A
male
age
41-50,
*smd
writes:ever since we had a kid three years ago my wife is never in the mood for sex what can i do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): You need to take the burden of child raising off her hands.
Try to get a reliable babysitter and a few nights off for her so she can recharge. Plan regular weekends away where you can be alone away from distraction.
Most women have a very strong maternal instinct and love being mothers. But sometimes getting away from the house and all its chores will refresh her libido and remember the magic that made those beautiful children in the first place....
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 I can add no advice to the fantasic advice given by chevara and the last anonymous post as they are just from the heart and if either of them were my partners and id gone off sex then I would listen to them so take there lead and nothing ventured and all that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): I've been there. My ex-wife totally lost her sex drive after our children were born: she suffered depression after our first child was born (and still does), which in itself is a real passion killer, and in combination with her meds and hypothyroidism, it totally destroyed her libido, and she couldn't even go out to work.
Eventually, after fifteen years of virtual celibacy, we split up, and the lack of sex was one of the major reasons.
There is really no blame, no fault in this. It's just a situation that happens, but eventually you might end up resenting her, which would be a real shame.
Despite my experience, the situation isn't necessarily irreparable for you. I assume you have already done the sitting down and "we've got to talk" thing. And at a guess she didn't want to talk about it, or didn't see it as a problem, right?
Then you tried the candles and massages, doing the ironing, flattering her, taking her out for dinner, and that didn't help, right? Sure, it's nice, but if she really has gone off sex, often no amount of ironing and flattery will help: she's not so tired any more, but she still prefers CSI Miami to sex. She tells you that the more you pester her for sex, the less she feels like it. So you stop asking for sex, and she gets the feeling that the problem is solved: she doesn't want it, and you don't want it (she thinks). So you go back to pestering her for sex, and once in a while she reluctantly agrees, but the sex is no fun because she's not enjoying it.
Tell her that it is a a real problem, and you can't handle it on your own. Get some counselling. She'll probably be resistant to that too, but you need to convince her that you really do have a problem and it will destroy your marriage unless you get it fixed.
Then she's likely to acknowledge the problem but say that you can both sort it out together with no need for outsiders.
And you will make no progress.
There will be lots of playing for time from her part: you'll have sex tonight, I promise, not now, after the kids have gone to sleep, I promise, I'm too tired now, but tomorrow morning, I promise, not now, but at the weekend, I promise, sorry, my period's started, but when it finishes, I promise etc.
If she won't agree to counselling, make the appointment yourself, tell her the date and the time and tell her that you expect her to go with you. The problem is not going to go away on its own. I'm not saying you should drag her there by the hair, but if she is reluctant, you really are going to have to be a bit forceful.
I haven't a clue as to whether it will work or not, but all of this is what I should have done years ago.
Good luck to you and your family - I hope you are more successful than I was.
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A
male
reader, chevara +, writes (24 July 2009):
What I have learned after 2 kids and 13 years of family life, this does happen. But I also learned that the grass is not greener on the other side, for men and the women. Look buddy, take the time to talk to her, not just ask qustions, but talk and listen to her. I've been in your shoes before, and 13 years slipped away in a heart beat.
Make her feel she is no matter what the queen in your life. You have a family now, make things right while you still can. Women do have alot of emotions that are like a roller coaster we as men, do not uderstand. Sometimes we are expected to know these things. Try to understand her, sometimes giving up is the easiest thing to do, but fighting and keeping your family together is hard, and the right thing to do.
Help out a bit more around the house or chores. That means alot for a woman, especially if she works as well. Works both ways, I found that out the hard way. But again, we can not read their minds, so talk to her. Having a child does throw some changes, may not see them right there and then, may come with time. But no matter what sometimes it is never enough, but all you can do is try,try, try. Also sex is sex, a stress reliever, a satisfying moment, whatever, but making love to her is different, doing the extra things to make her feel good, wanted, loved.....and so on. Keep in mind, no matter what, sometimes its never enough. Do your part man, just try its never easy. If it was, there would not be as many broken families as there are now. Don't be another statistic my friend. God bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): i very much doubt anonymous below is right. however its not impossible. only you will know your wife enough to know whether she is that cold.
lots of women lose there sex drive after they have children, sex is in the mind, and when we spend our days (which can be exhausting) with children it can leave you mentally drained.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (23 July 2009):
It is possible that "anonymous" is right, maybe she has used you for kids but hopefully he is wrong and she is just tired and all this will have a happy ending.Your choice, listen to him and be depressed and hate her, see her as a user and your self as the sperm donor or try and get to the bottom of the problem like adults with love and respect and understanding and remember you have kids.Good luck and im sure you will talk it through like adults and try and see each others point of view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I expected any female answerers to come out and say it's all about the woman, and you should fall over backwards to pander to her, etc.But frankly, it's much more likely that she has got what she wants out of you - a child and regular income support - and isn't interested any more.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Has she had any 'me' time for herself? Where she's not just a mom or the housekeeper?
Does she get enough sleep? Does she feel good about herself? Is her health good?
How would you characterize the division of duties? Does she work? Do you work?
I think we're going to need a little more detail.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (23 July 2009):
Childbirth and then the looking after kids can do that to you, but 3 years is excessive.
Is she maybe worried about getting pregnant again?
Do yoiu make sure she is not too tired, do you do some chores for her and let her relax then run the bath and make the effort.
For women if they are stressed or tired, worried the kids will hear or wake up or come in, then they cannot relax for a man they tend to think about sex, want sex and if possible have sex anywhere, any time and dont think about things in the same way.
Men tend to go to sleep after it, women tend to lie awake and worry about things like the kids, the man next to her snooring, the need for love and tenderness above the need for sex.
Think about setting the scene, taking the time to ensure she is not tired and hopefully she will want it again.
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