A
female
age
36-40,
*rincipleOfEvil
writes:I have been married for almost 1 year, actually it will be 1 year on the 31st. We have a 15 month old daughter and have been together for a bit more than two years. Two days ago I woke up and realized by husband wasn’t in bed. He had gotten up early and was sitting at his computer masturbating to some pictures on facebook. I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all I pretended to be asleep and continued to watch him until I felt like I would be ill. I wanted to forget that it had ever even happened but I couldn’t let it go so I checked out his computer and saw that he had been looking at his ex. I was crushed.When he got home from work, I built up the courage and called him out on it. He lied to me, he said that he hadn’t been looking at her. He said that he was looking at a pic from our honeymoon that I had taken for him. After we fought about it for a while I revealed that I had watched him for a long while and didn’t see any picture of me. He changed his story and said that he had been looking at be but mid way through he decided to look at her profile pics but stopped masturbating and once he was finished he began looking at me again. I told him that I could easily see that he was masturbating so he then said that he was able to look at one girl but think about another and that is what he was doing. I cried and pleaded for him to just tell me the truth…In a way I already knew the truth. Finally he told me. He’s still more attracted to that ‘size’ of girl and once and a while he’s going to want something other than me. I am a plus size girl. But I’m not unattractive, I’ve been offered modeling jobs as a plus size model. I hadn’t even realized my weight was an issue. I’ve been big my entire life so it’s not like I suddenly gained a bunch of weight. She’s also my complete opposite. The ex is the blond girl next door type…I am…well I’m pierced and tattooed….I’ve had people confuse me with Mia Tyler a few times just to give you an Idea. If he wants her why did he choose me?He said that he still thought I was beautiful. I couldn’t believe him. He crushed all the self esteem I had. He also said he would have to change how he thinks of women and what he thinks is sexy. He also said that he needed time to let go of his ex’s. I think he should have let them go the day we said ‘I do’. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait…I don’t know if I should wait… We’ve had fights about his ex’s in the past. His first love, he carried a pic of her in his wallet. He didn’t even have a pic of me and his daughter. He also carried a note from another girl with him. That started a huge fight and I pretty much told him that is was either me or the memories of his ex’s. He was mad and tore the pic apart and said he would forget. Along with masturbating to pics of the other ex I also saw that he had been looking for the ‘first love ex’. I don’t know what to do or believe…I don’t want to be second or third in his heart. I feel so broken and unattractive. He says he loves me and he wants to make it up to me…but how do I know that this time he really will let them go. And why can’t he let them go…and I’m so different than anything he’s had in the past…why did he marry me?
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female
reader, PrincipleOfEvil +, writes (20 October 2009):
PrincipleOfEvil is verified as being by the original poster of the question I wanted to thank you all for your advice. My husband and I are trying to work things out. I think because I love him and he loves me and we are both willing to make this work things will be okay. I still feel a little hesitant about my self image and our trust is going to take a while to re-build but I began to realize after I vented my anger and pain and feelings of betrayal that he does find me attractive…and he does love me… and he’s willing to change… and has already told me that he will do whatever it takes to make this right… and damn me if I am wrong but I am going to take the first step in building that trust and I’m going to believe him….
I need to listen…or at least read between the lines more often…
Perfect example, we were out looking for some lingerie before I got pregnant and I noticed he would act really strange…He couldn’t get out of there fast enough…I thought maybe he didn’t like the thought of me in lingerie…I couldn’t figure it out…the second and third time was the same way so by the third time I asked him about it…he said he didn’t know what I was talking about…It wasn’t until after we had our daughter I finally nearly broke down in the store and asked him if he thought I just wasn’t attractive enough to wear those sort of things…he grabbed my hand and pulled me off into my dressing room and placed my hand in such a way on his person to show me just how wrong I was…He was so nervous and shifty and trying not to pay attention to me because he didn’t want to make a scene and wanted to get me home to actually see me in out purchase….
