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male
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anonymous
writes: I'm with a girl I really really love, really deeply. But in a conversation when we was talking about our past sex lives I found out she had slept with somebody I know.It has begun to really bug me, to the point sometimes I don't look at her the same way. Sometimes I just go into deep thought and images of them having sex come into my mind. Am I crazyyyyyyy? I need advice quick. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): thanks alot for ya advice it has been very helpful beyond ya knowledge ill try my hardest....anymore advice keep em coming
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female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (4 October 2005):
 You know, I'm almost in the same position. My boyfriend found out recently that I had slept with someone that he knows, but he was just joking at the time, but it was the truth. Ever since then, he's been bringing crap like that up to me and he thinks about it. Like I tell him, no one can change their past or change what they have done. They can only make things better. If you love this girl and she loves you, just forget about it. It's nothing you can change about her, make it untrue or not have happened. It's her past, look towards the future for the both of you. I don't let my boyfriend's past bother me because I wasn't with him at the time. I know people that he's slept with, but whatever... I can't change that, but I know he's mine now and hopefully forever. I know they can't have him again and I'm proud to have him be mine as you should her be yours. Especially if your feelings are as strong as you say they are. Don't let this stuff do anything to your relationship, it's peddy stuff.
Hope you get over it.
Just remember, the future is what you should care about.
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reader, schlottjl +, writes (4 October 2005):
 Explore where this is coming from. Realize you are not crazy. You are in fact normal and saying the truth. (Any ladies reading this should take note. This is why your virginity is a gift.)
However, it is of course unfair to hold any of this against her. It may help to allow the feeling but focus on thought stopping and talk to your girlfriend. Mourning the loss of all the other chicks and the history of your current one is actually a healthy and necessary process to go through for your future (with or without her.) It is maturity in the making - if - you allow it to be.
When ever you worry about a feeling and behavior keep in mind that feelings are always okay. They just point you in a direction or make you aware of an area that you need to be aware of. Emotional feelings are very scarey. In fact, I believe that it is the FEAR of the unknown CAUSE of the feeling that compels us to act or think in unhealthy ways. So while no feeling is wrong, our reactions to the fear of what those feelings MIGHT mean, could be. But the good news is that you have a choice in how you behave. The answer lies in exploring where the “Might mean” took you. Do you worry she liked it better with him? That he was better? If so PLEASE relax; women are so different in sexuality since they are the keeper of the gate. We always focus on a total package and not the one you are thinking of. You are a project sexually. That is the least of our concerns. I am very serious here, be the man and make her feel valued and safe and you will be the best she has ever had. Please believe me and if not pole strange women. You will be surprised at how little we think of the process and size, and how much we crave attention and connection. We really have a tough time convincing you guys that we are serious. We put feelings and being cherished as the essential goal and the sex is often to make you want to connect and cherish us. Orgasm comes when you convince us you do once we have the safety to enjoy it without feeling judged. That comes with time and after building trust. So you slowly gain rank in our minds as you grow your bond. We need you guys after the seed is planted (so to speak).
Keep in mind that women are not different animals any more than if you have had two dogs or cats of a different gender. We are very much like you but get bitchy around protecting and nurturing our families and homes (and when ever the biological process that makes that all possible appears monthly.) The guys however tend to need a collar and muzzle around that bitch in heat and particularly when another male dog is in the area! We are all just animals on the inside sometimes. It is the biological role that we play that changes us but also causes us to need each other.
Bev is right. If you ever saw dogs attempt to mate, you would notice that for all the snarls and spits of from the male dogs, if she doesn't allow the mating, he can be seriously wounded. Well, she has had thousands of guys come on to her and likely many, more that were too subtle for her to notice. Still, she chose you. You are good enough and your fear of her is what is driving you to repetitive thinking. She is dangerous and you must respect a woman’s power. (So should she as that helps us (her) realize our (her) worth and removes the need to ever get our validation from indiscriminate men. The certain knowledge also shows up as increased beauty and oddly security for our partners since we would exude confidence and remove self doubt and the insecurity that men misread as slut behavior. No woman is ever a slut. She is only shades of self doubt or self hate. This misreading is either a deep down feeling unknown to even him (the sexy good girl, or it is what causes her reputation as a slut. The only way out of the labeling these days is to be frigid- an obvious no win situation.) )
I am hopeful for you since you seem to realize the error of your obsession. Less healthy men would assume that if a feeling hits them it is a real and caused event that must be acted upon by instinct. We are different from the animals because we have higher thinking and can analyze the instinct. No need to hump a leg or pee on the furniture. You can choose. How?
