A
male
age
30-35,
*lysses
writes:I am 24 and a kissless virgin. I am ashamed of the fact that I have no idea what it is like to be in an intimate relationship and that the only sexual gratification I can get is self given. I feel like by not having dated in high school and college I missed out on a learning curve and I can't live up to the relationship expectations of my age group. I also regret the fact that I missed out on learning and experiencing relationships with women who have little to no experience. The fact that I could be her double digit relationship when I have never been in one is very intimidating. I feel like I have nothing new or significant to offer because I'm not on the same playing field.I am ashamed to masturbate but if I don't then no one else will and I don't want to deny myself the pleasure but I hate feeling like trash because of it. Lack of experience aside I can find no redeeming qualities in myself. I know I am not ugly but I am a worthless man and this makes me reserved and avoiding meeting and creating relationships with women.What can I do in my life to make masturbation less shameful for myself? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (6 December 2015):
I can relate, when I was around your age I felt the same way. I was a virgin and I was doomed, because the only time you're allowed to be at the 'grossly incompetent and knowing it' stage is when you're young, right? And I didn't feel young anymore. I had botched it.
Truth is, that's a bunch of BS. Every new thing you learn: you're starting out in that stage. And if you stop learning and trying new things after the college age, your entire adult life will be bloody boring indeed. Don't waste your life living by that principle. Don't live your life based on what other people may or may not find acceptable.
I squared my shoulders, asked out the first guy I liked and when we got to the virgin part I chickened out again and made up some BS about it having been a long time, only to come clean later. Safe to say he was surprised I was a virgin, but he didn't mind at all.
My first time wasn't great, but I got to the point where sex did become enjoyable for me and more importantly, I was able to make it enjoyable for my partner. You just gotta ask for feedback and ask them pointers. And when you do something stupid, you gotta be able to laugh about it. Sex is about enjoying yourselves. It's not a graded performance test.
Get some therapy to deal with your self esteem issues and start socializing more. And remember: if you don't make a big deal out of your virginity, others won't either.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): i'm 27 and can almost relate
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 December 2015):
 Are you by chance from the USA? Because you people are the only ones I hear who uses the phrase "missed out" in this manner. Life is not about missing out. You gain experience by living, no matter what life you've chosen or what experiences you have, your experiences are equal to experiences of others. So no, you've not "missed out", and there is no such thing as a learning curve of relationships, and there is no such thing as expectations of your age group.
You are not in a relationship for some reason or other, and that reason is still there hindering you from entering one. That is all I can tell you from your post. Your inexperience in relationships isn't what's stopping you. Your inexperience with sex isn't what's stopping you. The IMAGINED experience of others isn't what's stopping you. There's something else stopping you, and you should explore this and figure it out. Stop giving yourself lame excuses like you "missed out" and somehow that means you're entitled to mope around and never even give it a shot. If you do not want a relationship, fine, that is your right, but don't sit there are complain about it when you're not interested in doing anything to change your own situation.
If you want a relationship and you want to learn, then get started. Nothing of what you wrote is a legitimate reason or good excuse for why you can't have a relationship now. It's not like you have a set age and unless you've had sex/relationships before that time you lose a part of your brain enabling you to converse with other humans and form relationships. So don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): My partner was 26 when i met him. A 26yo virgin who had not even been on a date let alone kissed a girl. I was far more "experienced" than him and it was super cute to teach him how to kiss and even better knowing he didnt have a history with a list of crazy ex's.
Dont write yourself off. Enjoy life - the right girl will come along and youll know she is the right one because she wont care that you are less experienced than her.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (4 December 2015):
You know why your two hands dangle just below your waist, right??? Thru either god, evolution or a combination of the two, you are meant to masturbate and enjoy yourself.
Everybody masturbates. Join the crowd. Nothing to be ashamed about here...just don't do it in public and scare the horses.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): You have access to the internet, so join the social sites on the internet like facebook and get to know the girls.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): I simply hate that expression "a kissless virgin".
It is a dreadful way to speak of yourself but i hear this is the way people talk about themselves and others.
It is too derogatory for my tase though.
YOU ARE A PERSON CREATED BY GOD.
i dont recall JESUS HANGING ON A CROSS MOANING ABOUT his lack of sex life.
Well you may not be religious,in fact you probably are not ,otherwise you might value yourself a little more.
from a practical point of view you are a disease free male and there are girls/women who want just that.
relationships start out as friendships and then people take themselves into sex for all sorts of reasons.
i dont know why you think masturbation is so bad because over here its considered perfecly normal and again you wont get aids,herpes, or any other sexually transmitted disease from it.
SO YOU ARE A CLEAN MAN LOOKING FOR A CLEAN FEMALE PARTNER.
perfectly normal in fact.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (4 December 2015):
 Go see a therapist so he can ascertain whether you may have depressive or anxiety issues. Perhaps you have a situation they you are unaware of and you could take care of that with a small medical dosage. Plus even if it turns out well, you will at least eliminate mental problems as the cause of your self perceived "worthlessness".
