A
male
age
30-35,
*ean Lyte
writes:My wife and I just got married less than a month ago. I love her very much and we knew each other for a year before getting hitched-which happened very very suddenly.Her and I both are off to a college now and I've been noticing that I find many girls here more attractive than my wife. I've been here before but I didn't have this problem as bad-I ignored it pretty well. But the fact that I see so many attractive woman kind of worries me and makes me wonder if I married the right woman. My attraction initially is obviously physical-which is often more so than my beautiful wife-but I'll meet many girls that seem to be a higher caliber of a person than my wife; intellectually, emotionally, maturely, and spiritually. These are all very important for me. I'm scared that seeing other woman as more attractive on all of these levels is a sign that I married the wrong person or if I'm just being subjective and should try and work things out for the better with my wife. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dean Lyte +, writes (18 October 2010):
Dean Lyte is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you much everyone for the time and effort to understand. I hope you guys understand that this is life changing advice for me. Thank you! And a special thanks to k_c100 for your lengthy, thoughtful, and hopeful advice-it wasn't only focused on my wrongdoings but what I can do from here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): They are more attractive, etc, for one reason only...they are not your wife.You sound like you have remorse about marriage that is pretty bad for a newlywed.Not good at all.But, as the prior poster mentions, all this is expected.Also remember, if you weren't married to her then she'd be one of those people that is "more attractive", etc.Another thing, from personal experience, that I noted after I got married, is that other married women my age and younger single women seemed to be more attracted to me and a lot friendlier when I had that wedding ring on my finger, than when I hadn't had one. I don't know why, but it was notable, and I found it awkward. I think it may be because they feel safer talking to the married man (as he isn't in the pool of eligible males and they don't have to "worry about him thinking they are interested") or they feel that a married man of their same age has something going for him that a single guy doesn't.Then again, some guys like to screw women that are married to other men and hit on them for that reason, and some women are no different.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Well the issue here is that you married too young and are now paying the price for it. There is a reason why people should not get married BEFORE they go to college and University, and that is because during those years that is when a person changes the most and finds out who they really are, and what they want from life. Before you go to college, all you have ever known is the town/city you are from, and the small number of people you have met in that place. Girlfriends/boyfriends are almost always from school. It is such a narrow little world that you exist in pre-college, of course you will be happy because you know nothing else.
But then when you get to college/Uni, suddenly the whole world is open to you. There are people of all different ages, races, social situaitons etc, suddenly you have the chance to expand your own world by surrounding yourself with people who are all so very different to what you have grown up with. And that in itself is intoxicating - at college you can be whatever you want to be, even an entirely new person because these are people that have never met you and have no judgement towards you.
You are a young man and at your age are bound to find many girls attractive - this is how you are supposed to be. It is nothing to do with marrying the "right" woman, at your age no woman is the "right" woman to marry because your emotional maturity cannot deal with the concept of marriage of just being with one woman forever.
Biologically you are designed as a male to pick out the most physically attractive "mate" as these women are more likely to be better mothers (they will pass on better genes etc). And at your age, when hormones are still raging and you are still nowhere near your full maturity (for men to reach maximum maturity is around the age of 30, whereas for women it is between 18 and 22). So here you are, a hormone charged young man barely out of his teens who is designed just to be such a thing - yet you have tied yourself into a marriage you are just not ready for.
So there you have the background - of course you are going to be attracted to a variety of women as this is normal, and of course you are going to meet more interesting women at college than your wife because you are open to a whole new world of people who are, as you say of a "higher calibre". Your wife is probably the highest calibre of woman from your town/city/school where you have come from, but then when you open up the pool of people of course there will be women much more attractive, intelligent and exciting than your wife. You just picked the best from your old home, whereas now you are seeing for the first time the best the world has to offer.
Hopefully that explains why you are feeling this way. But you must realise that you have decided to get married, you made those vows and you comitted to this woman for the rest of your life. You were silly and short-sighted to get married at such a young age, and if you had better advice from family and friends then maybe you would not have gone ahead. But it has happened, and there is no backing out now. You have made your bed, now you have to lay in it.
You HAVE to work on your marriage, put all of your effort into it and dont allow yourself to think you married the wrong girl. There probably is no "right" and "wrong" person for all of us, no-one can be 100% perfect so just rememeber that all of these other girls you meet will all have their flaws too even if they are not totally obvious from the outset.
And maybe think about this - now your wife is at college too the chances are she will expand in terms of intellect, maturity, spiritually etc. Bear in mind that she is now too exposed to other men who will be of a "higher calibre" than you - so if you both are going through the same thing then you stand a chance of making it work. There are always going to be better people out there who you find yourself attracted to, but if you remember why you fell in love with your wife in the first place and always remind yourself of why she is special, then you should be ok.
You made a mistake by getting married so young, but dont let it turn into an even bigger mistake by either cheating on her or getting divorced. You can make this work, but only if you truly believe in her and the vows you made to her.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): More information needed - why did you have to get married so quicky??
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