A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a 14 month old son and got married 4 months ago. We had only been togehter 4 months when we decided to start a family, in those heady exciting days. Since I got pregnant, my husband's sex drive has reduced to almost nothing. At first I thought it was because I was pregnant but since he was born, I can count on one hand how many times we've had sex. Even on our wedding day (it was just the 2 of us otherwise it would never have happened) he went off to sleep. When I asked him 2 days later why we hadn't had sex he said he had the rest of his life to have sex with me. I feel angry all the time. We've only had sex twice since getting married and it's all about him getting quick satisfaction whilst I'm left feeling unloved. We sleep separately and he might as well be my brother in my view. What is going on here? He says he loves me but it doesn't feel like it or shows it for me. I feel I am going mad and deserve alot better treatment but am stuck with our son who deserves a good family life. He won;t see a doctor or admit there is a problem, just says he's tired and work gets him down. He can manage to see his friends, go away for weekends etc but not find time 10 minutes a week to have sex. He is making me feel unattractive and unloved. I am 10 years younger than him too, I feel so angry at him that it makes it hard for me to be nice to him consistently. I am fed up of sleeping alone like a single woman yet having to do all the chores and care for a family. I just feel so depressed that nothing ever changes and he has said that rejection is horrible when I have explained how I feel yet he continues to do it - why? Has anyone else come across any of these problems and have you managed to overcome them or realised you have made a mistake and walked away? I don't know which way to turn and want it to work as I am committed to marriage but the internal suffering I feel never gets any better. I am normally a very positive self-assured woman but right now, I feel really low. I'd love any help or reasons for why this is happening. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank the response of 20th March and say how sorry I am to hear that you are feeling very similar feelings to myself. I am now pregnant again by some miracle, we only had sex a couple of times and he thinks he is a super-stud! He was very keen for a second child so there was an incentive for him to make the effort, albeit it very quickly.......... Since, the old feelings have crept back in and the resentment firing up which I feel I just can't control anymore. I had an outburst a couple of weeks ago which resulted in a quickie but the day after, me feeling much better and loved up, he was so bad tempered, shouting and angry that he was tired that those good feelings towards him quickly disappear - I am not a shouting bag to use when he feels tired. So I feel I am back in the vicious circle of having to ask for attention. I don't know what the answer is and I feel sad when I read your last sentence because you need to make sure you are happy and feel secure and loved. Despite trying to push the feelings that being close and intimate to my husband should not be the "be all and end all" I just cannot manage it, I cannot manage a life of not being loved by my husband. Life is short and every person's life is so precious, I think you have to value that. But of course, we are also very aware of the children being involved and the effect it has on them. I watched my Mum suffer my Dad and lack of affection for 40 years and she just tollerated it. She died last year, very suddenly and without warning. I question all those years of not putting her own needs to the forefront and all the hurt she must have felt yet just suppressed it. I personally don't think it is worth making yourself, and everyone else, miserable - what worth are you putting on yourself as an individual?
I hope that maybe some of what I've said will make you think about yourself and what you need to survive and feel worthy as a person in your own right and that you will make the right decision - I would like to keep in touch with you to know how you get on please?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Almost the exact situation happened to me-the quick fix, the wedding night-I'm even 8 years younger and had a son! I disagree with the other comments written in response. My husband, as I'm sure yours is too, is not a closest sex freak. We also had a great sex life until I became pregnant. When I would bring it up he said it was strange with a baby inside of me but that he would change once our son was born. He got worse. Now he'd rather drink and fall asleep on the couch. He says he is too tired but so I am and I still need that emotional connection. I can't believe how upset the situation makes me on a daily basis. I've read several books where men have trouble seeing their wives as sexy once they are mothers. One friend of mine said it was called the "madonna complex". I don't know what to do either. I don't want to nag about it because I feel that pushes him in the wrong direction, but I can't ignore my feelings either. If my husband would talk about it with out getting so angry it wouldn't be as bad as it is. I hope things have worked out for you since your posting. I'm going to do my best to put my anger aside and save our marriage. I don't know how yet, but I believe thinking about how to save our marriage instead of thinking about how hurt and angry I am and how I wish I married someone else will help everyone out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): He could be a closet sex addict. Check out www.no-porn.com
Or maybe he developed a sexual dysfunction... Or he lost the emotional connection with you. Also, men always want what they cannot have...
My advice, want him/ sex less, focus on yourself, your life, your friends. Make him jealous once in a blue moon by wearing something sexy and going out w/o him and staying late. Be loving and patient with him. Nobody wants to make love to a whining angry wife. I do understand you are angry and resentful (but he does not see your side of the story.) If you want him back wanting you, be smart!!! If you don't care where this is going, then you can act out your hurt and resentment. Be smart, give it a second chance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): I really felt your pain when I read about your situation. First of all, I need to say that you should in no way blame yourself. You are the same woman that your husband was attracted to before your pregnancy and your marriage. You mentioned that you were only together 4 months before you decided to have a family. Most relationships are full of passion, and overwhelming love in the first half year so its really should not be used as a measuring stick for the rest of your relationship. After that initial year, relationships fall back into reality and there alot of other things that will come before the 'passion' such as adjusting to daily life together and in your case a new addition to the family.
