A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey! So, I've had this friend since kindergarden. We've been very close friends since we were 3 years old and I know she loves me and I love her back, but we're very different people (different education, different background...). Anyway, the thing is, I cannot be with her anymore. Since she became pregnant and had to kids she became the most annoying and judgmental person on earth. She always, and I mean always, talks about her kids and she openly judges me and my husband for not having/wanting and kids. What is wrong with her? She got to the point where she even told me that her life is more valuable than mine because she has kids whereas I don't and that I will never understand the beauty of it all. Honestly, I can't take being judged to my face for my life decisions. Who is she to judge me? I have my own house, my college degree, my job and I work really hard to have those things. I also have a loving husband.I tried talking to her, explaining to her that she makes me feel bad about myself, but there's no point, she just says that she pities me and my empty life and that a child is the biggest accomplishment you can have in your life. I've recently stopped answering her texts and calls because it's too much too handle. I don't have many friends, so I should try and keep her around, but, really, it's become impossible.DO you think I'm being to hard on her by going no contact and cutting her out of my life? Should i try and be more understanding not to end up friendless?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): Having children is not an accomplishment. It's how nature intended, we have them, and then we take care of them. It's a actually a very wrong attitude to think of kids as an accomplishment. Kids grow up and leave, what is she going to do then?
Many people nowadays choose not to have children. I have few friends women who are in their 40s and never had kids by choice. I only had one by choice, as for a long time my husband and I had no money at all, and it was impossible financially afford another child. I strongly believe that it's very irresponsible to have children now only because you must. Everyone has their own story, and it's better not to be any parent than a bad parent.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): Mother Teresa didn't have kids. Does your friend think her life is worth more than Mother Teresa's was? Does she think she has accomplished more than Mother Teresa?? Ask her. Point out that caring about your own offspring is easy because it is genetically programmed. It is about ensuring survival of your genes and thus stems from a selfish root. But caring about people who are not related to you, total strangers who have nothing to do with your DNA, now that is remarkable. Sadly your friend would say that Mother Teresa was worthless because she didn't give birth to children. But she was a Mother to millions. It is sad if your friend cannot see it but if you challenge her on this it would be interesting to see her defend her position without looking like a complete fool. It just might make her question herself (though I doubt it) . I have friends who love all kids. That's why they had kids of their own but their love doesn't stop there. They take care of other people's kids too through volunteering or helping informally. Then there are people who dislike kids except their own. So why did they choose to have kids if they never liked kids? Because of self interests. They have a need to see their own DNA walking around or (in the case of men) to have soneone stamped with their name like proof of manhood or to not be seen as abnornal but don't give a crap about anyone else's kids. Isn't that far more selfish than not having kids?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): We must be doppelgangers. I too am childless by choice and my best friend since kindergarten has two kids and she totally changed after having kids and has become totally "kid crazy". She has only one identity now and that is as a Mother with a capital M. And yes she judges me and pities me for my decision not to have kids and all she can talk about is her kids and things related to her kids. She over glorifies her family life, I swear it seems she believes her family is the center of everyone's universe. She has all these blogs about her family, she is a stay at home mom who has maids to do the work so she spends all her time and attention on her kids and blogging about them.I have stopped interacting with her because I just cannot take it anymore. It has been 6 years that she changed into this monster. She shows no sign of letting up and I cant take it anymore. I didn't tell her off or anything. I simply stopped returning her calls or taking really long to respond to her emails and texts since they were all about herself anyway. I just say i am too busy. Over time from not getting my attention and time she has stopped contacting me as much. You need to do the same. Your friend has become narcissistic and self centered. Maybe she always was just that it was only after kids that it really showed. My friend always had a narcissistic streak. She always acted like she and her life was the most interesting or important thing to everyone else. She acted like she believed she was a local celebrity of sorts but having kids is what amplified it a million times. The latest I heard is that one of her kids is "gifted" in school. Whatever. I really don't give a flying ^^^^ at this point. If she was a more pleasant tolerable person then I might actually be interested in and give a ^^^^^ about what's going on in her life. Don't waste your breath trying to get your friend to see that you're not the pitiful pathetic loser she believes you are. You could find the cure for cancer or negotiate peace in the middle east or end world hunger and she would still think you're pathetic because you don't do what she values the most which is having kids. You cannot change people's worldviews because you cant change their priorities and value system. It is sad that your friend has such a limited unrealistic worldview but it is what she believes and people do not like to change their beliefs. I bet she has low self esteem, that's why she clings to her kids and society's glorification of parenthood to feel worthy. I mean seriously only recently has parenthood been so glorified in media and pop culture and totally blown out of proportion in profundity and difficulty. In past generations being a parent was just another ho hum thing you did like having a job. It wasn't seen as the greatest achievement on earth like curing cancer or or being the first to land on the moon, but nowadays you would think it was.You don't need people in your life who are hostile to you and unaccepting and disrespectful to you. Real friends don't do this. She is no longer a friend so by cutting off contact you're not the one ending the friendship. She did that long ago.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (17 August 2013):
 The problem is not with you, but with the disrespectful and obnoxious behaviour of your friend. Your instinct is right and so is your approach. If she is overjoyed with having children then great. But what if, instead of evangelizing about children she was evangelizing about her born again Christianity? It's the same thing!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 Understanding? Yes, you could try and be more understanding. She obviously is jealous of you and feels swamped by her kids taking over her life and she having no sense of self any longer, thus identifying herself solely as a mother. And the greatest threat to her "worth" as a mother is a strong and independent female who doesn't need to be a mother to have value. I guess that strips away the little self of self she has self. Hence the outrageous attacks on you.
