A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at breaking point and so is my partner.I don't know what to do anymore. He cheated at the begining of our relationship and I have obviously not dealt with it. My anger has grown to such a point that I don't know if it will ever get better. I speak to him with no respect, I have been physical and I have no patience with him and I have no control over my anger. I punish him all the time, I wont open up or care about him. A part of me wants to, to get it back to how it felt before. I have alot of anger towards her. I know HE cheated on me. What makes me angry is that she knew he had a partner, he had spoken of me all night. She had wanted a relationship from him before we had met but he never wanted her. He had gone to sleep in the spare room and she came in and slid into the bed and the rest happened. He was very drunk and she was straight! I know he didnt say no, I know he stopped and he told me only hours later and has felt horrible ever since. I cant understand why women do this??? She had had a partner cheat on her, didn't she know what it was like? So how could she then play the other part?Her life has gone on and I havent been the same person since, I'm an angry horrible person. I'm scared I have to leave him to find myself again. We now have a beautiful child, a home. Life could be good but I'm too angry. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): I am the original poster.
I know I shouldn't be physical with him. I am ashamed and it's not me. And he has put up with it because he loves me. He has tried, so much.
I think I hold so much anger because one, she got to walk away with no damage and I've never met her. I actually want someone to do what she did to me. When she's happy and life is good, I want someone to sleep with her boyfriend because she seems to think it's ok.
My partner wants to move to the town for work. It's remote and small. I don't know how I would cope coming across her.
She never had to deal with any of this. I have counciling booked in less then a week.
I just don't know if I can get those feelings back, I grew up believing I would find that someone and that I would NEVER stay with a cheater.
We did try dealing with it when it first happened but my anger was nothing like this, I didn't feel that bad, it has grown and gotten worse over time, after playing it in my head, asking questions, etc.
He didn't even like her and she's actually quite gross, thats why I can't understand it even more. Yet I feel the need to compare.
I do hope counciling works. Because we can't sort things out by ourselves. Tried friends and family but they just say the things that are easier said then done.
A
female
reader, jc82  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 First of all, you have every right to be angry at her. She is a slut, whore, bitch, every single name you can think of, they all describe her. There is something wrong, in my opinion, with the way people no longer condemn seductresses. When someone else intentionally tries to destroy your relationship (it sounds like your boyfriend was truly not the instigator here), they deserve your anger, blame and public shaming. So feel justified in your anger towards her. But, ultimately, she is irrelevant to your life, and focusing on her is useless. Its better to maybe express your anger once, and then forget her entirely.
Secondly, your boyfriend confessed and feels regret. You have a child together. So, making a real effort to save the relationship seems logical. Seek counseling, as others have suggested.
In the meantime, or if counseling isn't really an option for you, try to "soften your heart". You seem to have a good grasp on the things that are wrong in your relationship, and the ways you continue to express anger toward him, so make a concerted effort to change your thoughts and feelings. Open up, tell him things you wouldn't ordinarily share, even if it feels awkward at first. When you see yourself punishing him, stop it, and apologize, every time.
I realize a lot of people might disagree with this following piece of advice, but, if all else fails, maybe you should cheat on him and see how you feel being in the other position. Even if you don't go as far as sleeping with someone else, just kissing another guy might in a way assuage your anger. While this may not be a very moralistic solution, it could be effective.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 February 2010):
This is something that should have been seriously addressed when it happened. I think the only option you have left is counselling. And if that doesn't work you will have no choice but to leave. I don't think there is anything else he can do to make this better anymore. He's even stayed after you've been psychical. So you have one option, and that's counselling. If that doesn't work then you need to end it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 You need to forgive him to move on .Otherwise the anger in you will destroy this relationship.
Do you want to see the end of this relationship?
Do not be too judgmental and harsh on yourself. It does nobody any good. You should be rational and think of the solution to get out from this mess.
Salvage what's left and build a new life again.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (20 February 2010):
 You just may have to "leave him to find yourself." Counselling may help.
I feel that if you can't forgive...then you must forget (the relationship)
If you wish to continue this relationship, you need help getting past the anger...
Good Luck!
~BG~
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 You might need to get some professional help to deal with this. I think you need to accept the fact that it happened. There's no changing it. What happened between them was a physical reacation between a male and female. Don't disect the event, it will drive you crazy. This does not make you an angry or horrible person. By the way, you have no right to hit him. This makes you an abuser
The other woman had nothing to lose here, excpet her self esteem or moral high ground. In her world it's ok to do whatever you have to do to get what you want. So you remain angry. You punish your man. In reality, you punish yourself. By maintaining this anger, it has become a monkey on your back. It has become part of you, your spirit and your persona. This is controling you and you're aware of it. The fact you're writing this letter is a good thing. It means that this ahs overshadowed your life and you want positive change. Now that you know this, you need to find a way of letting the anger go. If you can't forgive or let it go it's possible you should split up.
It sounds like your man has tried everything to admit and take responsability for his actions. There is NOTHING else he can do. There is only one option in my point of view and that requires you to take the steps to seek help from someone trained to help.
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