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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have a bit of an issue. My boyfriend, N, and I have been together a little over a year and we are very happy. However, my (male) friend, R, does not seem to be happy with our relationship. R seemed supportive at first, but would do toxic things like attempt to kiss me and confess his love for me (despite his engagement to another woman). In short, he's a schmuck. I have been slowly dropping him from my life--I have no need for toxic friends--with polite avoidance. However, last month he called me up and nearly demanded that I break it up with N "for my sake." I became irritated, informed him that I would do no such thing, and hung up on him. I have since not called, dodged his phone calls, not responded to his emails, the whole bit. I suppose it should be known that N is a wonderful man who sincerely cares for me and that R is the only person in my life who has any kind of problem with our relationship despite having never met N. Well. R finally managed to catch me at work and talked my ear off about not being around. I politely declined an invite to lunch and drinks after work with a simple "too busy" excuse.My question is this: should I continue to blow him off, or can one of you delightful people give me a way to make it known that I don't care to be friends with R anymore?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 October 2005):
 Ditch that psycho! Sheesh what a creep!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): Yes..you are doing the right thing, hun. You've taken the first step and that is, acknowledging that this hurtful toxic friendship with R is dragging you down. As people, we do crave closeness with good friends..but when the other person is disrespectful and beings selfish, then it's time to bid them "adieu". Trust that creepy feeling in your stomach because R is getting too close for comfort and he needs to back off. You are certainly doing the right thing...by acquiring a more comfortable distance between the two of you.
It's kind of sad because more often than not, it's the really nice people that wind up with toxic friendships, like what your experiencing. Nice people tend to give too much of themselves, and through time, certain people will take advantage, thus taxing the friendship. You are doing the right thing. Here's a great analogy I read when it comes to structuring and managing our friendships with others. "Flowers need sunshine, rain and room to stretch their leaves and their roots. Crowding can lead to suffocation and death." Take care dear and carry on with your happiness. N sounds like a great guy! Best wishes.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): Your going to have to be cruel to be kind in this situation, and just simply tell him that you dont want someone like him in your life anymore, if he continues to pester you after this just simply ignore him, he'll get the message eventually!
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (4 October 2005):
 You choose who you want to be friends with. If you feel this R guy is a little bit too psycho in his attempt to get you (Also may I add I feel this guy is quite the annoying type!!), you should just tell him to bug off, straight out, no nonsence!! You've tried to give him subtle hints, even obvious hints but it looks like he's having none of it and will continue to bug you whether you like it or not. Just let him know you dont appreciate his behaviour towards you and your boyrfriend and would very much appreciated it as well if he could butt out of your affairs and let YOU deal with it yourself. Sounds harsh??!! Well, it is, but I reckon its the only way to get to some people at times! Personally, I only ever use it as a last resort and in your case, I feel you are in that situation. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (4 October 2005):
The way I see it, is you have at least two choices, but either way you are going to have to confront him. One is that you try to get to the root of his issue. Invite him to open up to you and really share what is going on with him. His verbal admission might make him see that his efforts are fruitless and he may not persist. Two, is that you tell him how you really feel.Once he realises that he may lose contact with you altogether, he may change his behaviour. Approach him in a non confrontational way and communicate.
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A
female
reader, scooby doo +, writes (4 October 2005):
Dont get involved with this toxic friend. You are doing the right thing by giving him the cold shoulder. He is trying to rule your way of thinking. My advice to you is that when you see him again - ignore him completely. Pretend that he does not exist.
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