Suppose the psychologist sees nothing wrong with you, then you could turn to various supplements that have mood elevating qualities. Combined with vigorous workouts, these elevate endorphins inside you, and thus stabilize mood and build confidence.
Basically, what I am saying is that lack of sex isn't the problem. Any man can get romance with just a little effort such as committing particular action to get it. The fact that you are avoiding to behave in such a way that can get you romance implies psychological issues. So please do see a therapist ASAP.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 December 2015):
Why are you a worthless man? It sounds to me like you are basing your sense of self-worth completely on your sexual history. That is the narrow prism through which you are looking at yourself and coming to such a negative, bleak conclusion. You say that you have nothing new to offer because you’re a virgin? But when have meaningful relationships ever just been about sex?
Perhaps as a “kissless virgin” myself I can share with you how I see it. I believe that the time it takes to find the right person isn’t something to resent, but an opportunity. It’s a chance to meet people, to make friends and to learn how to be confident around people of either sex. As you do that, and people start to share more of their life and circumstances with you, you learn a lot about relationships, how they work and how they don’t. I would not say that I have nothing new to offer, or nothing to offer a person who’s been in relationships before, because I’m a whole person, not just a sexual object. That’s true of you too. You said that you missed out on experiences with women who also have little or no experience themselves and that this intimidates you. I understand why you feel like that, because she will come with experiences good and bad, and perhaps different expectations of a relationship to those that she might have had when she first started out. That could, however, be a good thing. She may be much clearer on what she wants because, as they say, we learn from our mistakes. Some of us are just perfect second-time boyfriends for the one who had their heart broken once before. With you, a relationship will have to be built slowly because you’ve got a lot to discover and find out, but perhaps she’s more ready for that now because she’s already met the guys that seem to offer the earth and have managed to fall hopelessly short. If you can’t get past it, there are plenty of women your age who’ve not had much experience. It’s certainly not a certainty that you’ll be a double-digit relationship for her, by any means. What I’m trying to say, though, is don’t let the potential of her being more experienced make you look the other way if the right person comes along. It could even be a good thing. Why do so many young ladies gravitate towards men with more experience? Perhaps it’s more acceptable the other way around to admit that you see the positives in a more experienced partner, but it doesn’t make those positives any less real for a less experienced man.
Finally, the masturbation: I don’t think you’re ashamed of masturbating. Instead, you’re unhappy about your lack of sexual experiences. Your need to masturbate arises from your lack of any other stimulation, so it’s a reminder of the other issues you have. That would be the only reason, unless you belong to or were raised in a faith that condemns masturbation as sinful. But you write: “I don’t want to deny myself the pleasure.” Well don’t then, but accept that it is only part of your strategy for dealing with this lack of relationship experience that makes you so unhappy. It should go alongside working on your confidence. That requires you to be prepared to think long-term, to first concentrate on being less reserved and withdrawn and more able to make friends and appear to be open to others. The trick that I have always given to people with confidence issues (often men shy around women), is this: don’t see people as men and women, but just as people. If they share interests and have the kind of personality you get on with, try talking to them exactly as you would a man. This will help you to feel more at ease around the opposite sex and start you on a journey that will allow you to be more open to the right person in the future. How do you meet such people? If you don’t have female friends anyway, you could do something as simple as exchanging some pleasantries with, say, a lady in the shop or on the bus. Use online forums to find people who share your interests: I quite like Interpals as a place to meet some interesting people in an open, online community that’s international in nature. Find groups where you can meet people face to face: I used meetup.com to do this, but clubs and societies work just as well, or volunteering projects. Honestly, if you don’t immediately think of every girl you meet as your potential life partner straight away and just try to see her as a person just like you, who will have her own insecurities and worries in life, you’ll open up so much more. Okay, so you’ve not been lucky enough to have had a girlfriend yet, but be confident (or at least learn to appear so) so that you’re ready when it does happen. I’m not saying it’s easy, or that I myself have found anything like a perfect approach, but it can be done.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): Don't feel shameful it's a perfectly normal thing to do and even people who are in relationships do it. I'd say people who don't do it are in the minority.
You need to feel more confident in yourself! Nobody is worthless, why do you feel that way about yourself? Try and write a list of all the things you like about yourself.
As for thinking that if you started dating the woman would be in double digits with their relationships I don't know how true that would be. I'm 31 and I've had 4 boyfriends, nowhere near double digits.
Have you tried dating sites? You could try and have conversations with women without the pressure of being face to face and go from there.
But anyway masturbation is not shameful or weird or abnormal. Loads of people do it, don;t be so harsh on yourself.
...............................
|
