A
female
age
36-40,
*oopyloulou
writes:My boyfriend and I went out for 3 years... we split up for one year and kept getting together on and off. Now we are seeing how things go getting back together. While we were broken up I slept with 3 people, one of which he knows about... do i tell him about the others? The one he knows about was a boy i was 'seeing' but my boyfriend got very hurt and angry when i told him. He asked a lot of questions and said he still loved me he was just hurt etc. So how can i tell him about the other 2? Should I? He has not asked me if I have slept with anyone else, I haven't lied, but I haven't offered the truth. They meant nothing, I went a bit crazy when we split up and made mistakes, I regret them so much. But I'm afraid he won't want to be with me anymore if I tell him. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): Me and my longterm partner after 10yrs split and i when crazy to he know that i had sleeped with 1 guy and he asked if there was any others and i lied and said no because he found 1 hard to deal with and he mite of not stayed with me if i told him i had a total of 6 in 3 months.I love him and want to keep him.
Dont worry about it enjoy him and not the past
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): Here is the thing Dr. Pete, you said that you broke up with your girlfriend who slept with someone while you were broken up and because while you were broken up, YOU stood by her faithfully because you were still in love with her. So because that was what was normal for you, you expected that to be normal for her, and would mean the same thing for her as it did for you, you are right about one thing, all people ARE different. So for you to put that tiny little judgement that she was not worth it because she slept with another man, when you were no longer in the picture, is sort of like saying that you own her or something, she had a free will and she excercised that free will, and you did not like it, but she was not promised to you at the time and she did not do it knowing that you would be hurt by it.
I understand that you don't think the fact that I am 50 has any bearing, or that I think perhaps a PhD would have a more unbiased viewpoint, (not looking for total support for my views, but actually a professional opinion period), but the thing is, I used to be like you and demanded total honesty and I would give total honesty, and I often still make that mistake today in my relationships because I do value intimacy and honesty, and the outcome does not always end up as well as if I had held something that personal back as I was under no obligation to give it in the first place. Total honesty is not always kind, it is not always the best way to be even intimate with your partner.
The thing about your viewpoint that you broke up with your girlfriend because of her choices, may be have been a bit short sighted, what's done is done and you can't regret your decision at this late date. But think of it this way, you are placing your own values and pereptions, your filter perhaps on your girlfriends choice that she did not use her mind, she acted in the moment and that to you devalues her and makes her immoral because you think that is not your choice, but to try and get over you by sleeping with someone else may have been a poor choice on her part, but people do make mistakes and learn from them, especially when they are the tender age of 20 to 30, as you all were, those life choices, lessons made your girlfriend who she is, and you loved her. To place those value judgements on her own sexuality is not really fair to her, as I am sure that she is not a complete whore or you would not have loved her. She did not do it to hurt you, it did not mean she loved you any less, in fact she may have been hurting, and was trying to do something to force herself to stop caring about you, not wise, but it is a common thing for men and women to do post break up.
So, why then, would you feel that it is wise to confess, when you have nothing to confess, your sexual past is really no ones business but your own unless it is filled with something that is so out of line of most peoples values or sexual preferences, such as if she was bi sexual and you are not, if she had sex in bars with unknown men, if she had a gang bang or some abhoration of behavior, then yeah, I think a partner who was not that type of person ought to know and be told about such past behaviors.
But we are talking about normal people here, who are good, caring souls, that are just trying to find love in the world, there is nothing to feel ashamed about, there does not need to be a moral stamp of approval from a partner, that you are worthy to love, because of past brief or not so brief sexual relationships.
If we are honest there are times when all of us really dislike the opposite sex and sometimes even our own sex...we are really showing a form of hatred when we try and force everyone to always behave as we do in romance...Hatred does not have to be an emotion of intense concious dislike, hatred can also be abscence of compassion, the abscence of imagination, and the abscence of a recognition of a common humanity.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 Rythmandblues is most likely right. I especially agree about leaving out the details: these can create images that upset him and continue to upset him. He will want to know, but sometimes what we want and what we need are very different things.
Personally I do believe each person in a relationship has the right to know the others sexual history, albeit painted in very broad brush strokes. This has to be tempered with judging the strength of the relationship: whether or not someone can handle the information. There are disadvantages and benefits to both options, telling and not telling. You can to ask yourself whether are you willing to lie if he ever asks the question: 'did you have sex with anyone else during that year we were apart?' and whether your relationship will be overall better or worse off with that lie in it. There is unfortunately no completely correct answer.