So all in all I need to work on my self esteem issues and he needs to let go of the past and realize doing the things he was doing really hurts. I know we can do this. I know I love him.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 There is an old saying that women marry their Dads and men marry their Mom's. Aside from the creepy factor that statement conjures up, we do tend to lean toward the familiar and men, especially those who are close to their Mothers may subconsciously pick out a mate who has many similar traits. Same goes for us gals who grew up with a Dad we loved and respected. You can bet we'll find a man who treats us like the little queen we are used to being treated like. That being said, there is this whole complexity thing in a man's mind about loving the woman of his children, but "desiring" something entirely different. Your husband may be falling into this trap. He loves you as his wife, and the mother of his child, but does he still see you now as the wild, untamed sexy thing he once (or ever did)?....His ex g/f represents a part of his (young) and somewhat wild past when there were no responsibilities, no diapers, no real committments, just love and whatever their hormones told them to do. Perhaps he longs for those carefree days. Unfortunately, his surfing habits have created alot of pain and damage in your relationship. Now that he has decided to stay, he better think next time before he indulges in his childhood fantasies. It comes with a price.
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A
female
reader, PrincipleOfEvil +, writes (16 October 2009):
PrincipleOfEvil is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn’t clear on a few things. So let me clear them up. Yeah I got preggo before we got married but at the time we found out I was pregnant he was shopping for wedding rings and we were looking for an apartment together. I’ve never looked through his things before. The morning I looked at the history on his comp was the first time and I never went through his wallet. I saw the pic of his ex when he was cleaning it out and asked him who she was because I was curious. It wasn’t until later that I found out who she really was because him mom was showing me a scrapbook and I recognized her. She told me her name and what had happened between them. He was only 14 and she had been worried that their relationship had been going too far so she told him that they had to break up. She also told me that every girl since her had been compared to his first gf. She ended up becoming a lesbian and he was heartbroken. He’s 23 now so that was nearly 10 years ago. I’m not the rebound girl. He lived in England, while there he broke up with his last gf because she cheated and a year later moved to the US. It wasn’t until a year after that that he met me and we started dating. I can’t say for sure that he married me because of our daughter but when we did get married I had worried about that and told him that there was no need if that was the case. He didn’t have to marry me for her sake. I told him I would love and respect him as the father of our child regardless, even if he would rather go our separate ways.
One thing has crossed my mind and I wanted to throw it out there. Do men really look for their mothers in a woman? I am very similar to his mom (very different in other ways.) We’re both plus size, not thin but not obese. We love to cook and bake and are more the nurturing types rather than the partying types. Heck, we even have similar hobbies. The only difference is I compulsively clean because I want him to come home to a clean house while his mom isn’t big on the idea of cleaning. I think I also like to be a little more assertive in a relationship than she does.
After all this I did give him the option to leave. He could still see his daughter. I would be heartbroken yes, but I don't want keep him in a relationship that he isn't happy with. He actually packed his things and even got them all into the car. Right before he left he got out of the car and came back to me. I of course of sobbing like a maniac (my daughter was with her grandma). He said he didn't want to leave but he was tired of the fighting and hurting me and worried that I might never forgive him. I told him that I would have always loved him and will always love him even if we seperate and even when he hurts me but it would take a while to fully forgive him and fully trust him again.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (16 October 2009):
When I read your post it wasn't clear how the two of you met, and how you came to be a couple. One thing comes to mind -- were you the rebound girl in his life, that ended up getting pregnant, so he married you because he thought it was the right thing to do? If tha tis not the case, then I see no reason why he's still cruising in his ex but it's cheating in my opinion and I think women should stop making excuses for a man's so called "need" to be turned on by other women. I think you're going to have to keep your eye on him for a very long time because trust is something that doesn't come back easily and he has crossed the line in my books.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): I'm so sorry to read about your pain. I think he should get some counselling to try to work out why he can't accept being married with a baby. Perhaps he likes to remember the time when he was single. I don't think it's about these ex's in particular I think it's all about him, his perception of his life now. The hurt you feel is justified, don't go on for too long without trying to deal with this, the pain won't go away. The thing I really believe is that this is not about you...It truly is a weakness in him.
