A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I think I give off a “don’t be my friend” vibe, though I say hi and am polite?All my life people have avoided me, socially and socially at work and in group or social events, like I have A flashing sign “avoid her”I was bullied and socially awkward as kid/teen, am much better now but still shut down in groups and am quieter.I work, and am ok at my job,and though I am quieter I can be very assertive at times, do not think I cannot speak! I can be very assertive in the right moment..I’m usually one making the effort to talk and start conversationPeople just don’t bother trying with me. I genuinely listen and don’t act needy or desperate.. I try to be nice, but........ no one bothers to listen or get to know me, is this how people are now?I’m average intelligence and am not autistic and don’t have Aspergers, (yes, I was tested years ago)How can I fix thisYes have seen psychologists over the yearsHelpSick of being the odd quiet one who says hi Andis ignored
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female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Do you have any hobbies, do you take an interest in the world? I think if you immerse yourself in something you find interesting, you'll naturally feel you have more to say, and if you're INTERESTED in what you're saying, it will be natural and people will take an interest.
Maybe you actually do have some form of social anxiety- I used to have it, where I actually would have to psych myself up to ask someone for the time.. BUT similarly I could be angry/ aggressive lose my temper at people, so maybe that assertiveness is fueled by that frustration.
Try and see the beauty and the positives in life.. smile more and compliment more, FORGET to be self-conscious. Do more of what you enjoy, but keep trying to improve as a person, take up new activities
You can start by complimenting people and ASKING about them-= people love talking about themselves, and if you take an interest, they're more likely to warm to you, see you as a friend, WANT to get to know you. And that's where you being happy, active and fulfilled comes in- that way people will ENJOY having you as a friend..
Have more belief in yourself.. say what's on your mind. If you say something that isn't funny, people will laugh anyway, they shouldn't be rude- if they are, don't hang out with them. You're an adult you can do what you want and you need to start taking small steps to changing what you have a problem with.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 I think you self-diagnosed your problem.
You shut down in groups and you are quietER. Quieter than what ? Quieter than all the other people ? quieter than the average person ?
Well, then there you have it. You may have excellent reasons for not being great at keeping up a conversation or maybe just making small talk, but- unluckily that's your problem, not theirs, and something that you'll have to work on ( if you wish to, of course ).
Some ( few, actually ) lucky people can pull off the " companionable silence " and still send out serene, warm, welcoming vibes which make people flock to them. But for the majority of us common mortals, shutting down and maintaning a stubborn, non-committal silence is perceived as off-putting and unnerving when not downright hostile. Or maybe just ...boring.
If you have been like this all your life, tbh it won't be easy, I don't think you can re-wire yourself in a matter of days.
Srull, there are a few things which could help :
- Smile. Not a tiny, frigid smile- a real smile. It would have to come from within. When you are pleased to see somebody and you smile, your eyes light up and people respond to that naturally. Also check your body posture ; there are books about body language that can be helpful. Inadvertently, we may adopt stances or gestures which convey " stay off me " even when that's not what we want to express.
- Are you by any chance a nervous, anxious type ? Practice meditation, or some other relaxation technique. Nervousism and anxiety are sort of contagious, they tend to make people feel bad, at some subconscious level, when they are around you.
- You might need to widen your social circle. It can simply be that you have been unlucky and you have found yourself plunged yourself among a bunch of people that's not your kind of people ( and viceversa ) because of age, values, interests etc. Have you got any hobbies and passions that you pursue or are willing to pursue ?. Like, if you are an avid, or potential, birdwatcher ( just to name some hobby at random ) you 'd fare better joining a bird watching club and hanging out with the members. So, at least you can talk about your common interest there, in a non competitive, not intimidating context... and from there, in time, you build the confidence to talk about other stuff .
- You can try working on this specific issue with a life coach. Not a therapist, not a shrink, since you say there aren't any specific mental health problems . You just need to acquire a series of tools and behaviours to feel more comfortable in groups , and or / around people in general, and some life coach and/ or communication expert migh be able to assist you.
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