If it is any consolation, the Ancient Greek philosophers Plato and Socrates used to endlessly debate "whether it is better to be unhappy and wise or happy and a fool". Namely: should we seek knowledge that could make us unhappy knowing it? That was over 2 thousand years ago and so far no philosopher has come up with a conclusive answer!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): rhythmandblues, I am glad things worked out the way they did for me. It was a painful experience but I would choose that over being ignorant of what really happened every single time because the moment she made those choices our relationship for me was over because she was no longer the person I thought she was and her hiding what i feel were character defining choices would have made the relationship based on false presumptions. I value honesty in this way and appreciate a quality in a person where they don't always "act in moment" and instead have some thoughtful insight that govern their actions. This works the other way around too, I would share such details with a partner if I were the one who had sexual experiences whilst broken up with them and got back together - if, that is, the nature of the relationship was that such things were discussed and we felt it was beneficial in understanding each other and how we both dealt with being broken up. For me, the cause of our breakup was not in knowing the choices she made but rather the choices she made in themselves.
So the fact you are 50 and obviously had a lot of "life experiences" as you put it, or feel the need to have someone with a phd support your point of view really is quite pointless and unnecessary as you're forgetting that people and the dynamics of a relationship are exclusively different for each and every situation.
Clearly there are people who feel that they themselves are responsible for their actions and are not to be shared with someone they love and others who feel a stronger relationship can be established by talking through what they see as decisions that are relevant to a life long relationship.
More generally, there are far too many people on this website who put their own, usually prejudice and unhelpful, opinions on this website, instead of encouraging question askers to come to their own conclusions and decisions in to what actions they are going to take. I doubt anyone really listens to "do this; do that" advice but rather need support seeing their options and encouragement to make their own choices for what feels right for them at the time. I feel you are wrong, rhythmandblues, to tell this women that she should categorically not tell her boyfriend what happened, even if he asks. She is not you, and her relationship is not any of your past relationships. She should consider all her options and go with the one that feels most right for her and her relationship, that is how we learn and develop in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): No, I don't think that you have to tell your beloved your sexual history or the number of people you have been with, it is really your business, I think where a lot of people make a mistake is thinking that they somehow have to receive a stamp of approval about their sexual past from their mate before marriage, and that just is not true, if it were, none of us non-virgins would be worth love or worth getting married to. You have a history, and so does your boyfriend, you did not meet and decide to forsake all other from birth.
Part of being an adult is to let that stuff go, it is in the past and has nothing to do with your present relationship....If the goal is to develop loving feelings and a strong relationship, it does not benefit that goal to divulge in detail your sexual past, it is hurtful...
Read what Dr. Pete wrote about how he felt with a same situation, he could not get past it and he broke up, but yet he maintains that you should tell him if he asks.
Male anonymous thinks he is juvenile for not wanting to hear, but he is telling you the same thing, he gets a picture in his mind and it is hurtful, makes him resent his girlfriend, and does nothing to bring them closer together.
I think even in a marriage, if you were to have an affair and end it, you should also not tell your partner anything in detail if at all, and vow never to do it again, of course if you are confronted with it, because you were cheating then you come clean and deal with the bleeding, sometimes relationships can't get past this kind of a blow and end....but the marriage does not become stronger because of the confession. If it becomes stronger it is because the relationship was troubled and the affair was a symptom of that, and in order to save the relationship, finally the issues are brought forward and worked through, but the confession was a painful thing and it was merely a catalyst for change and could not be avoided, it was the big elephant in the room.
In your case you do not need such a catalyst to strengthen your relationship. You have had troubles in the past, that is why you broke up, dredging up topics like you sleeping with men while you were not in a commited relationship with your partner does not resolve those past issues. If you want to strengthen your relationship, then take an inventory of the issues and problems in the past relationship, such as selfishness, money, commitment issues or how to handle relatives and free time, common interests or lack there of, future goals and where you see your relationship going in a year, 5 years, talk about how to raise children, what religion if any will they be taught, and all the big and little issues that have relevance to your future together....You did not cheat, your relationship did not suffer from infidelity, but it does sound like there was a lack of commitment and a conscious decision to be a loving partner to one another.
Deal with the issues and leave the hurtful details out about sex with other people that took place while you were not together.
