A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated for 3 weeks (married 2 years). For the last 6 months of our marriage it's been terrible. During that time we went through marital counseling and honestly it was not effective. My husband wants me to return home but I just can't. I'm fearful I'll return to the same thing and I don't want that for myself or him. He gets really frustrated and angry with me and ends up saying mean hurtful things and has even grabbed me and yelled directly in my face. He feels I nag when I'm really only trying to get him to consider me and the fact that I lived in the home too. I really felt like I had to do everything for his/our home. He wanted to say his spill and then not allow me to say anything back and it just continued to be a problem. Anyway, he wants a time frame on when I'll return otherwise he just wants to end it. He refuses to get any individual counseling for his anger. In the meanwhile I've been seeing a psychologist to try to help myself. Honestly, I don't know what I want. Sometimes I just want it back the way it use to be when things were good and other times I just want to go on with my life. A friend suggested that we try marital counseling again because she doesn't see us healing during this separation without it. I'd like to get some other thoughts on this. Should we try marital counseling again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): Helpful words of advice...thanks!
A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (21 June 2010):
 I can see the tension here but I also detect hope, which is rare IMO. I feel like there is a litmus test here that will let you know if your marriage is worth saving. You need to ask him if he feels that you (as a couple) have problems and that both of you are sources of them. He may honestly believe that the problems you are having are yours and when you fix them then things will be back to normal. If he lacks the ability to do even the most minimal amount of introspection to see that he could/may be/is a cause of some of these issues I don't know how you would patch this up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 He needs to address his issues. And he is not in a position to make demands. A marriage is between two people, not for one to control and take charge over the other. So, if he is unwilling to better himself and take part of the responsibility, nothing can change. I believe that it takes two to tango, and that both parts can usually improve themselves. But that will be no good if he won't acknowledge that he has a problem.
I do not know how well therapy works for dealing with anger, but I imagine it will be able to determine if he is able to change at all or not. As for counseling, how did it work for you in the past? Are there any things that can improve in that situation? Doing the same thing over and over will not help, if it didn't work the first time, and things aren't different this time, why should the outcome be different?
I suggest you think about other options as well, and communication with your husband needs to improve. You are not on the same wavelength and do not understand each other.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 June 2010):
If he's not willing to get his own counselling for his own problems, then this just won't work out. Your friend is right. You two both do need counselling together as well. But it has to be said that your husband sounds like a very cold man. He shouts at you, he grabs you. And finally when he says he's thinking about getting back together, he refuses to get counselling and orders you to set a time limit. This marriage is just so dysfunctional. I think you need to sit down alone and really think about how happy your life is now without him. I don't think he's going to change, so maybe you would be better off alone.
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