A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello! My husband and I have been in an LDR for one year: it was hard, but we are finally back together! He's found this great new job and we're finally back together. This job will require him to travel for work. His first trip will be in a couple of weeks for 4 days and I'm already freaking out! I am re-living the pain of being apart all over again! Also: in October he's going to have to travel again for a few months (but he'll always come home at weekends). And once he's back he's still going to travel every now and then. I know I sound selfish and stupid but I'm in a really hard place right now (job and family issues) and I really need him by my side and I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose my mind without him. I don't have any real friends around me and to make things worse, I'm on holiday right now so I have too much time on my hands and that leads me to overthinking which is never a good thing... Anyhow, the question is: has any of you ladies had a travelling husband? How did you cope? I'm so used to having him next to me right now that the idea of having to deal with him being away really knocks me down. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): What you described sounds more like you have an anxiety disorder. I think most people in your shoes would feel pissed and grow detached from their spouse, rather than go into a panic or have an anxiety attack.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): Its normal to miss your spouse and be uncomfortable with long absences but what you experience sounds severe. You describe feeling freaked out and like you will lose your mind. That is unhealthy and sounds more like you have a fear of being alone literally? You need to stay busy and you need to learn to rely on yourself more. You could also benefit a lot from making friends. It isn't normal not to have friends.
Why does your husband choose this job, knowing how it makes you feel? Could he not get any other job? Does he actually enjoy being away from you? (I only ask because I have friends who are unhappy with their wives and try to travel for work as often as possible to get away from their wives.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): You need to make friends of your own so you're not so needy and dependent on your husband. Lots of people travel for work both men and women. I have a friend whose husband works in a different state and comes home every 3 months for a week. I have friends who travel every other week for work and are married.Look you really so need to get other people and relationships in your life besides just your husband. Why do you "need" him by your side literally? How did you survive before you met him? Another reason you need to learn to be more independent is because the relationship is really unbalanced. He obviously doesn't need you as much as you need him. He is ok with being away from you so often, it doesn't send him into a panic. You need to match his level of independence or you'll put too much pressure on him to compromise his job for you or by making his time at home feel desperate. Your dependency eventually will suffocate him and make him need space from you which will then freak you out even more. Everyone needs emotional support. You do too. I am just saying you should widen your social circle by making friends so there are more people to give you the support you need. You shouldn't be depending on your husband (or any one person) for all your emotional needs, that's not healthy for you as an individual or the marriage or for him. You have problems at work and with family? Go to one friend for support today, another one tomorrow. Don't depend entirely on your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): If you're panicking that he'll be away for 4 days, I fear for your relationship if he stays in this job.Everyone has their own limitations. Some people can do long distance. Others cannot. You've done it before so there's hope. But I do think you need to talk to him about this. He's married to you not to his job and if it really makes you unhappy, he should be looking for something that involves less travelling. What's the point of being married and not being able to share your lives together anyway?I've done long distance for 2 years, still going strong...What works for us is; - skyping as often as possible. Averages to 4 / 5 times a week. You can do things like cook the same meal together and eat together over skype. You can watch a tv show together another night.- texting a lot. We feel it's important to keep that connection to each other's separate lives so if something funny happens to him during the day for example, he'll text me quickly and we'll 'share' that moment even though we're not physically together. - talking about all our friends and colleagues to each other, again so that we feel 'involved' - having firm plans of when we're seeing each other next- keeping busy with work, family and friends - stops you missing the other person as much.- be completely honest about how you feel. If it gets too much be spontaneous, buy a ticket and go and see him for a couple of days.- it may be worth getting a pet or nieces / nephews staying over sometimes because they are great company. It's less lonely. Or you could even discuss having children.- don't let the pre-parting blues spoil your time together. It's hard to ignore that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach but try to make the most of your time together and don't stress that he'll be going again soon.- read the same book simultaneously so that you have another thing connecting youIn your case, you'll be seeing each other every weekend so it's not that bad. If anything, you win because when he's at home, he's all yours and can't go to work for a few hours over the weekend.But seriously, if it gets you down this much, start discussing long term plans about how much he can compromise on the travelling.Good luck, and don't stop making the most of now!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 I think you need him to change jobs. You have one life and it's ticking away. You can't bank the lost time between you. It's ridiculous.
Perhaps he may have to take a salary cut but if it means you have the life together that you want then you'll find a way. You have to talk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Okay you have got to put on your Big girl panties here. As long as he's not traveling with a female co-worker and it is part of his job don't panic. But you need to work on having a hobby (which is healthy anyhow to help with stress). Even though you lived apart, now that he's back you have become a bit of a clinging vine. Men don't really like that. Sure it's nice to be misssed but your level of panic may not seem appealing. Hint, he may have taken a job that affords him the luxury of traveling because he needs that space away. You didn't mention anything about the whole adjustment phase you went through after he came back. So here's what you do. 1) Take up guitar, art, piano, kick-boxing -- some kind of hobby that gets you out of the house, helps you form friendships with other women. 2) Plan outings for yourself when your job is stressing you out. Meet a girlfriend for a drink; talk about your troubles - one sure way to forget about your problems is to listen to someone else's. 3) Don't become obsessive about calling and texting your man when he's away. You don't want to act that needy. A sure way to get him to travel even more often. 4) Give yourself time to adjust. Sure you're not looking forward to him being gone again but maturity is very sexy. That way when he comes home, you seem like you have everything together, slip on something nice, cook dinner, and chill out together. Good luck.
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