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A
female
reader, loopyloulou +, writes (20 March 2007):
loopyloulou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all your advice. And i can definitely see the risk involved in telling him, I am scared he will call it a day. However, if I'm going to spend a long time with this guy, doesn't he have the right to know my 'sexual' history? Most of us want to know the number of people our present lovers have been with. I recognise some of it is to do with my guilt and trying to make it feel better. But i think I would want to know?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I don't want or need the details of my partners previous relationships or encounters. I know it's a personal fault of mine but I usually start avoiding and resenting the situations under which those experiences happened. "Oh, you did this with that guy. It's tainted, I don't want to think about it or do it." or "Oh, you guys used to have these names or phrases about/for each other. It's tainted, I don't want to use those."
I realize that it's a pretty juvenile way of thinking and to a large extent it's exaggerated. I may forget about certain things with time or in the heat of the moment, but when hearing it or thinking about it I a picture forms in my head in which I feel quite unpleasant so I'd rather just not think about it.
I would not tell him based on the fact that he might feel more uncomfortable and hurt than any good that might come from it.
Having said that if you really love one another and are willing to spend time on this issue, working on it, crying about it together, spend time reinstating trust that might have been broken and proving your love anew that might lead to a stronger relationship eventually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I still don't agree with Yos and Dr Pete on this one, sorry. You broke up for an entire year, he has to know already that you most likely had relations with another man on some level, I bet he did the same....Telling him about it would just be to torture him with the details, he does not at the very least need to know the details, who, where, when, as he will form a picture in his head and a resentment for specifics, and he nor your relationship will benefit from that,.
I am 50 years old by the way, lots of life experience. If you don't believe me on this one, you might want to direct this very question to a PhD level clinical psychologist who on occassion is an agony aunt on this board...her name is Dr. Psych, what ever she has to offer would be pretty sound I would think, and if she disagrees with me, then I will have learned something at my old age, as well.
I am not suggesting that it is not relevant or that you should lie to your partner, but some things are best left in the past, especially when they were not relevant at the time they happened, you thought you two were over, and for all intensive purposes, you were.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (20 March 2007):
I agree with Dr Pete by and large.
What I don't agree with is the notion others have stated: that because you were split up it has nothing to do with him. In a relationship, each persons sexual behaviour and history is relevant. In the same way that other aspects of someones behaviour past and present are relevant. A relationship (a serious one anyway) is about two people merging their lives on some level, and all these things are part of our lives.
Put it this way, if it was truly irrelevant to his life, why would it be a problem telling him? The fact that it is a problem shows that it has meaning and relevance.
Having said that, it is likely to hurt him if he knows this, and possibly even drive him to leave you. You have to carefully weigh up the damage it could cause, versus the benefits. Just don't use the (handy excuse) reason that 'it has nothing to do with him'. Use the real reason: 'it will hurt him to know, and maybe damage our relationship'. And be honest with yourself about why you want to do it: that you feel guilty and want to get this guilt off your chest. Honesty being the best policy only works when you are honest with yourself too.
Benefits of telling him? There are a few. For a start, true honesty and intimacy is the foundation of a great relationship. Keeping secrets, any secrets, undermines this to a degree. Yes honesty can cause more pain, but pain is how we learn, and sharing pain brings us closer together and teaches us to weather the rough patches in our relationships.
Also, think that you're going to have to keep this a secret forever. The longer you wait, the worse it will be if you finally choose to tell him or it accidentally comes out. Not only will he have to deal with the emotions of you having done it, but it will make things twice as bad because he will feel you have lied to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): Does he really need to know, i don't think so. Just let it lay quiet, don't offer to tell him and i think if he asked i wouldn't tell him. Stay quiet. You two were split up and so what! You didn't know that you were going to get back together, so just let it go and don't beat yourself up about it, we have all been there, you are not alone.
Take care
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I agree with most of the advice here.
I agree with the idea of "what he does not know cannot hurt him" and to that end you should think it wise of him not to ask about it. That's the way I try to think about myself when it comes to my own partner's history. I see no reason to discuss what happened before me or when we haven't been together because I know I'm ultimately setting myself up for a lot of imagining things that were probably a lot more innocent and meaningless than I'd make them out to be in my head. God knows I'm no spring turkey myself and have had plenty of meaningless encounters.
I guess what I wanted to add to what had gone before was this:
A while ago I was getting into a new relationship with a girl. I was quite young in my relationship prior to this one and had done a lot of lying and cheating. Therefore when I started off in this new one I promised myself that I would base it on honesty and integrity. What happened next was that a couple of months into the new relationship I had a serious relapse and made the big mistake of sleeping with my ex. We both knew the day after that it had been a complete mistake, but in a way it came as a closure for both of us. However, wanting to base my new relationship on honesty I found myself compelled to tell my new girlfriend about my mistake. So I did. I sat her down and told her what had happened, how sorry I was, that it was a complete mistake and that I had realized afterwards what kind of a mistake it had been, how it had completely gotten my ex out of my system so it would never happen again. I asked her to think about it and consider forgiving me and giving me another chance. Which she did. She decided she loved me and wanted to be with me despite this and I never cheated on her again.