Research on-line the keyword thought stopping and cruise over to a site called mens web. There you will find role modeling and guidance from other men who know your pain and have conquered their own fears and exude manly power and freedom. Those are the sexiest qualities in a man. You can have the life you want and I believe you will have the peace to enjoy it all as well.
Good luck! Remember, you’re her stud!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): i know how you feel my boyfriend has slept with two girls who i know both unprotected and he didnt tell me himself he had slept with them, i found out off his friend. i feel really sorry for you becuase i do what you do too i think about it constantly and let it eat away at me it makes me so unhappy and i wanted to end the relationship so many times, but it isnt his fault just like its not your girfriends atleast she had the respect to tell you herself. it eats me up daily and its hard because i love him so much and he loves me but i dont let myself be fully happy incase he didnt tell me about another girl he slept with and breaks my heart again! you sound like you really want your relationship and really love your girlfriend and the best thing you can do is forget i know its alot easier said than done believe me but if you keep yourself occupied you wont think about it, get a hobby together. i dont know what to advise you because its only you who can get over this yourself. there is a condition called irritation jealousy you should look it up on the net see if its what it is, it might sound stupid but its worth a try.Good luck mate and i really hope you work out what you want.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): Stuff that happened in her past isnt really anything to do with you and you shouldnt punish her for it. If you truely love her please dont let something like this ruin a good relationship
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (4 October 2005):
You have doubts, insecurities... and that mean you dont trust, and relationships are built on trust, so get the hell out! It isn't going to work.
You dont have deep love mate, you are having infatuations (a "crush") and since this insecurity is based around sex, your priority of her must be in the bedroom, we call this "lust", there is no "real love" existant, if there was the fact that she has slept with someone you know wouldnt be an issue (unless it was everyone you know or multiple), it seems you have some sort of physcological jealousy as you dont get no "brownie points" from the sex and have respect from your mates as one of them has already had her.
Sex should be between two people who love each other and if she is clean (no STD's), loves you and is faithful, then the past doesnt matter!
You need to grow up... from this stereotypical thought im getting and that is you going down to the pub and frontin to your mates about how good she is in bed and how it hints your mates to be jealous and envy you (esp. if they are single and dont get laid often) and it doesnt quite work if your mate is there and goes "I know" then describes your gf as having better sex with him then she does with you.
You are getting over your crush, slowly, and you are starting not to love her, this cant be mended, so say your optimum love for each other is at 100%, rite? Now its slowly going down to say 65%, you can then hate each other, fall out or whatever, you can then make up but you cant love each other more then 65% of how you did before (natural fault - those that try are 3-4 times more likely to cheat and have affairs to make up for what is "missing"), even if you started doing new things which made you both happier, sorry to use this example, but if you died, she wouldnt cry so much and you would be alot easier to get over and continue her life then if you died before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): you need to ask yourself..doe you love this girl? then if so past sexual partners should not matter
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 October 2005):
 You need to remember that the reason that this is preying on your mind is due to your own insecurity. In other words, you're afraid that you don't 'measure up' (pun intended) to the other guy. When you think about them together, what your mind is really doing is wondering "Am I as good as he was? What if she loves sex with him more than she loves it with me?"
Now, these are your own worries and you shouldn't be putting them onto your girlfriend. After all - unless her sleeping with this other guy happened while you two were together - she hasn't cheated on you. Most likely, she had no idea that you and she wouldn't even be together when she and the other guy happened. So, believe it or not, this isn't about her and it isn't about the Other Guy, either.
This issue is about your insecurity, your worries that she might still have an interest in the Other Guy, and that's how you have to approach it.
I suggest that you speak to your girlfriend about it, and tell her, in a totally non-judgemental and non-confrontational way that you're feeling uneasy about what you found out and that you just want to be reassured. Something like "When we were talking the other night about our past sex lives, I didn't realise how much of a battering my ego would take, finding out you had sex with Scott before you met me."
Talk to her about the fact that you worry that she might have some residual interest in the OG, and be sure that she understands how much you love her and want to stay together.
Time will help you get over this shock to your system. (This is why it's really NOT a good idea to do these "full disclosure" discussions with a boy- or girlfriend. One of you is *always* going to have had more partners or a more intense history than the other.)
Just keep reminding yourself that if your girlfriend wanted to be having sex with the OG, she'd be with *him*. The fact that she's with you now shows that she thinks you're better and more desirable than him. Then remind yourself that your girlfriend can't go back in time and change what happened, so you just need to learn that her history should stay where it is: in the past.
Good luck, hon.
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