You have done the right thing by talking to him. His not responding does not mean that you should give up or turn the blame on yourself. What you need to do first is:
1) Take care of yourself. Love yourself and put yourself first and foremost.
2) Talk to your husband again and possibly suggest counseling.
3) Accept that the kind of love that he can offer you may not be what you expected.
I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Hi Hunny,
I can relate to that as well and its perfectly normal, After all you dont want this to be happening and now that he has come to you, you feel like hold on a minute what am I. Its a vicious circle that can I feel only be talked through so you know how each other are feeling.
In the back of your mind you dont want to be used you want love and thats what you should have, Even though you desire and want sex its the loving part of the relationship that brings it all together. Like a jigsaw hunny you have to do the outer edges first before you complete the middle.
So to get to the bottom of why this is happening you need to be reassured wanted and loved before you feel deep within you are comfortable and not hurt angry frustrated and used..some counselling would help if only he will go, I understand I hope for you to find happiness soon love and peace of mind with much love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (22 November 2007):
 Yes I can relate, on the rare times we do have sex its out of the blue, and he just expcts me to want itbecause h suddenly feels like it. Men are very strange creatures lol.
I remebered someting as I was reading your reply, my husband sometimes gives me the impression he doesnt like to get intimate if the childrena re around, at night when they are asleap in the next room and so on. Have you considered getting your mum to take your son for a night or two? See if it makes any difference?
As to the 'he wanted it for a change and I didnt' thing, I would think/guess this is a rebelious streak in you, we all do it, if something is denied us for a long time, then suddenly your expected to be grateful yo finally have it, we do go all rebelious, why should I be grateful when ou havent been after all the effort I made for you before?
The trouble is, if he was trying to make you happy by nitiating something, he wont do it again any time soon because of your response lol.
Really te only thing I can suggest is talking and councilling together, I know its hard butbe persistant (not naggy though, I tend to nag without realising and he just tunes me out) Maybe wait till you know he has time off, an afternnon or something, book an appintment with the councillor, ask him to give you a lift, when you get there, act all scared, ask if he will walk you in, then get all nervous and ask if he will just st in with you for a bit. I know this is trickng him into it, but he wont know it :D
I dont really know what else to suggest, these are things I am activly trying myself, though Im following this question too as Im eagerly hoping someone will come up with a miricle cure... Slip a blue pill in his coffee maybe lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for writing back and sharing your own experiences. I feel more depressed having read your reply, purely because I can see there is no quick fix. Strangely enough, my husband seemed to be trying to go for sex with me last night but I just felt numb and completely turned off, which is not like me at all. I just feel after all the asking, talking and begging (or that is how it feels) that I don't want to bother any more. I don't want any more favours and I guess I want him to feel just as rejected as me. Not good I know and not adult behaviour, but I'm past caring. I can't just switch to being all lovey after months of nothing. Do you relate to this in anyway?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Hi Love.
My second husband was like this he would masturbate and he wouldnt come near me, This is all after we got married so then you feel stuck the only time I remember sex with him was when he wanted a child and stupidly I thought his argument that he hadnt had a child and I had and thats why he didnt want sex was a good enough reason for ignoring me, I thought it was something he maybe found hard to talk about even though I tryed..
But no I thought everything was going to be fine after we talked about it and it seemed to all be ok after that untill I got pregnant, Then he wasnt interested again. I no what you mean feeling unloved and lonely and down only to well.
My situation was horrible as not only did he not come near me in that way he made it obvious that he wanted other women it was like torture, And I guess this is how you are feeling, If your husband can go out with his friends plus the sleeping alone why does he want this to happen.
Hunny he really needs to see a counsellor but if he is anything like my ex he will argue that one, But you really do need to talk to someone and think about how you see things in a few years as the longer this goes on the worse it gets for you in your mind. And even though other men may find you attractive it doesnt help as your married and stuck in a loveless situation so nothing can make you feel better, It gives me nightmares still to this day what that man did to me and its taken along time to get myself back to the happy bubbly person I used to be, This is just one of the things he did and on a scale of 1-10 is a 9... A punch is over and done with quicker, The emotional abuse was the worse as it goes on and on day after day.. Hunny dont let this continue you have a right to be happy to and living this way day in day out is soul destroying, Go talk to a counsellor and I hope you sort this out for you and are happy again very soon TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (21 November 2007):
I just want to say your not alone, My huby just never seems in the mood anymore, ever! Ive never truely enjoyed sex and my ex wanted it 24/7 which I hated, but I wouldnt mind my husband showing me how sexy he finds me sometimes!! men are just wierd, and I do know how you feel. I wish I had an answer for you, But ony your husband can tell you. However if he is like mine, he wont. You have to decide if the rest of your marrage is good without the sex or not, If not then there is your answer. Im sorry, I would suggest couple or marrage coucilling, but Im not sure your husband would agree to go, I cant seem to make mine either.
One thing that did crop up a while back though, when the abstenence on his part begun, I managed to get him to see the doc once, she said he had depression and put him on antedepressants, things did get better for a while, until the tabs ran out and he always has some excuse no to return.
We have made love once since my youngest was born 6 months ago, and twice before that after my second youngest was born, before that we were a perfectly healthy couple. Maybe its the whole 'watching wife give brth' that puts them off....
Good luck hun, and let me know what yu decide to do or try xxxx
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