A
male
age
41-50,
*tevie123
writes:HiI wondered if you people out there could help me with a problem i am having with my girlfriend...we have been seeing each other for nearly a year and until a month ago i was very happy...around 6 months ago one of her 'male friends' who is a property developer took her to see some houses as she was thinking of moving, which although i found it uncomfortable ( i can get quite jealous) i delt with it without her knowing i had any probs, it wasnt untill last month that i found out that this 'guy' was someone she used to date around 10 years ago should i be worried? she tells me that she has not seen him for years and only contacted him to obtain a damp proof cert (she bought her current house off him) and when she did he suggested he takes her to see some houses that his friend has just built in the area she wanted to move, she tells me that she is happy with me and loves me very much even speaks of us moving in together but i cant help but get paranoid and jeolous whenever she recieves a text or phone call. she also works and is friends this guy who from what she says is a total sleaze who is quite happy to cheat on his girlfriend and whenever they have a works outing and i know he is there it drives me crazy i cant help but think she is cheating on me with this guy....especially knowing that he is really good looking and has the 'gift of the gab'am i worrying too much? i hope so she means the world to me, prob worth mentioning that in past relationships i have been cheated on, kinda thinking this is why i feel this way......
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (25 April 2007):
I'm not going to give you the answer you might want to hear. If not, just don't listen to it... it's up to you. But I'm going to tell you that not only are you being jealous, but secondly, you have no right to be. If you want to use "love" as an excuse to put a tether on your woman, and declare that she belongs to you now, well then fine. But people do not seem to realize that this is a form of slavery. Radical idea? Maybe, but think about it. If she enjoys spending time with you, and you enjoy spending time with her, why not then just continue to enjoy the times you enjoy. What she does on her own time is her business. What you do on your time is your business.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi there stevie,
It does sound to me that you are worrying too much. You say yourself that you can suffer from jealousy and that combined with seeing this other man as being really good looking and being able to talk-the-talk really highlights this jealousy in that you feel someone is going to take something of yours away from you. It seems like this is because you don't have confidence in your own abilities - but I would guess your girlfriend thinks you are just perfect in the way you look and speak. Your girlfriend certainly seems to be focused on spending her life with you. She says that she loves you very much and how she wants to live with you, but I sense that there is probably a part of you that doesn't believe this? I don't actually think this self-doubt comes from being cheated on in the past, I think you use that a reason for your behaviour - I think your insecurity probably comes from earlier on in your life. People who have an inner confidence eventually move on from someone cheating on them by being able to distinguish that their partners cheating was down to their partners own free choice and issues and not because of any fault of the person who was cheated on. Your insecurity was much more likely to be picked up from a parent, children pick up insecurity very quickly when they are developing.
Anyway - jealousy is an unhealthy emotion and you don't need to make things worse for yourself by allowing these thoughts to persist. The theme of jealousy is a threat to a relationship from another person, the thinking around it is usually very rigid and extreme in attitude. I guess your attention is focused on looking for sexual or romantic connotations in your partners conversations with others and that you seek constant reassurance that your partner is loving and faithful? Depending on how bad your jealousy is, you might monitor or restrict your partners movements or even set traps for your partner. You probably create visual images of your partner being unfaithful and you look for evidence that your partner is having an affair. Does any of this ring true for you? That is what jealousy is about, you probably do a varying amount of things depending on how jealous you are.
There is a fantastic therapy known as "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" that has become really popular at dealing with the idea that thoughts create your feelings and that by analysing your thoughts it can control how you feel. This is perfect for dealing with things like jealousy, or any negative feelings, and I would really recommend that you either find a CBT counsellor (at a cost to you - from £25 - 75 an hour) or there are some superb introductionary books to CBT that you can get on Amazon. They often include tasks that you have to follow in your own time. Basically, it helps you realise that your thoughts are unrealistic and once you can see this in the way CBT sets out it brings on change. CBT has lots of scientific evidence to show that it works, so I really would recommend looking in to that - if of course you feel the jealousy becomes a bigger problem for you. All the best with whatever you decide to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): listen sweetie you need to take a deep breath and calm down yeah your jealious but you cant say you know she is cheating so you need to trust her even if its hard if you get to jealious she'll either ask for a break or talk to him about it. being jealious can push her away my fiance is really really jealious and doesnt like anyone really around me but he deals with it in away but some times it drives me crazy. you just got to remind your self she loves you and this if she does cheat then she really didnt care and isnt worth your time just dont push her to that point pain from non trust and everything can cause heart ache and can make her seek happiness any where she can find it. just be strong and stay wise the best will show you soon in meaning everything happends for a reason. i wish you all the luck
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