of service.
Tell them what is going on and what you have come up with as a solution.
You will have to be fully prepared to ACT on your words; you will have to be prepared to boot him to the curb.
His mom has babied him for so long and now your mother is...what is up with that?
Have a family meeting.
Write down what is going on in your home and what you can do to help fix it.
The BF is a young male and has more oppurtunity to get a job; how about he go to the local day labour market...he may have to invest in a pair of steel toed boots.
He needs a full time job, period.
He will probably explode and if this happens, kick him out immediately as this will show he has no real intention of finding work.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, karma killer +, writes (25 August 2006):
karma killer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso..thankyou sooo much for all your advice, they have got me thinking all the same!!! I just dont know how to go about it properly...
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female
reader, karma killer +, writes (25 August 2006):
karma killer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits harder than just that, his mum does not have the space nomore, and lost self-esteem to look for a job because hes never got any feedback from the few that he has tried applying for.
Id hate myself if i kicked someone out onto the streets when i feel like he has no-one to turn to, but then its also not my responsibility. but my mums feelings are. HEADACHE!!
Karma Killer
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I agree that ground rules should be laid out. It's time to get tough.
Mum has done her job of raising her children and now needs to enjoy the "empty nester" life. She needs her space and time to herself.
I say that BF has one month to:
Get a job.
Plan to move out.
Start treating you like a queen.
Spend time out so Mom has her space.
If he doesn't comply to these wishes; give him the boot Sweetie as he is a bum and will only bring you down.
He needs the tough love to smarten up his butt.
Get some couples counseling or join a local group. Look to the yellow pages for classes under psycologists.
Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006):
I agree with the previous advice.
You really are disrespecting your mum to allow this to happen. As sad and hard as it seems, you need to accept that perhaps this relationship has come to an end.
Remember, when the bad times outweigh the good, it's time to realise that perhaps things are over.
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female
reader, b3x +, writes (25 August 2006):
For starters, you need to remember where you are staying, at your mum's house right? So you need to respect the fact its not your house. Its not fair for her to be getting stressed about the fact you and your boyfriend don't get on.
You got to boot him out, there is always somewhere he can go, a mates, family etc?
Tell him when he gest a job and starts contributing to your MOTHERS home then maybe he can move back in, I'm sure you respect your mother as your are concerned for her welfare, but trust me he doesn't! Don't let anyone disrespect any of your family or something they own.
He needs to get a job and be a man, and you need to spend quality time with your mum, as she'll slways stand by you! xx
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