Don't be the cushion under her armpits, she treats you this way because you let her. This is what bullies do. They feel low about themselves, so they drag others down so that they themselves can feel better. She's obviously having difficulties coping with her children, and is faking the entire "bliss" thing to make it look better. You're her friend of decades. You know her better. See beyond the attacks and either fight back, or help her out of her mess. But no more letting her walk over you, it is time for tough love. Take control over the situation.
Tell her this for example:
You have told me that my life is worth less than yours because you have children and I don't. My life is not worth less than yours. But neither is my life worth more. We are both of equal value. Your children give you joy, but as your friend I worry that they also drain you. Your attacks on me make me think you are jealous. Not jealous of my childless life, but perhaps jealous of the time I get to myself, the time I get to spend on being just me. You're always working hard to be a good mother, and I worry you're on the path of losing yourself in the role. I believe this is the reason you attack me and say hurtful comments. I know it isn't easy to talk about, but I would love for you to tell me if things are tough. I am your friend, I will not say anything to anyone, it's going to be between the two of us. I'd also like for us to spend time together as girlfriends, and find our way back to the good friendship we used to have.
Help her look for a baby sitter, or suggest going to her place for tea so she can watch over the kids at the same time (and visit often, because small children demand a lot of attention and some visits she will barely be able to finish one sentence).
Try if that wont help. If it doesn't work, at least you gave it a try. It's better than just ignoring her until she stops calling and give up without a fight.
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A
female
reader, Anongrl  +, writes (16 August 2013):
It is a sad situation but I think you're better off letting her go. It is too unfair for you to be brought down constantly.
People like this, even if they were once a good friend, can change and become toxic.
I just think that if you stay friends with her, even if you don't have that many freinds, she will destroy your confidence so much that you won't have the confidence to go on and make more, better friends! Which I think you need to probably start forcusing on.
It's better to have one friend less than to have a draining, negative "friend" who drags you down and makes you feel like crap!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): What kind of accomplishment is having children anyways? I really laughed at that. I suppose that's all she has going for her. I do think your friend is envious of your freedom. Raising offspring really takes a lot of you, in fact, that's basically life for you with kids.
I think it's best if you leave her. This relation is becoming toxic. Remember, the best friend you can ever have is yourself.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (16 August 2013):
Time to cut ties. Life is too short to be associated with negative emotions. Be the bigger person and wish nothing but good things for her. Hopefully enough good stuff will happen that she becomes a positive person that you can be friends with again.
As for "[ending] up friendless", that is another issue. Fear of loneliness is a cancer that will destroy your life. If you are someone that people want to be near then you will never be lonely, but it takes effort to become that person.
Finally, if you do fear loneliness, people can take advantage of that fear. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 I would not keep her around.. you have tried to tell her how you feel and how her behavior negatively affects you and she's ignoring that.
it might be that she's actually a bit envious of your freedom not having kids...
sadly there are times we have to accept that we have outgrown a friendship and this is one of those times.
I don't think you are being hard on her if you have told her that her comments are hurtful and she continues with them.
as for being 'friendless' are there activities you like that you can make new friends at events?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Give her one more opportunity:
Let her know that if she can't accept you and your life as it is, without comparing and being all judgemental, that sadly you will have to end this friendship which has become toxic from her side.
It will be sad to see it go, but with her judging you all the time and making mean comments, it will be for the better in the long run.
Give her an ultimatum - accept you and your life and continue the friendship regardless of kids or not, or cut contact and find new accommodating, understanding, sympathetic loving friends.
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