However, despite her best intentions, she never really could forgive me and for the next two years that the relationship would last for it was a steady downward spiral in which this indiscretion was brought up very regularly and I was made pay for it over and over again. Looking back she probably should have just dumped me right when I first told her and saved us both a lot of pain and time.
The moral of what I am saying here is that the truth can be a dangerous thing and sometimes needs to be handled delicately. Of course it's virtuous to be honest and in most cases we should strive to be. And obviously we should try not to make any mistakes in the first place. But being honest with one self is also highly important. You need to take measure. You need to ask yourself if honestly think that you will make up for your mistake in your own way through your love and making him happy and promise yourself not to make mistakes that might hurt him again. If you honestly think that you can benefit his life by staying in it and not making things harder or more hurtful don't tell him. Be sorry for your mistake (if you honestly think that it was a mistake, because, maybe it wasn't even that big of a one, you were broken-up) and try to make it up to yourself by making it up to him and making him happy with being with you. I loved my girlfriend very much and I know that if I hadn't told her what I did things would have been very different. (My ex would never have told on me and herself called me an idiot for telling myself).
In the end its up to you. Are you two better of together or do you think your little mishap whilst broken up is a sign of what's to come, that it is really all that relevant the future of the two of you if it were to get buried under the layers of time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I agree that if he asks, tell him, but if not, don't. However I can understand that you feel guilty, I would too - if the other person hadn't slept with anyone else, that is.I was actually in your boyfriends situation once and my ex lied to me about this very thing. It was a heartbreaking thing for me because I was not with anyone else and whilst she was out "getting over me" with other guys I still loved her and I knew things weren't over between us. But, what she did eventually ate away at my feelings for her because of the nature of what our relationship was based on.I can understand this situation from both point of views but I don't really agree with the other advice in that it is his "problem", so to speak. You were broken up yes but it is not as if these 3 guys were part of your past, they happened in-between you seeing your boyfriend so he is quite right to feel hurt and upset.We learn from the things we do and the mistakes we make and whilst this might be a painful situation at the moment I would suggest you are honest and take care of each other. If you need to tell him, or he needs to know, tell him. If not, then don't, things will be much easier if your relationship can go ahead without this coming to light. but whatever happens I am sure you can get through this if you both work at it.
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female
reader, Bailey J +, writes (20 March 2007):
 No, it will cause more pain and anger. Plus it will give him ammunition when you argue. Keep it to your self he doesn’t need to know.
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female
reader, Farris +, writes (20 March 2007):
 It's just going to cause you more problems if you tell him this. I know that honesty is usually the best policy, but unless he asks you directly, I wouldn't tell him anything more.
You shouldn't feel guilty for what you did whilst you were separate... Part of the whole package of not being with each other is the ability to be with other people.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): You told your boyfriend about one guy and he got very upset....the only reason that you would tell him about the others is to pass on your guilt and regret and dump it on him, it is like a game of hot potatoe, who has the hot potatoe, throw it catch it deal with it so I don't have to do so.
You have nothing to feel guilty about first of all, you thought your relationship was over with him and you were trying to move on and "re-set" your heart, there is no crime in that. Your boyfriend does not want to think about you being with another guy and visualizing another dude on top of you or below you or what ever his mind will conjure up....You are not doing him any favors by telling him about it, tell him if you want to hurt him, but there is no altruistic reason why you should tell him, you are just needing to make _yourself_ feel better....Total Honesty is not all it is cracked up to be in situations such as this.
Good Luck with a fresh start on your relationship, treat it as that, leave the past in the past and vow to be better to each other going forward.
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male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (20 March 2007):
 Technically, you didn't cheat since this happened while you were broken up. He didn't ask so there's no pressure to tell. Although its up to you to tell him even if he does ask (and its not wise of him to ask anyway). The only problem is when he asks, you can either admit it, or refuse to tell him the truth. If you do the second one, you might as well have told him something was up. But really, this happened while you weren't together so you dont have to worry about cheating. If he doesn't ask, dont bring it up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): my advice is keep quiet,as you have already said how he reacted to the 1 guy you slept with,what he dont know wont hurt him,thats unless you want him to dump you,thats whats going to happen if you say anything.
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