A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for the last 4 years and have been living with each other for the last 3 and a half years.I am worried that he has cheated on me several times but don't have any evidence - just gut feeling.The 1st year we lived together (our last year of uni) he started spending a lot of time in the library with a girl, she would call and txt him all the time, when I asked him about it he said they were just friends (working together on projects and stuff for uni) and basically I was just being paranoid. He became very secretive with his phone (wouldn't leave it anywhere near me - to the point he would take it in the shower with him!), she would call him in the middle of the night and he would leave the room to talk to her. I had it out with him several times and he kept promising to stop spending so much time with her, although he did continued to spend time with her. We finished uni a few months later and he never saw her again. I thought it was all over.About a year after this I found some message between them - nothing too bad - but she did say she had split up with her boyfriend and that she missed being at Uni (I took this as missing him). I confronted him and he said they had kept in contact, but they were just friends.A while later we moved to another town. A few times he went back to visit his Uni friends who still lived there and I think he may have met up with this girl then. He refused to let me go with him (even though he was meeting mutual friends) as it was a 'boys night' out. Thats all fine but I found out that other girlfriends had gone out with them that night. I can't prove that he met up with her but I think he did.Everything else has been fine in our relationship up until last september when he started a new job. He started hiding his phone from me like he had done before when he had been txting the girl. He started staying out after work - going out for drinks with his new friends from work. I started to get 'paranoid' again but he said he said he didnt fancy any of the girls he worked with. So I dropped the subject.Last month I found some messages he had sent a girl who he worked with saying he had a 'dirty' dream about her. I would never say that to one of my work colleagues even if it was true and was really angry with him. I split up with him over it but after he begged me to come back - I changed my mind and got back with him (he promised it was nothing more than a few txt messages and I belived him). I went to stay with my parents for a few days last week and he told me some friends from work had stayed at the house. I asked him if it was the girl that he had the dream about stayed but he said it was just boys. However, when I was cleaning the house I found a false eyelash. I confronted him and he said that it must have dropped of one of the boys clothings when they got back (as one of their girlfriends had lost one). Do you think he cheats on me?
View related questions:
cheated on me, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): All signs point to yes. He's being dishonest with you constantly. As much as I'm sure you love him, you need to drop this guy straight away.. cut all ties. I am going through the same thing.. and I can tell you it's hard. You want to believe their lies so much.. even though you know it's lies, you try and will yourself to believe it because part of you doesn't want to acknowledge the truth. You're not alone in what you're going through. I am still in conversations with my ex and it's doing me no good.. I have not moved on.. you need to cut ties altogether and look after yourself now :) Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Thanks everyone for your replies. I think that I've known deep down for a while now that he's not been faithful but have been to scared to face reality and leave him. Its really reasuring that most of you think I should leave him. Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (2 April 2010):
 I think that you can't know the extent of his involvement with other women (whether just texts or actual physical sex), but you can and do know that he has conversations on a sexual level, and therefore that he is interacting on that level with other women.
Saying you have had a dirty dream about someone is a direct come-on. I think this alone is proof enough that he is not monogamous - he is not keeping himself just for you.
I think it's intolerable for you, and I think this false eyelash business - well. Clearly there was at least one woman in the house, and that one dressed to kill in false eyelashes.
If you have the strength, I agree with others that you should cut the discussions, cut the ties and move graciously on. You cannot trust him. He cannot change. But you can choose whether or not to live with this. Some women turn a blind eye, others can't bear it. Up to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 I would be very worried if my husband was telling his co workers about dirty dreams he was having about them. Whilst LonelyTwo has a good point about carefully examining your feelings to be sure you are not blowing stuff out of proportion I think some of his suggestions on your gut feelings are a little off. Your boyfriend's behaviour is showing that he is certinally not as committed to the relationship as you are.
...............................
A
male
reader, UncleDoug  +, writes (2 April 2010):
Hi,
Let's see - you have identified all the incriminating evidence (and there is plenty, albeit circumstantial); his responses each time you confronted him were evasive, ambiguous or fabricated; and his actions (hiding phone, not taking you out to general functions, eyelash is from the boys' night out...) can only lead you to one logical conclusion.
Your gut says he cheating. His actions suggest he's cheating. Guess what - HE'S CHEATING! Don't remain a doormat for him. You are not the queen of denial so own up and kick him to the curb. Find someone who will be honest with you and appreciate all you have to offer.
Good luck.
...............................
|
