A
female
age
41-50,
*oveGoddess
writes:I am dating a man who in the past has been a very thoughtful, kind and decent person. He lost his job three months ago and since then, has been drinking heavily and taking narcotics to "numb the pain". He is exceptionally depressed and worried about losing everything - his house, car, etc. Since he began with this pattern, he has changed. He has lied to me, he has gone out drinking (heavily) without telling me the truth and he has made a lot of excuses to avoid seeing me. He tells me that he is just "very down" right now and that he does not want to drag me into his problems and bring me down with him. I have overlooked a few lies, although I have confronted him, and worst of all, he went to detox and only stayed two days. I'm not sure if he can stay clean or not. I love him very much, and am trying to be understanding, but the real issue is - should I stay with him?
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 September 2009):
Well, I know you want to be supportive and be there for him--but it may not be the best time right now. To be honest, I got laid off my job back in May, then my bf cheated on me, followed by several other circumstances that caused me to start drinking heavily every single night for about 3 months--I couldn't leave my house to even get food except once a day, then after that I'd start getting hammered. It happens.
I think you should talk to him and find out if this relationship should continue, as you want to be there for him and help him out; however, you can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. If you out of the blue just decide to dump him, he could take a turn for the worse. So let him know your thoughts, that you're not sure what to do since this is no longer a healthy relationship, and that you want to be there for support but you're not sure what you can do. Depending on his answer, I think that's when you should decide to stay or go.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (18 September 2009):
 I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering right now. Its never easy to watch someone you love degenerate into some kind of dark pit.
Your boyfriend's spirit has been broken. In essence, his zest for life, his desire to live has suffered.
This has taken him into a very dark pit in his life, a hellish place rife with alcoholism and drugs.
The first thing you need to do is find a way to get him back into rehab fast. If for any other reason, to save his life.
If it were alcoholism alone, I would say its hard because someone like that has to hit rock bottom before they will ask for help. But narcotics kill much faster than booze.
The lying and deception that you experienced is not the man you knew. That's coming from someone who is intoxicated with substance abuse and cannot think or act clearly for himself. And this is the sad part because what you've said is that he's a very thoughtful and decent man ordinarily.
A lot of what he's going through is a loss of self-image and self-worth.
If you can find him, you need to help him. In order to do that you have to look him in the eyes and tell him that he's destroying himself and that its hurting you. You need to tell him he must go with you and he needs to get help now.
Is there a way you can get help from family and friends? He's going to need that. He's also going to have to spend a month or more in rehab to shake the drug addiction.
If they allow it, you should go see him whenever possible, and be supportive even if he's withdrawn, rude, outright hateful towards you or appears mean-spirited. Remember he's suffering so much and he's experiencing a wide range of emotions and none of them are under his control.
The only way to determine whether you stay with him, is if he can get the help he needs to start standing on his own two feet again. Then you'll know. But if he becomes helpless and loses himself into this dark world of suffering, you will eventually have to leave him in order to save your own life and future.
This is a very tragic thing that's going on. And knowing what you're seeing, I can tell that you're heart is breaking over this.
This is about the only advice anyone can tell you unless you want to just outright abandon him. If that's the case then you leave and don't look back because he will only get worse.
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