A
female
age
41-50,
*hotojazz310
writes:I have living with a man for apprx 6 months now. He never seems to want to have sex, maybe once every 2 weeks. He was never any different but I had thought that in the beginning it was because he was a bit shy and insecure. But after so long that initial insecurity should dissipate. Especially since I am very open about sex and non judgmental. When I talk to him about it, he gets mad. He says it makes him feels pressured... but this is a big issue for me and it needs to be solved. I can not be in a relationship with no intimacy. He also is not affectionate, verbally or physically. This lack of interest in me makes me feel very down. He doesn't seem to care about how I feel, he just takes any attempt I make to talk about it as a personal attack on him.I have tried many many methods. Acting uninterested, acting really interested, doing things he has told me in the past that he attracted to...I spend many nights sleeping on the couch. It just hurts too much to lay in bed night after night with no touching, no sex, no closeness... he gets made at me if I do this. But I really CANNOT sleep next to him feeling like I do. It makes me feel worse. The last place in the world I want to be is on the couch but I can't sleep otherwise.I doubt his claims of love and wanting to stay in a relationship. If he cared, would he not want to figure out a solution to this? He claims his sex drive has never been much. He has went to the doctor for it but when the doctor orders blood tests, ultrasounds ect He never goes to those. So it seems like this is something he does not want to change. If he does not have any interest in having a close, intimate relationship and I do, I feel like it will never work. If I stay with him, I am compromising something I feel is integral to a relationship and I'd be doing that while he can't even try and go to a doctor for a solution. I feel it is unfair and I have been so depressed. I used to have pretty good self esteem, but now have lost all confidence in regards to appearance. I could add more but would like to hear some opinions about this issue from a different perspective. Any thoughts?
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confidence, depressed, insecure, self esteem, sex drive, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Well making a commitment to you and asking for marriage but then agreeing to a living arrangement is kind of settling on his part and he may be quite frankly passive agressive. Withholding love and sex is a form of passive agressiveness and it is a violation, yep that's right boyfriend a violation of the relationship.Passive agressive people are the most difficult people to live with, this will spill over in other areas of your relationship, not just sex, like not being able to discuss this matter rationally and like two mature adults....going instead to your emails to find the answers to his questions when you are willing to talk openly is just another form of agression.I don't think this relationship is healthy for you and it simply will not work. He needs therapy, you need a new boyfriend.
A
female
reader, photojazz310 +, writes (20 October 2010):
photojazz310 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think intimacy is vital in a relationship...Yes, I agree. I don't understand how you can have a meaningful, working relationship without it.
I am not blaming anyone. I am expressing concern and my needs. Even on a panel that he has somehow found (snooping through my email)he still manages to not have empathy and understanding, instead takes it as a personal attack. This is the problem.
I need a working solution to this issue so that it is no longer an issue.
To "OhGetReal": Actually he has made a committment to me. Wants to gets married ect. But I think was a little hurt by my rejection of that idea. The only reason I reject the idea of marriage is because of the lack of intimacy. I mean, why would I marry someone who is too nervous to do anything with me. It is life long (or should be) so I am not willing to spend my whole life being without a vital emotional and physical need.
Despite my complaints in this department, I truly do love him. He is caring and usually fair. He is a great dad. He is talented and intelligent. But the problem is without the intimacy I just feel like I have a roomate and at best maybe a friend. To me, that is just not a way to live. Perhaps that would be fine for some people but not for me. Without intimacy, I don't see a point in a relationship. Especially since it is emotionally exhausting to always want something that is not happening.
All I want is a discussion without blame or anger. So I can decide if this can be resolved or if I should move on. As sad as that may make me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): Well, despite the truth in what she's saying.... There's a lot more to it than that but she'll take any measure to be certain that I am the one to blame. I am affectionate in my own way and if somebody can please explain to me why her interpretation of my affection is valid above all else then I'm all ears. I'll come back to see how this plays out.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 October 2010):
I think what you are finding out after living with this guy for 6 months is that you are deeply incompatible. Further, if you moved in with him without the commitment of marriage, living together is only going to drive him away not bring him closer...he hasn't commited to you as in you are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, correct?
I think this relationship is over, I would give him a few weeks to find his own place.
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