You are still the wonderful woman he fell in love with. Don't let this be your burden, it's all about him, but it has to be resolved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): Hello. He married you because he loves you. Im sorry its upset you, that you found out your husband still thinks about his ex`s and you saw him doing THAT to a picture of one! Im just surprised you didnt tap him on the shoulder midway thru his activity. All men think about their ex`s just as we women think about ours. So dont be too alarmed about that. If our ex`s were that fantastic we would still be with them but we arent, so i really dont think you need to feel too threatened.
He may be one of those romantic types that likes to keep momentos from the past. Its pretty harmless to keep old pictures and such. Im happy with my bf but still have a few pictures and notes ect from old bf`s. My bf still has pictures of his ex wife. They are all consigned to the attic tho and rarely see daylight. Just pop a picture of yourself and your little one in his wallet. Some men just dont think to do that themselves!
Looking up old flames online must be something many have done since the invention of the pc! I know i have looked up some but just thru curiosity, nothing else.
Men look at OR think about something sexy while doing.... their laundry by hand....shall we say. Its quite normal and they will often think about a past experience that they found exciting while doing so. Im not saying its a nice thought for us girls but its a fact and quite normal. Finding him doing it at your pc to a picture of his ex must have been upsetting for you and highly embarrassing for him! That was a little sad of him but not so unusual. I have a feeling hes not the first husband to do that sort of thing.
You say you look nothing like this ex of his and he has ruined your self esteem. Well dont be daft. We come in all shapes and sizes and im sure if he hadnt liked the way you look, he would never have married you! Men find things attractive in women of all shapes and sizes. And all at the same time! If he only found slim and next doorish women attractive how come he married you and had a baby with you? He did that because he also finds you attractive and he loves you. So dont beat yourself up because you arent a slim blonde like she is. Trust me if she was that hot and he had loved her he would have done whatever it took to stay with her. Im saying all this becasue you were happy with him and have a child together and thats what really counts....not what he occasionally does his laundry to.
Delete her from his pc and make him promise never to do that again. And then address the issue of him lying to you. Thats what you should be focusing on. All the best
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 October 2009):
 I dont really know what to say to you I'm afraid, and that is unusual for me! You are completely right to be upset by all this and his behaviour is just not on!
I am just churning out possible ideas here so dont take any of them too seriously - Maybe he could have married you mostly because of your child, rather than through an actual desire to be with you? He might have felt getting married was the "proper" thing to do, when really he is not over his ex's or he doesnt see you as his "ideal wife" type of woman.
Regardless of any of those reasons his behaviour is out of order - you are his wife and the mother of his baby, he made vows to you therefore he has to respect that and respect you.
All I can suggest really is marriage counselling? It might help get to the bottom of why he cant let these women go. I think he could have a bit of a problem with moving on and letting go of the past, so a therapist would be able to help him deal with these issues.
He really should never have married you if he hadnt already "let go of his ex's", only he will know why he married you and why he still cant let go of the past. And I have a feeling he wont ever tell you the answers to your questions - hence why therapy may be the only way to get the answers out of him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): Is there anything else bothering you in the relationship? Apart from this?
Here is an answer if you are okay with everything else - stop looking through his things, his computer history and his wallet. Stop snooping. It is true that snoopers never find anything they like.
I agree with you that these things are disturbing. I agree totally that you should not be second or third or first amongst many or anything. And I am sure he knows he is wrong and this hassles you. You are right to feel small.
Having said that, your fighting with him about all this and making yourself miserable is not going to make him stop. If anything it'll become more attractive. It does not seem to be about one ex, its like he keeps bits of his life away from you with him. So let him.
How does it matter whether there are pics in his wallet of whoever as long as he treats your daughter and you with love and affection.
Everyone is human. And everyone's human parts are moronic.
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