A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm romantically interested in a guy who isn't over his ex, who left him in extremely abrupt circumstances approx. 4 months ago. We get along brilliantly and he's the first person I've ever truly 'clicked' with in terms of personality. The problem is, when I first met him I didn't fully understand the context of his last relationship and pursued him a bit too fast, whereas he probably thought hooking up with me might help to cure his broken heart. We made out on our first date and things were so intense between us I would've slept with him on our second, but I stopped short of that because we didn't have protection and I had to get home early for work. We didn't contact each other for about a month after that because he was in a different part of the country.Then a few weeks back, I text him to let him know I'm in the neighbourhood and we arrange to catch up. This time we have a long talk and I let him know that while I still like him a lot and definitely want a relationship with him, I also refuse to be the stand-in for his ex. He understands and goes on to let me know that he's sorry he led me on that month earlier, but with time he's realised that at the moment he is incapable of entertaining any sort of romantic relationship with me - but wants to continue being friends. He tells me it has nothing to do with me as a person, that he does like me a lot, but that he's just not over his ex and part of him still believes she'll come back. Lastly, he says that as soon as he knows he's completely over her he'll let me know, but he has no idea when that will be.The problem is, I like him enough just as a friend to want him to be happy and for his heart to be healed, but I'm not sure if I can 'just be friends' with him now without it causing ME pain. Every time we hang out now, I get these moments of such intense sadness that I can't even hold his hand or kiss him anymore, especially when we're around other couples. It feels like if I continue to be around him it will make me depressed because he doesn't love me the way he loved/still loves her. I'm also afraid he'll just cling on to this idea of her coming back to him and there will never be any room in his heart for me. The worst part is that I still enjoy his company and it would hurt me a lot to cut him out of my life completely.Should we stay 'just good friends' at the expense of my heart, or should I cut and run, even if it hurts both of us? :(
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 Daisy_Daisy said it all. Be kind - why hating anybody ? - and decline the invitation. First you don't really want to go there, second it will be a good hint for the guy to understand the bound between you both is loosing. Besides, it will make the cut easier as it won't seem to come out of the blue, which is always hard to swallow.And for the time being, try to find a club or two where you will be able to make new mates the very day you will enter them. Clubs work like that, and it's even one of their main raison d'etre (I do adore when english use french expressions, it makes my mother tongue looks more exotic !).Sometimes reading this sort of question, I regret I were not able to befriend those who tell us they don't have many friends, because I've been living in Japan for a quite long time and I've lost almost every friends I had in France where I came back recently. But that's the point: you live in Australia and me in France, so good luck to you to find brand new friends, while I'm trying to make myself some new connections too.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 If he invites you, you could politely let him down and tell him that you don't think a friendship is possible and you think it's better to cut contact. Be civil but firm.
The fact that you have hardly any friends makes you even more vulnerable in this situation, so I think it's important that you step away now.
Focus on making new friends, male and female. Join clubs or look up meetup.com groups in your area. Stay busy and happy.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, I've come to realise I need to cut myself off from him as much as possible now, but it's going to be very tough because he's one of the only friends I've got in this city. (I moved here about two months ago for study)
Also, it's his birthday this weekend and I'm probably going to be invited to some party (other ppl will be there). If he invites me, should I turn it down? And if I do turn it down, should I tell him why I can't hang out with him anymore or just go cold turkey, zero contact/zero explanation?
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (11 February 2014):
Excuse the type, please.
To be read, of course: I would NOT stay friend...
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (11 February 2014):
I would stay friend with this guy because I find being sort of a rebound is unworthy. Maybe he is sincere when saying all that things, maybe he was looking for an easy stop-gap, or maybe was he just looking for somebody to have fun with, waiting for his former girlfriend to come-back, assuming this broken-heart story is true...Anyway, life is too short, and you can't accept to wait (until when ?) and staying at hand, as this is just time losing, the most (I mean most) important thing on earth, as it's one of the things you cannot buy even if you are a billionaire like Steve Jobs.Don't lose you time, and be happy.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 This is tough. I've been on both sides of the fence. I've been where you are and where he is. When I was in your shoes, I wasted a lot of time waiting for him to make up his mind about whether he wanted to be with me or not. I ended up getting hurt in the end. When I was in his shoes, I was so hung up on an ex, that I just could not feel emotionally connected to any other guy, and if my ex came back to me, everyone else became history. I ended up hurting the other person.
You know you want more from him than he's willing to give you, and if you think that by sticking around and showing your love and dedication, that one day he's going to suddenly wake up and realize that you are the one he loves...that's all fantasy and what romantic movies are made of.
The reality is that he does not love you the way you want him to love you.
Love yourself girl, and find a guy who isn't hung up on someone else, a guy who wants a relationship with you, not just a friends with benefits situation. It just means that you are an "in the meantime" girl, while he waits for his ex to come back to him. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (10 February 2014):
Hanging out and being just good friends doesn't include kissing and holding hands. It sounds like this could evolve in to a friends with benefits situation, which would be a disaster since you already talk of feeling sad and depressed.
I know that walking away from someone who you like is hard, but balance that against the sadness you already feel, and think how that sadness will get worse the more time you spend with him, the more you grow to like him.
If you continue hanging out with this guy, I think that you will not only get hurt but you will be wasting time and opportunities to meet other men who ARE emotionally available - this guy is not.
I really think you should cut and run, sorry.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Greetings,Situations like this are always a case of longing, do you fight this longing of wanting to be near the person you've clicked with in the hope of future contact (however distant) or realistic but more painful to let go of this chance.All choices are down to you but I always say never hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel if you are looking in the wrong direction.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): "Settling for make-believe friendship to substitute for what you really want."
Exactly OP.
Your choice is between ripping off the band aid, or slowly but surely taking it of piece by piece each little hair producing its own sharp pain.
Both choices will hurt you and him, so choose the short sharp pain that goes away quickly or the long drawn out dull ache, wasting a lot of time until you fall apart.
It's your life and your choice, but trying to be friends is like a diabetic working in a chocolate factory. Not a great idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): You are bargaining with your heart. Settling for make-believe friendship to substitute for what you really want. This contradicts all that you've said about realizing it's too soon; and you knew he needed time to get over his ex.
You offered sex too soon; so the guilt that it might be meaningless is lingering in the back of your mind. You got ahead of yourself by letting your feelings sink-in; knowing your heart is at risk, if he is a guy on the rebound. You knew everything going in. You just wanted to have the man.
You should discontinue contact and allow yourself to detach.
Never to return. You know friendship isn't really what you want, and don't put your life on hold waiting. Don't punish yourself like that. So you got along. That's not enough for all this drama.
He is only being polite. Sex was all he wanted from the start. It might be a little hard for you to accept; but that is more likely the case. You wouldn't have written your post if that hadn't crossed your mind.
Yes, cut and run. It will hurt you more than it hurts him.
He isn't over his ex yet. You were on the rebound; so it will take less time for him to get over you. In fact; you shouldn't be so deeply infatuated in so short a period of time. That's a little on the needy side. You shouldn't do that to yourself.
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